DI Natalie Chandler quotes from Law & Order: UK

DS Matt Devlin

The old needle/haystack interface.

DS Ronnie Brooks

Look on the bright side, son, you might end up with a yummy mummy!

DI Natalie Chandler

He's already working for one!

DS Ronnie Brooks

So is this still an HQ for Toms?

Yeah. Might explain why his John Thomas is hanging out. Blowus interruptus, if you ask me.

DI Natalie Chandler

So why's he got his ninky nonk out when they find him?

DS Matt Devlin

[stifling a laugh] You don't really call it a 'ninky nonk'?

DI Natalie Chandler

Should hear what I call you.

DS Matt Devlin

What, you took a lipstick trace off his...

Wangdoodle. Oh, yeah.

DS Ronnie Brooks

Maybe if we get it forensicated?

[As Ronnie grins] Forensicated isn’t a word!!

DS Matt Devlin

Dad was born 1939, Upton Park, East 50

DS Ronnie Brooks

Ah, so his dad got him into the Hammers

DI Natalie Chandler

Sorry?

DS Matt Devlin

West Ham. Commonly known as the Hammers 'cos they keep getting hammered...

DS Ronnie Brooks

Watch it, Sunshine!

DS Matt Devlin

I thought... I thought you'd understand as a woman. I thought...

DI Natalie Chandler

As a woman, I'd like to cut off his dick with a rusty hacksaw and ram it down his throat!

DI Natalie Chandler

And what's the one thing money can't buy?

DS Matt Devlin

Love.

DS Ronnie Brooks

A kidney on the NHS.

DS Matt Devlin

Security cameras are all fakes. They're only there as a deterrent.

DI Natalie Chandler

This is what you get when you cut corners, gentlemen.

DS Ronnie Brooks

Just come from a budget meeting?

DI Natalie Chandler

Don't ask. You don't fancy swapping your squad cars for bicycles, do you?

DS Ronnie Brooks

Oh, that would be good. I can see me and (Matt) on a tandem.

DS Matt Devlin

What's new there? You'll be at the back stuffing your face, I'll be at the front doing the leg work, as usual

DI Natalie Chandler

Wasn't a serious suggestion, boys.

DI Natalie Chandler

Ron? You think she knew her attacker?

DS Ronnie Brooks

Her head was bashed in against her own car door, guv. I'd say that was personal.

DS Matt Devlin

The shop downstairs is another story, though. Owned by one Sanjit Chatterjee, currently under investigation for unpaid VAT, and selling alcohol without a license. He's already got one failed business under his belt. Declared bankruptcy at the tender age of twenty-five.

DI Natalie Chandler

So not exactly young entrepreneur of the year.

DS Ronnie Brooks

And he's got a stupid beard.

DI Natalie Chandler

That's enough for me.

DS Matt Devlin

This Saturday, there are scheduled to be 54 weddings.

DI Natalie Chandler

And now a funeral. [to Brooks] Dust off your morning suit, Ronnie.

DS Ronnie Brooks

Not likely. The last wife cut the arms off it.

DI Natalie Chandler

[Carries a cup through after Ronnie had been held at gunpoint] Tea, four sugars.

DS Ronnie Brooks

[as Matt shakily takes the cup] Get that down you.

DS Ronnie Brooks

[leaves the room]You don't get rid of me that easy, sunshine.

DS Ronnie Brooks

There's stuff on here I wouldn't even tell meself!

DI Natalie Chandler

Ronnie? Noone's listening.

DS Ronnie Brooks

Infact I'd be tempted to say there's a whole lot of 'Loveck' going on

DI Natalie Chandler

Yeah, resist it.

DS Matt Devlin

He doesn't take much interest in his wife's business.

DI Natalie Chandler

Oh, so a typical healthy marriage then.

DI Natalie Chandler

Haven't you got a meal for one waiting for you to heat up?

DS Ronnie Brooks

I don't heat them up, Guv. I just suck them frozen.