Mike Cannon quotes from Las Vegas

Mike

I hate this town

Mike Cannon

Hey, don't forget: barbecue at my house tomorrow night. I've got some great new gadgets I've been working on.

Danny

You're not going to rewire my car and set it on fire again, are you?

Mike

That really hurts, Danny. You had a short, okay? That was an accident!

Mike Cannon

When I start dating a girl, you know what I do?

Danny

What do you do?

Mike

Whatever she wants. Sunrise hike in the mountains? Sounds good! Antique shopping? Let's go! I establish rapport.

Danny

It sounds like guy code for ass kiss to me.

Ed

Would either of you want me on the jury?

Nah!

Monica Mancuso

So, Mike --

Yes?

Monica

What sort of impression do I make?

Mike

Come again?

Monica

If we were at a bar and you hadn't seen me before.

Mike

Oh! Can I speak candidly?

Monica

I insist you speak candidly.

Mike

I think you are a hot piece of ass.

Monica

Good answer.

Mike

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Check it out! Punch in camera eight on that cell. You got it? Looks like 555-0178. Find out who's number that is.

Delinda

What's going on? She diss you? You've got to learn to take no for an answer.

That's a pay phone.

Mike

Okay. I've been here before, remember? All we've got to do is tap into the pay phone's records. Find out what number called it at 3:48 p.m. today.

That's illegal, Mike. You can't access a public phone's records. Okay. [points at screen] She stole Ed's Aston Martin.

Delinda

Daddy's car?!

Mike

Yes.

Delinda

You're dead.

Mike

I know.

Delinda

Good luck!

Sam Marquez

Dear, God, please make them stop.

Mike Cannon

Yeah, your brother and your boss. Not the most holy of unions.

Sam Marquez

Nuh-uh. What am I gonna do?

Mike Cannon

Ignore it.

Sam Marquez

I'm trying, but I can't. I mean, this is interfering with my job. The time I've spent showering, alone.

Mike Cannon

Showering?

Sam Marquez

Should I talk to him? I should talk to him! Thanks, Mike!

Delinda Deline

Did you know I was a magician's assistance once?

Sam Marquez

Why does that not surprise me?

Delinda Deline

The Amazing Roger. He was super cute. I actually learned a few tricks myself.

Mike Cannon

Really? Like what?

Delinda Deline

Once we were driving home from a show, and I put my hand on his thigh and he turned into a motel.

Mike Cannon

That reverse psychology stuff, that's cheating, Sam.

Sam Marquez

Uh-huh. If you ain't cheatin', you ain't tryin', Mike.

Mike Cannon

Damn.

Danny McCoy

Sam, you heard of Sexiest Bachelors of Vegas calendar?

Sam Marquez

Yeah, of course.Everyone has. Roberto, my colorist,he has it up on the wall in his salon, and all the boys make bets on who they can get to bite the pillow first.

Mike Cannon

You're kidding?

Sam Marquez

No, he does pretty well for himself,actually.Last year, he nailed Mr. July, Mr. December....

Danny McCoy

So this is a- a gay calendar?

Sam Marquez

Yeah, it's the gayest.Why?

Mike Cannon

No reason.

Sam Marquez

You guys posed for the calendar?

Mike Cannon

Huh? No. You kidding?

Sam Marquez

She got you with the puppies?

Danny McCoy

They were so cute.

Mike Cannon

Danny...Danny...

Sam Marquez

What is it with boys and dogs...When does that come out?

Mike Cannon

We don't know what you're talking about.

Sam Marquez

Oh. You know what? I have to go.I don't have time for this.I have to go, uh, tell everybody. Heeehaaa!! [Sam laughs and runs away.]

Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam!

Mike Cannon

This is very, very, very bad.

Danny McCoy

This is worse than bad.

Mike Cannon

Delinda, do you see this guy I've been watching at the bar. Mr. McKeen. He and his wife are perfectly compatible.

Delinda

And look how happy they are.

Mike

That's not his wife!

Sam Marquez

[to Mike about Ed] What do you mean a heart attack? Oh, that's great. He probably found out Delinda and Danny were sleeping together again.

Mary Connell

Is that true?

No, no!

Sam

No, Mary, it's not true.

Mary

Am I the only one who didn't know about Danny and Delinda?

Sam

Well, you and Ed.

Mike

Please don't have a heart attack, Mary.

Danny

What's this? You and Shannon? You learned nothing from that seminar?

Mike Cannon

The pot calling kettle. Who's talking?

Danny

Mine is a preexisting condition!

Danny

Well, if he took the thing, he's obviously a thief.

Mike

So, what do you want to do?

Ed

I guess there's only one thing we can do. We're gonna steal it back, boys.

Ed

Listen, no one is going to jail, okay? All we're doing is simply reclaiming something that belongs to us, now are you in or out?

Danny

I'm In.

Mike

One condition, if we go to jail I get the top bunk.

Ed

If we go to jail you pretty boys wont have to worry about it, you wont be getting much sleep. :(laughs) know what I mean?