Ed Deline quotes from Las Vegas

Ed Deline

Danny, welcome to the family.

Danny

Excuse me, what?

Ed

If I catch you looking at another girl, take a poison pill, because I'll kill ya.

Ed

Trudy and I were wondering what your intentions might be.

Delinda Deline

My intentions, Daddy?

Ed

Well, you know, Danny --

Delinda

I thought I'd have as much sex with him and his cute little butt as possible, then when I get bored, dump him.

Ed

That's cute. That's really funny.

Sam Marquez

If he pinches my ass I'll deck him.

Ed Deline

No you won't.

Ed Deline

She dumped you.

Danny McCoy

Like yesterday's newspaper.

Ed

Cominski. Cominski, Marie. Shoplifting, conviction. Check forgery, conviction. Mail fraud. Now you add to this misappropriation.

Sam Marquez

Stealing from your husband.

Ed

Who you adore. Or I can make your life miserable.

Sam

He will.

Ed

Very miserable.

Danny McCoy

The tint is off. The thickness is way off. Look at this thing!

Ed Deline

I'm your father. I work in a casino. You took chips that look like they were made by a zoo animal. How do you suppose that makes me look? A: good. B: not so good.

Delinda Deline

Well I'm sorry. You never invited me to take your daughter to work day.

Ed

You were busy gallivanting all over Europe!

Delinda

Well you wanted me to get an education.

Ed

Exactly. So that you could be taken by some two bit hustler in the ladies lounge of my casino. Money well spent, I'd say.

Jillian

I want to start working again.

Ed

But you don't need a job, I mean what the heck would you do anyway?

Jillian

Something...that would allow me to interact with other human beings. I mean, ever since Delinda left the house I...do you have any idea what I do all day? I go to the club, if I'm not at the club, I go to the spa.

Ed

(laughs) I know a lot of people who'll want that job.

Danny

I told you that I don't sleep anymore.

Ed

Why?

Danny

Because there's nobody left to watch my back. They're all dead. (shudders) Every single one of them.

Ed

It is completely abnormal for grown men to paint smiles and frowns on their faces with bright colors.

Delinda

You know, Daddy, one would've thought that the CIA might have diagnosed your coulrophobia and done something about it.

Sam

(laughs) Okay. So...you have a little problem with clowns, big guy?

Ed

Shut up.

Ed

Would either of you want me on the jury?

Nah!

Delinda Deline

Two words: Polyester.

Ed Deline

Two words: Calm down.

Delinda Deline

Don't tell me to calm down! You're not even listening to me!

Ed Deline

No, I'm not. I'm trying to study for my driver's test.

Delinda Deline

No one studies for their driver's test!

Ed Deline

Well not everyone has a genius IQ, sweetheart.

Delinda Deline

It does come in handy sometimes. Hey, quit changing the subject! This is a slippery slope, Daddy. I mean, first the wait-staff at Mystique wears polyester uniforms, then who knows what she'll suggest? Stripes with plaids? Denim on denim's? Skorts?!

Ed Deline

Skorts? What's a skort?

Delinda Deline

Where does it end, Daddy? Where??

Delinda Deline

[trips] Ouch!

Ed Deline

Honey, are you okay?

Delinda Deline

Ow! My shoe!

Mary Connell

Aren't those the shoes you got at the sale where Monica...

Delinda Deline

Yes. I'm still breaking them in, I guess.

Ed Deline

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait. You bought those shoes where she died?

Delinda Deline

They were on sale.

Ed Deline

When was the last time you had a vacation?

Sam Marquez

I don't know. Clinton was in office.

Ed

[speaking of Delinda and Danny] Is something going on between you two?

Delinda

No! No. No, Danny's just -- he's just been feeling a little left out. You know, you've been spending a lot of time with Derek.

Ed

Well, I mean, that's because he's about to become my son in law.

Delinda

No, I know. Just spend a little time with Danny, too. You're like a father to him.

I have no intention of killing you.

Ed Deline

That's funny, because I have every intention of killing you.

I do, however, have no problem at all killing your daughter.