Sam Marquez quotes from Las Vegas

Sam

Either this guy is the nicest multi-millionaire I've ever met, or he's completely screwing with me.

Sam Marquez

Tequila's like amnesia in a bottle for me.

Sam

Men are pigs. Those two are oinkers.

Sam Marquez

If he pinches my ass I'll deck him.

Ed Deline

No you won't.

Ed

Cominski. Cominski, Marie. Shoplifting, conviction. Check forgery, conviction. Mail fraud. Now you add to this misappropriation.

Sam Marquez

Stealing from your husband.

Ed

Who you adore. Or I can make your life miserable.

Sam

He will.

Ed

Very miserable.

Sam Marquez

Do you really think you should have your feet up on Big Ed's desk?

Danny McCoy

Big Ed's probably at a luau right now patting down Don Ho, but don't you worry, ladies. Big Danny's here.

Oh, my God. The boss isn't gone five minutes, he's already gone mad!

Mary Connell

Did you get them back?

Sam

The front desk is going to let them freak out for a few minutes and then blame it on the computer.

Mary

You're bad!

Sam

I know!

Danny

Since when do you speak Chinese?

Sam

Mandarin.

Danny

Mandarin.

Sam

Since I learned eighty percent of high rollers were Chinese.

Danny

Oh. So how did you land Zhao? I thought he only played in Monte Carlo.

Sam

I found out his daughters go to school in New York and he doesn't get to see them very often, so I organized...

Danny

So you organized a little reunion. Very nice.

Sam

Xie-xie.

Ed

It is completely abnormal for grown men to paint smiles and frowns on their faces with bright colors.

Delinda

You know, Daddy, one would've thought that the CIA might have diagnosed your coulrophobia and done something about it.

Sam

(laughs) Okay. So...you have a little problem with clowns, big guy?

Ed

Shut up.

Sam Marquez

What is wrong with these rich college kids? What, is there some kind of jackass gene that kicks in?

Danny McCoy

Yeah, there is.

Delinda Deline

Sam. Have you seen Seth? I'm really worried about him.

Sam Marquez

Delinda, he's an adult.

Delinda Deline

He shows up this sweet, unspoiled country boy and now I've turned him into some sort of --

Sam Marquez

American?

Delinda Deline

Oh, God.

Sam Marquez

Yeah. Listen, there's this thing. I'm not sure if you've heard of it or not. It's called personal responsibility.

Delinda Deline

Yeah, but he's overdoing it. And it's all my fault.

Sam Marquez

Good. Everyone overdoes it. That's why we're here.

Delinda Deline

Yeah, but he's picking up slutty girls.

Sam Marquez

That's excellent, actually. He wears the Boy George hats, but he's not gay.

Delinda Deline

And he's drinking like a fish.

Sam Marquez

Helps kill the slutty girl germs.

Sam Marquez

If that bitch thinks that she is going to get away with this, she has another think coming!

Danny

It looks like she already has.

Delinda Deline

I hate to say this, Sam, but you smell like a dog.

Sam Marquez

Yeah! It's Beaumont, of Silver Springs. He's this big, goofy Great Dane. My whale's showing him at the competition.

Delinda

How adorable!

Sam

Yeah, he is. He reminds me of my first love, John Butler. I can't get over the resemblance.

Delinda

Not the dog. The whale, right?

Sam

Yeah, I have a date with him tonight. I feel like a girl. Let's sit down and talk about it!

Hey, sis!

Sam Marquez

Hey sis. Who are you, Greg Brady? Who says things like that?

Sam Marquez

Dear, God, please make them stop.

Mike Cannon

Yeah, your brother and your boss. Not the most holy of unions.

Sam Marquez

Nuh-uh. What am I gonna do?

Mike Cannon

Ignore it.

Sam Marquez

I'm trying, but I can't. I mean, this is interfering with my job. The time I've spent showering, alone.

Mike Cannon

Showering?

Sam Marquez

Should I talk to him? I should talk to him! Thanks, Mike!