Sam Marquez quotes from Las Vegas

Mary

[runs up, frantic] Hey, hey. Have you guys seen Danny?

Sam

No. It's not my turn to watch him.

Delinda

[watches as Mary runs away in search of Danny] She gets weirder every day.

Sam

Dr. Paul's love movement is a scary cult.

Delinda

He makes more money than Kabbalah and Scientology combined.

Sam

Cult! He's got one of my whales convinced that if I throw a flower in front of each of the doors on his floor that love will come to him.

Delinda

[smells flower] They are beautiful.

Sam

You're so easy.

Delinda

You're so bitter.

Danny McCoy

Sam, you heard of Sexiest Bachelors of Vegas calendar?

Sam Marquez

Yeah, of course.Everyone has. Roberto, my colorist,he has it up on the wall in his salon, and all the boys make bets on who they can get to bite the pillow first.

Mike Cannon

You're kidding?

Sam Marquez

No, he does pretty well for himself,actually.Last year, he nailed Mr. July, Mr. December....

Danny McCoy

So this is a- a gay calendar?

Sam Marquez

Yeah, it's the gayest.Why?

Mike Cannon

No reason.

Sam Marquez

You guys posed for the calendar?

Mike Cannon

Huh? No. You kidding?

Sam Marquez

She got you with the puppies?

Danny McCoy

They were so cute.

Mike Cannon

Danny...Danny...

Sam Marquez

What is it with boys and dogs...When does that come out?

Mike Cannon

We don't know what you're talking about.

Sam Marquez

Oh. You know what? I have to go.I don't have time for this.I have to go, uh, tell everybody. Heeehaaa!! [Sam laughs and runs away.]

Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam!

Mike Cannon

This is very, very, very bad.

Danny McCoy

This is worse than bad.

Sam

[sees Delinda smiling as she walks by] You had sex, didn't you?

Delinda

Excuse me?

Sam

Who did you have sex with, hooker?

Delinda

Okay, I had sex, but with no one you know.

Sam

Really? I know quite a few people in this town. Try me.

Delinda

Well, he doesn't even live here. He travels a lot. He's a professional bowler.

Sam

[disbelieving] You had sex with a bowler?

Delinda

[nods but realizes she's had] Never. I had sex with Danny.

Sam

Danny?

Delinda

Yeah.

Sam

I don't know if that's cool or not. What about Mary?

Delinda

Look, it's nothing. Anyway, Mary and Danny are over. Ask Danny.

Ed Deline

When was the last time you had a vacation?

Sam Marquez

I don't know. Clinton was in office.

Sam

Delinda, listen to me: no one listens to advice. They think they do, but they don't. So it doesn't matter what I say. You're going to do what you want in the end and that's okay.

Delinda Deline

Fine. I'll go ask Mary then.

Sam

Perfect.

Delinda

What?

Sam

What do you mean, what? You know! When you decided to start sleeping with Danny again, did you tell Mary?

Delinda

Of course not!

Sam

Why?

Delinda

Because they've been over for more than a year!

Sam

And?!

Delinda

Because it might hurt her feelings!

Sam

And did you tell Derek?

Delinda

Of course, I tell him everything!

Sam

Delinda, listen to me, before you marry this guy, or don't marry him, and especially before you walk around asking everybody a bunch of girly questions, you need to make sure that your ducks are in a row.

Delinda

So you think I should tell Mary about Danny?

Sam

Everything always comes out eventually and she needs to hear it from you before she hears it from somebody else.

Delinda

You don't think she still loves Danny, do you?

Sam

What?! The sun always rises in the east, you always get hungry a half hour after you eat Chinese food, and Mary Connell will always love Danny McCoy.

Sam

I can't believe we don't have dates. I mean, look at us. We're hot. I know, I know, I'm hotter than you because I'm the whole package, but still. You should be able to dig up and old ho with that whole pretty boy thing you've got going on.

Danny

[sarcastically] Thank you.

Sam

Good luck with that.

Danny

Thanks for the vote of confidence!

Sam Marquez

[to Mike about Ed] What do you mean a heart attack? Oh, that's great. He probably found out Delinda and Danny were sleeping together again.

Mary Connell

Is that true?

No, no!

Sam

No, Mary, it's not true.

Mary

Am I the only one who didn't know about Danny and Delinda?

Sam

Well, you and Ed.

Mike

Please don't have a heart attack, Mary.

Sam Marquez

You think I'm mean?

It doesn't matter. I can totally handle it. In fact, I kind of dig it.

Sam

Okay, I'm going to try and say this in the nicest way. I think you should go back to Hawaii, because if you don't, I will have Ed Deline kill you.

Delinda Deline

Hey, I need a few annoying habits of Danny's. I have a list going.

Sam Marquez

I can't help you.

Delinda

You don't think there's anything annoying about Danny?

Sam

I think there are about a million things, but I don't have the four hours necessary to get into it.

Sam

Okay, how about the fact that he's a little too chummy-chummy with your father. That's creepy.

Delinda

You're right.

Sam

And have you ever noticed that every time that boy walks past a mirror he's got to look in it? [turns to see Delinda fixing her hair in a reflective sign] You guys will be great.

Delinda

Wait, what did you say after mirror?

Delinda Deline

I just want our first Christmas together to be special, do you know what I mean?

Sam Marquez

He is just pissing away his money.

Delinda

Isn't that what you want?

Sam

Of course it's what we want, but we want people to piss away their money correctly.

Delinda

Oh. I didn't know there was a correct way to piss away money.

Sam

Well there is! Now what is it you're going on about?

Delinda

It's Danny and mine's first Christmas. I'm planning a special, candlelit romantic Christmas Eve dinner. Then a little cuddling by the fire --

Sam

Okay, hold it. I don't want to hear about you and Danny playing hide the salami in front of the fireplace or under the Christmas tree.

Delinda

Why does everyone think that's all we do?

Sam

Because you two couldn't stop banging each other if your lives depended on it. [Delinda smiles] In fact, I'm surprised you two aren't permanently attached at the crotch.

I have lost the will to work.

Sam

You're Korean.

Hard to believe, I know.

Sam Marquez

I need a favor.

Delinda Deline

What's up?

Sam

I need you to be Asad Sumar's casino host for at least a day.

Delinda

What?

Sam

I know he bought you that expensive dress, if you say no you'll look like a money grubbing whore.

Delinda

You know about the dress?

Sam

Everybody knows about the dress.

Delinda

Even Danny?

Sam

He's actually a little smarter than he looks, isn't he?

Delinda

I knew that would come back to bite me in the ass.

Sam

I know. Your ass is pretty popular these days, so that's nice isn't it? Will you do this for me? Pretty please?

Delinda

He's pissed at me.

Sam

Well since he's pissed at you, maybe you should pass the time by, say, making some extra money and filling in for me.

Delinda

How much extra?

Sam

Well it would be enough to pay Asad back for that dress if you were stupid enough to do it.

Delinda

You've got yourself a deal.

Delinda

You like someone.

Sam

No I don't. [pause] You just worry about Asad. I'll worry about not liking someone.