TV show quotes
[An argument between Arthur and Carrie]
I've got two words for you: I'm staying right here!
That's four words.
Well, here's four more words for you: screw you!
That's two words.
Arthur maybe you should stop saying how many words you are going to use in advance.
Yeah, once you do that you're pretty much locked in, huh?
[Arthur's house is on fire]
I wonder if it's too late to get insurance.
So, you want to move back in, huh? That would be real convenient for you, wouldn't it? You leave for a few days, you bounce around the outside world for a while like that bird who's "cuckoo for coca puffs," and you just waltz back in. You know what, Arthur? Take my basement back. It's yours. You know what? Fine. Take it. And while you're at it, why don't you-- why don't you take the TV, too? And-- and the foosball table, and, uh, hey, the couch. It's yours. It's all yours. Uh, hey, my mustard-strained jets blanket, huh? Oh, and-- and my baseball encyclopedia, oh and my x-rated video with the label, "bad news bears go to Japan," so Carrie won't notice it!
Take it all, Arthur! Hey, what else can I get for you? Hey, do you want the flooring? 'Cause I could rip up the carpet. Come on, what else can I give you? How 'bout my kidneys? Come on, I have two! WHAT THE HELL?! TAKE 'EM BOTH, ARTHUR!! God, why should I have anything, right? ALL I DO IS GO TO WORK EVERY DAY AND PAY MY MORTGAGE ON TIME! AND WHEN IT'S NOT ON TIME, IT'S CERTAINLY WITHIN THE GRACE PERIOD!! BUT I GUESS THAT MEANS NOTHING!!! NOTHING!!! And you know what? That's fine. I'll just be a GUY GOING THROUGH LIFE WITH NO BASEMENT AND NO KIDNEYS!!!
Doug (content): Cereal...I had you last night, too. (He reaches up over the door jamb and grabs the key to unlock the garage, but is surprised when the door seems to be open.)
CARRIE!!! (He turns around and walks back into the kitchen, where Carrie is at the kitchen table.) Can I see you in the garage? (He grabs Carrie and all but drags her to the garage. Once there, he gestures to the spot where the TV used to be.) Huh?!
Where's your TV?
I'm thinkin' it was stolen!
Oh, my God! Do you think somebody broke in here?
You know what? That's one theory! Here's another: (yelling) They came in through the garage door that you left open!!
Carrie (shocked): What?! No, I didn't!
Did, Carrie! Did! You were the last one in here, it's open, that means--try and stay with me, here--that you left it open!!!
I'll tell you why it happened. It happened because you wanted it to happen!
Carrie (incredulous): What?
You heard me! You hated my TV, so you wished it out into the cornfield, and it's gone!
The cornfield, Doug?
Yeah, classic Twilight Zone? Sci-Fi Channel? Ever hear of it? Here, let me show you. (He uses the remote as if he's turning on the TV.) OOOOH! I CAN'T!!
[Doug's first encounter with Carrie was when Doug worked as a nightclub bouncer and his friend and co-worker Richie got him a a date with Carrie's friend, Lynn]
Do you...you know, get in to a lot of fights at the club?
Well, you know, it is...it's...I try everything I can not to fight. It's like I tell my boys. Always be nice. Be very nice. Until it's time to not be nice. Then...be very not nice.
[laughs] I love that!
Yeah, I can't take full credit though. Patrick Swayze said it at Road House.
Oh, I never saw that movie!
You never saw it...? It's only the greatest movie ever made except for Risky Business.
Doug (sarcastic): Make sure it doesn't have capers. (Carrie stiffens, as if she was expecting this.)
Carrie (testy): Okay, here we go. You wanna get into this now? Bring it on.
No, no, I don't wanna get into it, I want you to be happy. Don't want you to have to call the Lean Cuisine people and ask for the manager.
Carrie (turning to face Doug): Well, if I did have to, we all know on whose side you'd be on, don't we?
I wanted a nice evening out. You're the one who went insane!
Oh, yeah, I'm insane. I ordered my food without capers and then wanted it without capers. Yeah, fit me for a strait-jacket, I'm a loon!
You know what I mean, okay? You're always on the lookout for who's out to get you! You can never just let something go, because that would result in a delightful evening out, and we can't have that, can we? No!
I swear, I think the Spooner family crest is a shaking fist with the words, "I want to see the manager!"
These quotes come from Wikiquote's King of Queens pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
