Carrie quotes from King of Queens ... TV Quotes Database

Yeah, classic Twilight Zone? Sci-Fi Channel? Ever hear of it? Here, let me show you. (He uses the remote as if he's turning on the TV.) OOOOH! I CAN'T!!

S2 E5 Tube Stakes

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Doug (sarcastic): Make sure it doesn't have capers. (Carrie stiffens, as if she was expecting this.)

Carrie (testy): Okay, here we go. You wanna get into this now? Bring it on.

Doug

No, no, I don't wanna get into it, I want you to be happy. Don't want you to have to call the Lean Cuisine people and ask for the manager.

Carrie (turning to face Doug): Well, if I did have to, we all know on whose side you'd be on, don't we?

Doug

I wanted a nice evening out. You're the one who went insane!

Carrie

Oh, yeah, I'm insane. I ordered my food without capers and then wanted it without capers. Yeah, fit me for a strait-jacket, I'm a loon!

Doug

You know what I mean, okay? You're always on the lookout for who's out to get you! You can never just let something go, because that would result in a delightful evening out, and we can't have that, can we? No!

S2 E23 Restaurant Row

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Carrie

[catching 'food-unfaithful' Doug who is sneakily devouring the leftovers of Becky's salad back in the kitchen] You would do this to me over salad?

Doug

I am very weak.

S4 E13 Food Fight

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Carrie

[Arthur is watching It's A Wonderful Life] Ah, It's A Wonderful Life. Pretty great, huh?

Arthur

Actually, I think it's a swing and a miss.

Carrie

What are you talking about? It's one of the greatest movies of all time.

Arthur

With George Bailey, the town is boring. Without him, there's nightclubs and bars. It's fabulous. I wish he hadn't been born.

S4 E13 Food Fight

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SSpence

[about Arthur] I can't believe he's never seen The Wizard of Oz.

Carrie

So, how are you liking it so far, dad?

Arthur

[scared on seeing the film] Is anyone else but me terrified?

S4 E13 Food Fight

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[Doug and Carrie are canoeing, and Doug is singing while they paddle]

Doug

...56 bottles of beer- in the boat. 56 bottles of beer. You take one down, pass it around, 55 bottles of beer- in the boat.

[after a long argument between Doug and Carrie while they are still canoeing]

Doug

Just stop complaining and sing with me! It's fun! (singing same song detailed above, only louder and in a angrier voice) 55 bottles of beer- in the boat! 55 bottles of beer-

Carrie

Owls don't bite! They wear glasses! They're the nerds of the forest!

[Doug is lost in the woods, but assures himself he will make it out alive. Yells this after jogging to the top of a hill]

Doug

I will survive!!! I CHOOSE LIFE!!

S6 E1 Doug-Less (Parts 1 + 2)

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Doug

I want that other house!

Carrie

Doug, we already talked about this! Now we're here to sign papers on this other house--

Doug (angry): We didn't talk about it! You steamrolled me! And I'm not signing anything until we talk about it for real!

Carrie (annoyed): Okay, fine, you wanna talk about it? Tell me why we should buy the other house without mentioning "dumb-waiter" and "pork" ! (Doug tries to come up with something, but he can't.)

Doug (in frustration): You know that's impossible!

Carrie

Then this conversation is over.

Doug (furious): Okay, fine, you know what? Let's just go with the house you want, all right? Hey, and you know what? Here's a great idea! You once told me you liked the name Mike, so from now on, my name's Mike! (turns on the beard trimmer) You know what?! I should shave my mustace! (He brings the trimmer to his mustache, but stops, as if he's had another idea.) What the heck, you know what? Why stop at the face, huh? (He yanks his shirt out of his pants and sticks the trimmer under his shirt, making motions as if he's shaving.) How 'bout in here, yeah? Am I hairless enough for you? Smooth Mike, that's what they're gonna call me! (Suddenly, he winces as if he's hit something. High pitched) Nipple!

S6 E12 Dougie Houser

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Carrie

Did you lift up your shirt and make them touch your belly hair?!

Doug (feigning shock): What?!

Carrie (she's not buying it): Did you?

Doug

I don't even know what you're sayin'!

Carrie

Did you lift up your shirt and make Peter and Ellen touch your belly hair?!

Doug (sarcastic): Yeah, then I threw on a G-string (gyrates) and did a little lap dance, yeah.

S6 E21 Tank Heaven

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CCharlotte

There's this really cute boy at school.

Carrie

Michael?

CCharlotte

Yeah, but he likes Donna Pizzoni.

Carrie

Well, just make him like you, instead.

Charlotte: How?

Carrie

Well, you just start a nasty rumor about the other girl. You know? "She's a skank" or "she's poor." Could be anything, really, and before you know it, you'll be wearing his varsity jacket.

S9 E1 Mama Cast

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JJessica

(on machine) I can't help thinking about last Saturday, lying naked in the sand. I still quiver when I think about being with you.

(Kelly and Carrie laugh)

KKelly

She did not just say "quiver."

Carrie

She did, and Doug was afraid that I would think it was him!

(they laugh even more)

S9 E2 Affair Trade

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Doug

There's a block party out there and we're the only couple not invited. I mean, look, there's the guy who everyone thinks killed his wife. He's out there.

Carrie

Doug, it's a block party. Really, what are we missing? (derisive) "Oh, I like the onion dip." "My, hasn't Billy grown?" Please

S9 E5 Ruff Goin

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Carrie

Look at you! Enjoying your tofu sausage and I can't believe they're not eggs!

Doug

Yep, and you know what makes them taste better? Knowing I'm doing the right thing—and a butt load of hot sauce.

S9 E8 Offensive Fowl

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