Hi, shirt! You get to be draped across my nipples! Congrats!
S3 E3Fatty McButterpants
Hi. I'm Doug. (strikes a pose) I'm a Pisces. I like walks in the rain and bags of pork rinds.
Don't work out with my milk, okay?
S3 E12Wedding Presence
PPhotographer
Okay, everybody, say "Wedded bliss!".
EEveryone
Wedded bliss!
PPhotographer
(When carrie and dowug try to get in the picture)Groom's family only.
[At the beach, Arthur and Spence are walking home towards the sunset]
♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪
♪ He's a warm hearted person who'll love me 'til the end ♪
♪ People let me tell you bout my best friend ♪
♪ He's a one boy cuddly toy, my up, my down, my pride and joy ♪
♪ People let me tell you 'bout him he's so much fun ♪
♪ Whether we're talkin' man to man or whether we're talking son to son ♪
♪ 'Cause he's my best friend ♪
♪ Yes he's my best friend ♪
[Last lines]
S3 E13Hi-Def Jam
SHStephanie Heffernan
[Doug's sister] I don't think I've ever seen so many marionettes before.
S4 E13Food Fight
[catching 'food-unfaithful' Doug who is sneakily devouring the leftovers of Becky's salad back in the kitchen] You would do this to me over salad?
I am very weak.
[Arthur is watching It's A Wonderful Life] Ah, It's A Wonderful Life. Pretty great, huh?
Actually, I think it's a swing and a miss.
What are you talking about? It's one of the greatest movies of all time.
With George Bailey, the town is boring. Without him, there's nightclubs and bars. It's fabulous. I wish he hadn't been born.
SSpence
[about Arthur] I can't believe he's never seen The Wizard of Oz.
So, how are you liking it so far, dad?
[scared on seeing the film] Is anyone else but me terrified?
S4 E25Shrink Wrap
I would like a parrot and name him Douglas.
I'd like to get another parrot that lives and call it Douglas the second. Actually, perhaps I should wait until I get the rest of Douglas the first off the side of the garage.
Wait! That's it. I--I finally figured it out. I do have anger, but I don't like confrontation with other people, so I take it all out of myself. [Boy throws the chair over to Doug's face] KNOCK IT OFF!!!
BBoy
Sorry!
[Later]
So it turns out by avoiding over confrontation that's been going on around here, I actually caused the 2 of you to have more conflict with each other, so, really, it's my problem after avoiding this.
S6 E1Doug-Less (Parts 1 + 2)
[Doug and Carrie are canoeing, and Doug is singing while they paddle]
...56 bottles of beer- in the boat. 56 bottles of beer. You take one down, pass it around, 55 bottles of beer- in the boat.
[after a long argument between Doug and Carrie while they are still canoeing]
Just stop complaining and sing with me! It's fun! (singing same song detailed above, only louder and in a angrier voice) 55 bottles of beer- in the boat! 55 bottles of beer-
Owls don't bite! They wear glasses! They're the nerds of the forest!
[Doug is lost in the woods, but assures himself he will make it out alive. Yells this after jogging to the top of a hill]
I will survive!!! I CHOOSE LIFE!!
S6 E12Dougie Houser
I want that other house!
Doug, we already talked about this! Now we're here to sign papers on this other house--
Doug (angry): We didn't talk about it! You steamrolled me! And I'm not signing anything until we talk about it for real!
Carrie (annoyed): Okay, fine, you wanna talk about it? Tell me why we should buy the other house without mentioning "dumb-waiter" and "pork" ! (Doug tries to come up with something, but he can't.)
Doug (in frustration): You know that's impossible!
Then this conversation is over.
Doug (furious): Okay, fine, you know what? Let's just go with the house you want, all right? Hey, and you know what? Here's a great idea! You once told me you liked the name Mike, so from now on, my name's Mike! (turns on the beard trimmer) You know what?! I should shave my mustace! (He brings the trimmer to his mustache, but stops, as if he's had another idea.) What the heck, you know what? Why stop at the face, huh? (He yanks his shirt out of his pants and sticks the trimmer under his shirt, making motions as if he's shaving.) How 'bout in here, yeah? Am I hairless enough for you? Smooth Mike, that's what they're gonna call me! (Suddenly, he winces as if he's hit something. High pitched) Nipple!
S6 E21Tank Heaven
Doug (lifting up his shirt and rubbing his hairy stomach): Is this a lot of hair right here, seriously? I mean, people say I'm hairy, but I don't think I'm hairy enough.
Did you lift up your shirt and make them touch your belly hair?!
Doug (feigning shock): What?!
Carrie (she's not buying it): Did you?
I don't even know what you're sayin'!
Did you lift up your shirt and make Peter and Ellen touch your belly hair?!
Doug (sarcastic): Yeah, then I threw on a G-string (gyrates) and did a little lap dance, yeah.
S8 E19Emotional Rollercoaster
CHCarrie Heffernan
Doug can't be happy with his life, wearing short pants to work and dragging packages to people.
DPDeacon Palmer
You know I do the same thing?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's King of Queens pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.