I still say we got our roles 'cause we're celebrities. I mean, how else do you explain landing a role after saying one word.
JoeI didn't even say a word. (Mrs. Snark is going to remove the sign up sheet and she puts the program up)
Mrs. Snark, we're a little concerned that we may gotten our roles because of you know, who we are. (he, Joe and Kevin are feeling concerned because they landed their roles so easily unlike everyone else)
You absolutely got your roles because of who you are and who you are, are fine young actors. When you've been a biology/drama teacher as long as I, you only need to hear one word sometimes less-- to recognize talent. Bravo. (claps her hands) I can assure you that casting you had nothing to do with your ability to sell tickets. (she leaves with the sign up sheet)
Yeah, nothing to do with it at all.
(she enters) So did you guys hear? I got the part. I got the part. I am playing "Lady Bona-la-chew--habla-beau-la-blech." Ahem.
Wait, isn't that the love interest to Porthos played by our very own Joe?
Joe
is it? I haven't read it that far, so...
(taps the box) Oh, this is my wig. I guess I have big fancy hair to go with my big fancy name.
(points to the box) Why does it say box "1 of 3"?
(holding her wig up) I thought high heels were hard.
Musketeers-- Athos, Porthos and Aramis-- You are deciding whether to trust a criminal to help rescue Porthos's true love. (Stella is locked at the top of the tower while holding a handkerchief) Aramis, from your line.
(steps forward) Then it is up to us to save her before she loses her head.
(drops the wig then Kevin, Joe and Nick are looking at it) Sorry.
Staple gun! Everybody take five.(Kevin, Stella and Nick are walking offstage except Joe) Porthos, let's work on your monologue. Okay (walks offstage)
Joe
The night has fallen--
Stop! I'm not feeling Porthos. You're giving me Joe. I love Joe. But I want Porthos.
Joe
Ahem. (looks at the audience and Mrs Snark) The night has fallen. (Stella, Kevin and Nick are worried about Joe) The night has fallen. And within my heart... (sweat is on his face then warped laughters of Mrs. Snark, Stella, Nick and Kevin appears)
(blows a raspberry and gives a thumbs down then Joe's sweating face is shown up close)
Porthos? Porthos? (Joe is back to reality and Mrs. Snark tells him to say his line)(Stella, Nick and Kevin are still worried about Joe then he drops his sword and runs out of the auditorium)
Hey, dude. What happened? You totally skipped the scene where I get to wear my feathered hat.
Joe
I don't want to do this play anymore. It's not my thing.
What? You can't just quit. We're The Three Musketeers.
You looked pretty nervous up there.
Joe
Nervous? I perform in front of 50,000 of screaming fans with no sweat.
Yeah, but in front of us, there was some sweat (takes out a towel from his pants and he gives it to Joe) (Joe wipes sweat off his face)
Joe
Okay, maybe just a little nervous. Just a little bit. I think I'm gonna throw up... Just a little bit.
Why do you suddenly stage fright?
Joe
I don't know. When we're performing, I just have to be Joe! And that's pretty easy.
You are an excellent Joe.
Best one I've ever worked with.
Joe
But with this play, I have to be a totally different person. What if no one believes me? Or they think you're Aramis and you're Athos and I'm Stinkos.(he grabs Nick by the shirt) I mean, I-- I don't want to do that.
Bro, this is supposed to be fun. If it's not, forget it. No big.
Joe
I'm fine.
Then, please let go of my shirt. (Joe removes his hand from the shirt then Nick and Kevin leave Joe)
What is going on? Not the show, I can tell you that. Not to be melodramatic about it, but the show must go on!
Joe
I can't do the role.
You can't quit. If you quit, I'll have no career.
Joe
I'm sorry, it's just you're going to find somebody else to do the part.
Do you have another brother?
Joe
There's Frankie. He's eight but he can play really close to 11.
Where am I going to find another Porthos in such short notice?
What up, diggy dogs? (he comes and he puts his arm around Joe)
Magnificent! You've got the part.
The part of Porthos in "The Three Musketeers. (Van Dyke is confused) Porthos is her love interest.
After the break, we'll start rehearsing the big romantic scene between you and Stella. Come. (she, Stella and Van Dyke leave)
It's my talent and hard work that's made me a great athlete. Nerks!(she is angry)(walks in front of Kevin then she turns around to apologize) Ooh! I'm sorry. It's just we lost yesterday I didn't have my lucky charm. I threw nothing but bricks. Me! Mighty Mite Macy Misa!
(he takes off his boot and gives it to Macy) Here.
(holds Kevin's boot and walks while holding with it) Your Jacques LeFajette size 8 and a half calfskin boot in hot cocoa brown? (she turns around) Why?
Don't tell anybody, but I believe in lucky charms too. That's my lucky boot. I want you to have it.
But how do you know it's lucky, besides the obvious fact it gets to hug your foot all day and night.
I wear it every single night on stage. I’ve never done a performance without it, and I’ve never been struck by lightning! Now, if that’s not lucky I don’t know what is.
Well, then come on lucky boot. Let's go kick some butt! (she leaves with Kevin's boot then he is walking with one boot one)
Hey, Joe, can we talk about the play?
Joe
What about it?
Aren't you guys gonna ask me about my boot first? (he is shown wearing a sock on his left foot)
JNJoe and Nick
No. (they shake their heads)
Joe, seeing as how you decided to leave the play, me and Nick want to let you know that if you wanted us to quit, we will. (Nick nods in agreement) I really really don't want to but I will. I really don't want to but I will. I really don't want to but I will. I really really don't want to but I will.
Joe
Guys. I don't you to quit because of me. It's really cool. I appreciate it. I guess we are The Musketeers. (horns blow)
Hey, my two Musketeers. Let's hit play practice.
Joe
I think you mean rehearsal.
Rehearsal, yeah. That's what Mrs. Snark called it. (notices that Kevin isn't wearing one of his boots) Hey, where's your boot?
Thank you for asking. You know, it is a crazy story... It happened to me a little earlier
Look, um, I was sorry to see you quit.
Joe
Yeah, well, Van Dyke stepped right in there. I mean, I'm not Van Dyke Tosh, you know?
Joe
Yeah, well, he's a pretty good looking guy, though.
Do you want to lie to you?
Joe
Yes, I do.
Hey, Stella, come on! One for all and all for fun!
Tis a great risk, Porthos. (he and Nick are practicing with swords)
(grunting) But Athos, we must trust...him if we are to save the life of the fair... Lady De Bonna...
Joe
(he goes upstairs) Lady De-Bonna-So-La-Boo. I thought rehearsal was over an hour ago.
Yeah, well, some of us needed some more practice. (Kevin pats and points at Van Dyke)
Ah, no problem, fellas. I'm glad I could help you out. I did win the team-player-of-the-year trophy two years running. Speaking of running, where's the can?
Thanks. (runs to the bathroom)
Joe
Well, that is one classy guy.
Yeah, but we still wish it was you that we were rehearsing with, Joe.
And I bet you wish Van Dyke wasn't rehearsing with Stella.
Joe
So he kisses her hand in once scene-- no big deal.
Joe
Whatever. The point is, why is Van Dyke here in our room? This is like Sacred JONAS territory.
It's not like Van Dyke's going to replace you, Joe.
Except, you know, in the play where he actually did replace you.
Joe
Right.
Yo, dudes. What do you say we grab some bites?
Van Dyke : One for all--
KNKevin and Nick
All for one.
Joe
(mimicking Van Dyke) Yo, dudes, Why not grab some bites?
Joe
(enters backstage) Hey, you guys, I just wanted to say have a great show.
Van Dyke : Hey thanks, bud! We sure will. (Joe shakes Nick's hand) Okay, boys, huddle up! Go acting!
Yeah. Um, Joe, this is really weird. I think this is the first time we've perform without you.
Joe
I guess so.
Attention, everyone! Attention! Last-minute change between the romantic love scene between Porthos and Lady B. Instead of a kiss on the hand, the school board has said it's okay to for it to be a real kiss!
Joe
What? (he is shocked)
Van Dyke : Awesome. (Van Dyke sprays his mouth and Nick is trying to take out the spit from his ear)
Mrs. Snark : Places, everyone. Curtains in one minute! (feedback)
Joe
How can you eat at a time like this? (Macy looks at him then she looks back at the play and eats the popcorn)
Thanks for filming the play, Frankie. Your mother would be upset if she couldn't watch this when she gets back from your aunt Debbie's.
No problem.(he is watching cartoons rather than filming the play)(cartoon sounds)
Are you watching cartoons? Give me this. (takes the video away from Frankie)
I knew it was him for he had the mark of the criminal on his shoulder!
Then it is up to us to save her before she loses her head.
Tis a great risk, Porthos. Tis a great risk, Porthos. (waiting for Van Dyke to come)
MMan
Van Dyke. (applause) (Van Dyke bumps into Kevin which makes Kevin bumps into Nick)
But Athos, we must trust...him for tonight, I shall ask-- I shall ask...
Mrs. Snark : "Sweet my beloved into my arms and proclaim my love for her."
Sweep up with my arms the love and proclaim for her.
Looks like somebody could use a lucky boot.
Dare I ask if I may have your heart?
Yes yes, my beloved. A thousand times, yes.
Dare I ask...if I may have a kiss?
Dare dare, my beloved. A thousands times dare. (she walks down the tower then she holds hands with Van Dyke)
Stella and Van Dyke are gonna...(she looks at Joe's chair but he left the audience to interrupt Van Dyke from kissing Stella)(Van Dyke and Stella are about to kiss)
Joe
No! (he swings on a rope and knocks Van Dyke away while Stella backs away from being hit)
Joe
I'm sorry, but he can't kiss you.
Joe
Because this is my role. (he picks up the feathered hat) Dare I ask, may I have a kiss, Lady De-Bonna-So-La-Boo?
Yes. I mean... Dare dare, my beloved. A thousands times dare. (Joe kisses her on the cheek) (applause from Nick, Kevin, Mrs. Snark, Macy and the crowd)
Bravo! Bravo! (Van Dyke is waking up with the flower between his teeth and he stands next to Mrs. Snark then spits the flower out) (Van Dyke reaches into his pocket and give a tissue to Mrs. Snark)
Joe
(he and Stella switch places) Aramis, my sword! (Nick tosses the sword to Joe and he catches it) Ahh!
(wiping her tears with a tissue) It's better than "Cats."
Joe
We'll return at dawn, my love. (he walks over to Kevin and Nick)
NJNick, Joe, and Kevin
(Kevin and Nick take out their swords then the three of them raised their swords together) One for all, and all for one!
And a leather pouch for my turkey leg!
Joe
(talks on the phone) She's not my girlfriend! I don't even know Fiona Skye! Yes, and that's for the record. (hangs up the phone then talks on on the phone again) Hello? Now they're calling from "Celebrity Dirt." No, Fiona and I are not involved in any way. Why are all these reporters asking about Fiona Skye. Who is she? (asks Kevin)
She was in that horror film "Screaming till You Die Screaming" or "Crying till you Die Crying." Either way, it was horrible. I remember being there and laughing till I died laughing. Yeah, 'cause I... laughed.
Joe
I don't know her! Leave me alone! Oh! I'm sorry, little boy. Don't cry. You have the wrong number. I just made a little boy cry. (he tells Kevin that Joe yelled at the boy on the cellphone)
Hey, nice shot of you and Fiona with your arms around each other. (Nick slides down the pole while holding the cellphone and walks to the kitchen counter to give it to Joe then he sees the photo of him and Fiona hugging)
Joe
I don't remember this. Wait a minute. (he has a flashback of him, Kevin and Nick walking into the theater then Fiona Skye walks up to him)
Hold the door, handsome. (she puts her arm around Joe and he takes off his sunglasses)
Joe
I don't get it. (Nick takes back his cellphone from Joe) What's the big deal? She put her arm around me for one picture. A million of girls have done that... and every one special. (his teeth dings) (Kevin and Nick look at Joe) Seriously. (breaking the fourth wall)
(enters while holding the magazine and Nick reaches for his phone) (Tom walks to Joe) Hey, looks like somebody's got a new dance partner, a new boo, a new shorty.
Joe
The only shorty in my life is Frankie.
It says here you're so crazy about Fiona Skye you gave her a diamond necklace. (reads the magazine)
Joe
How could they say that?
Well, there's a picture of you giving her a diamond necklace. (holds the magazine)
Joe
(exits and picks up Fiona's diamond necklace) Did somebody lose a necklace?
(exits then Joe gives back the necklace) Oh, thanks, gorgeous! You're my hero.
Joe
This is ridiculous. It was her necklace. I'm just the gorgeous hero who picked it up.
I wouldn't worry about it, you know another day or two. This'll disappear from all the magazines and all the blogs. (phone chirps) (takes out the phone out of his blazer) And all the vlogs (phone beeps) and all tweets.
(she is keeping an eye out for Fiona and Paolo while Joe hides his face behind his history book and Kevin also his face hides but for no reason) Coast is clear.
Joe
(closes the book) I can't do this anymore. I just read a whole page of my history book. She's driving me crazy.
(walks up to Joe) Really? According to this blog, you guys have secret nicknames for each other. You call her "Fifi" and she calls you "Pookins".
Joe
"Pookins?"
I cannot believe they printed that. Now, they're not secret anymore. Now you gotta find--
Joe
There are no nicknames. She's making it all up to help her career. I just wish there was a way we could get rid of her.
You know, Joe, if you need help getting rid of this girl, I could always talk to her. (slams locker loudly)
Joe
And by talk, you mean rip her hair out.
If by hair, you mean those cheap extensions?
Why can't we just ask Big Man to help?
Yeah, that's a great idea. (Big Man is carrying her away)
No, put me down! Put me down right now!
"How JONAS picks up girls."
Yeah, why does Joe have to be such a media magnet.
Joe I can't help it. It's the curse of the cool.
Wait a minute. That's it. If Fiona thinks being connected to you makes her look cool, then what if you weren’t cool?
Joe
But I am.
Joe
But I am.
Joe
Hey, what's up? But I am.
Okay, can we move past this part.
What if Fiona thought you were so uncool that it actually made her look bad to be seen with you.
Yeah yeah yeah, she wouldn't be interested at all.
Joe She'd run for the hills.
Nick Exactly. (Joe, Nick and Stella walk away)
So we know she lives in the hills. (follows Joe, Nick and Stella)
Joe
You had to take a look on Fiona's face when she saw me. When I told her that I was going to go out as the real "Joe" in public...
The girl ran for the hills.
We're pretty sure she lives there.
Yay. (excitely claps her hands)
Joe
I can promise you that's the last time we're gonna be seeing Fiona Skye.
Hi, pookins! (arrives at school with Paolo)
KJKevin, Joe, Stella and Nick
Oh no.
Paolo posted the pictures he took at your house and the fan sites are on fire!
Joe
What?
"Fiona brings out the real Joe." (she hands her phone to Joe and he looks at the picture) (pop ringtone rings) (Joe gives her phone back to her) (clears throat) (Paolo picks up the phone then he puts it on Fiona's ear and she talks on it) Hello. Fiona. No no no! I specifically said my romance with Joe should be kept private. And you can print that! (Paolo gives the phone back to her and they walk away)
Wow. You should be in "Scream Until You Die Screaming." (Joe checks his ear) That would've been good. (Stella looks at him)
Joe
It's hopeless. No matter what I say or do, all the magazines are talking about is my "romance" with Fiona.
Not true. They also mention that you're a world-class nerd.
Joe
Thanks, Nick. That'll do.
(on the stairs) Then we've gotta get them talking something else. Because the best way to end one rumor...
(walks down the stairs and goes to the table then sits wth Stella, Nick, Kevin and Joe) You don't get to be head of the #1 JONAS fan club, without knowing how to deal with gossip.
Where did we go wrong, professor?
To get Fiona Skye to leave you alone, you tried to make yourself less attractive.
Joe
So?
There is absolutely no way you could make yourself less attractive.
Joe
Told you. (hits Kevin)
What you need to do is make the sites and mags believe that you've found someone more attractive than Fiona. "Joe Dumps Fiona For Mystery Girl."
Yeah, well, you're going to need pictures.
That means we'll need a mystery girl.
We can put Nick in a wig and a dress.
Um, you're probably right. That's more publicity than we're looking for. Um, there's gotta be somebody. (he, Joe, Nick, Macy and Stella are thinking then he, Joe, Nick and Macy have found the mystery girl)
(she is taking pictures of Joe and Stella at the bedroom while Kevin is holding the fan and Nick is holding the lamp) Great, now take her hand. (Joe takes Stella's hand)
Joe
What do you want me to do with it? (asks Macy)
(walks to Joe and Stella) Hold it. Now, look at her like you're in love.
Is that your in-love face or did you just eat a bad taco?
(takes more pics) Okay, moving on. (Joe and Stella are wearing winter clothes and they are holding ski equipment) Now you're skiing down a big hill. (Kevin throws snow at Stella) Smile. The wind is your face. All right, now swoosh to a stop. Okay, now a big hug.(Kevin is throwing snow then Joe and Stella begin to hug) A-all right. (Joe and Stella continue to to hug) Well, hug high and his arm. Uh, no-- you're getting a little tangled there. (sighs) (takes one last pic and Kevin is next to her) (Now gaze into each other's eyes. And closer. And closer. And closer. Now kiss her! (tells Joe to kiss Stella)
JSJoe and Stella
I'm done. (they walk away from each other then Macy stops taking pictures)
Joe
What's this? (Nick hands him and Kevin the lyrics of the song then Kevin looks at it)
It's the lyrics for the new song we're recording on Saturday. Learn it, (he tosses the lyrics but Joe tries to catch them and Kevin catches them) live it, love it, but mostly learn it.
Joe
Recording on a Saturday? When was the last time we did anything normal on a weekend?
Yeah, I just want to go hang out at the mall.
Exactly. Wait, I don't wanna hang out at the mall.
Joe
Me neither.
Joe
Abby, save some for the fish. (Abby hands him the bag of chips and he reads it) "Captain Salty's Sea Salt'N'Vinegar Thick-Cut Salt Chips. Now With Extra Sea Salt." Oh, Got it.
finished drinking) Ah. Mmm. It's all yours!
Joe
Thanks.
I think my hair is stuck.
Joe
It's the fire alarm.
Joe
Let me just help you out. (helping Abby free her hair)
(screams softly) Ow. (her hair is free from the fire alarm) (fire alarm goes off)
Joe
Oops. False alarm! Everybody just stay calm!
(walks down the steps while carrying a lunch lady to the hallway after realizing there's a fire drill happening) Fire! Fire! Go!
Save yourselves! (shouting) (he walks down to the hallway while still carrying the lunch lady but Joe and Abby see Kevin walking to the exit while holding the lunch lady) (Joe and Abby try to stop the fire alarm but they are unable to stop it from ringing)
(walks to Joe and Abby) Somebody care to explain what happened?
My hair got stuck-- (tells Mrs. Snart)
SMrs. Snart
I've heard enough! (gives Abby a detention slip)
Detention?! That is so not fair!
Joe
You can't give her detention. It was an accident. Besides, if anybody's fault, it's mine.
Oh, please, like I'm going to give a JONAS detention? My niece would kill me. Hey, Joe, can I get a quick photo? (Joe takes a photo with her)
Joe
Yeah, sure. (walks to Ms. Snart and she pulls him closer to her then she walks away) (Abby walks towards him and she is annoyed at him) Abby, I'm so sorry.
It must be nice to get away with everything just because you're famous.
Joe
We don't get away with everything. Ms. Snart's new here. Everyone else treats us like normal guys, regardless of our hotness, coolness and modesty. (chuckles)
(sighs) (rolls her eyes and starts to walk away from Joe)
Joe
Abby!
(grunts softly) (continues to walk away)
Joe
Abby!
Joe
(he is walking out of the classroom and enters the hallway to talk to Abby but she is ignoring him) Hey, Abby, wait up.
Joe
Abby, I need to talk to you. (Abby continues to walk away from Joe but he follows her around) Abby, I know you probably think you've got a really bad deal on detention. But if you please let me just explain, I'm sure you'll understand. (Abby walks to the elevator and she enters it then she pushes the button) Please. Abby. (the elevator doors are going to close) Hey, the doors are closing. Abby, the doors are-- Can you open the doors, please?
Jonas · 237 quotes
