TV show quotes
Jeeves, there's a dog in there!
That will be Rollo, sir. His Lordship [Wilmot Pershore] informed me that he purchased the animal from a Norwegian seaman.
He tried to bite me!
No doubt in time the creature will learn to distinguish your peculiar scent, sir.
What do you mean, "my peculiar scent"? Jeeves, I do not intend to hang about in my bedroom while life slips by, in the hope that one of these days some dratted animal will decide that I smell all right!
It's Bertie Wooster! Well, well, well!
Well, well, well, yourself, old fruit.
By the way, Jeeves, on no account do we agree to our staying here overnight.
Very good, sir. Might one inquire why?
Because, Jeeves, of all places on this great planet of ours, West Neck, Long Island, has been chosen to be the most unexciting. The last time anything remotely interesting happened here was in 1842, when a tree fell over. They still talk about it in the village.
[running toward Bertie with paper in hand] Listen to this! Just listen to this!
Wait a minute, wait a minute!
What?
Can't a chap hang up his hat before he's read to?
Good Lord, I'd have to dress for dinner every night! I won't do it. I can't do it! Do you realize, I don't usually get out of my pajamas till five in the afternoon, and then I just put on a sweater, like this?
Don't listen, Jeeves.
Jeeves moans
Jeeves?
Jeeves, in anguish, sits on a nearby tree stump, face cupped in hands
I'm sorry, Jeeves, you shouldn't have heard that. [pats Jeeves on the shoulder]
[recomposing himself] I shall be better directly, sir.
in the stairwell of a New York City apartment building
Good afternoon, madam.
[holding the handle of a mop] Don't you "good afternoon" me, I'm a respectable woman.
I have no reason to doubt it, madam. We are calling upon Mr. Bickersteth.
Next floor up. [as Jeeves and Bertie resume climbing the stairs] Hey, big fella. [Jeeves turns around] You're kinda cute, the way you talk.
Madam is too kind.
If you wanna come up and split a beer anytime...
Well, I shall certainly bear your generous invitation in mind if I am in the vicinity. Good afternoon, madam. [tips his hat, and he and Bertie hurry up the stairs]
You seem to have made a bit of a conquest there, Jeeves.
Thank you, sir.
at a New York City diner
One burger medium, one rare, and one ham and eggs over easy. [to Jeeves] You wanna shake with that?
Thank you, no, I shall, er, just sit here quietly, I think.
[to Bertie] Is he being funny?
No, he always talks like that. [to Jeeves] She means do you want a milkshake, Jeeves.
Oh! Thank you, no. A cup of coffee, if you please.
You got it. [walks away]
[looking around] Don't think I have....
Say. You're pretty cute, you know that?
Thank you. So I have been informed.
Jeeves, you seem to have a fatal fascination for the women of this country.
Yes, it is a problem, sir.
There's no chance of your switching it off, or something, I suppose?
I regret not, sir. I have to learn to bear it.
As do the rest of us, Jeeves.
Good morning, sir.
I have the distinct feeling that I have only been asleep for ten minutes, Jeeves. What time is it?
Seven o'clock, sir.
Seven o'clock?! Did I ask to be wakened three and a half hours before breakfast?
Well, can't Jeeves think of anything?
He just hangs around saying, [imitating Jeeves] "most disturbing, sir." Fat lot of good that does.
[to the "Boost for Birdsburg" conventioneers] Will it redound to the good name of Birdsburg, gentlemen, if it is printed in every newspaper in the land that you, the town's representatives, were mousetrapped by a pair of suede-shoe feather merchants?
[On casting the role of the butler in the play Ask Dad!]
Now look, I know it's a small part, but we're really looking for an Englishman to play it.
No, I played Brutus at school once, and I was the one everybody stabbed.
It's always a pleasure to meet another jute man. I love jute. You see this model of a yellow-bellied sapsucker? Made entirely from jute.
[softly] Good Lord. Huh!
This entire edifice you see around you... built on jute!
Really? [stomps on floor, testing its durability, as he looks around room] Pretty useful stuff, then.
I am familiar with the name Bassington-Bassington, sir. There are the Shropshire Bassington-Bassingtons, the Hampshire Bassington-Bassingtons, and of course the Kent Bassington-Bassingtons.
Ah. So the world's pretty well stocked up on Bassington-Bassingtons, then?
Tolerably so, sir.
No chance of a sudden shortage, I mean, huh?
Presumably not, sir.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Jeeves and Wooster pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
