Jeeves and Wooster quotes

Bertie Wooster

Well, we're off on our travels, Jeeves. Blasted tricky business, what they call "hunting" in these parts; they do it without horses. Managed to wing a forest ranger the other day, however. The show's a sellout everywhere. My log cabin marked with an X. [...] Westward, ever westward, Jeeves. We're all having a whale of a time, especially Cyril Bassington-Bassington. My sleeping-car marked with an X.... Show doing famously, Jeeves. I must say the horses out here are rather excitable. The local lads are pretty excitable, too. I've had to buy a few new clothes, I'm afraid, but I'm sure you'll approve. My bunkhouse marked with an X. [...] This card shows a picture of the Rockies, Jeeves. They're mountains, as you can see. And dashed rocky they are, too. My rock marked with an X.... This is the life, Jeeves. Not a fish in sight and boots slowly filling with ice water. I did catch a couple of trout the other day. One of them looked exactly like Oofy Prosser. Don't suppose the Oofys hail from Montana, do you? My teepee marked with an X.... I've now seen Ask Dad! six billion and blasted two times, Jeeves — or is it six billion and blasted three? — and still no blasted sign of a blasted Broadway theater. My seat in the blasted orchestra stalls marked with a blasted X. [...] P.S.: I really think I might leave the show and totter home soon.

Bertie Wooster

Well, what do you think?

Jeeves

I only hope the poor creature died a peaceful death, sir.

Bertie Wooster

What? Oh, the coat, yes. It is rather snazzy, isn't it? No, I was referring to the moustache, the old soup strainer.

Jeeves

Very striking, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Rather Ronald Colman, I thought.

Jeeves

It was Lord Kitchener who sprang to mind on first sighting, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Blast it, Jeeves! I shall do what I like with my own upper lip.

Bertie Wooster

You know, Jeeves, in spite of the fact that we're being dragged back to Dear Old Blighty under somewhat ignominious circumstances by an enraged aunt, I shan't be sorry to go.

Jeeves

No indeed, sir. It will be a pleasure to be home.

Bertie Wooster

You see the ghastly position, Jeeves? What is going to happen when Gussie doesn't turn up at Deverill Hall? Madeline will make inquiries. You know what women are like for digging out the truth. And nothing puts an idealistic young girl off a fellow more than the news that he's doing fourteen days in chokey.

Jeeves

A very acute observation, sir.

Bertie Wooster

There can be but one result. Gussie will get the bum's rush, and the bowed figure you will see shambling down the aisle at Madeline Bassett's side, while the organ plays "The Voice That Breathed O'er Eden," will be Bertram Wilberforce Wooster.

Well, I don't see why.

Bertie Wooster

[sighs] Madeline Bassett labors under the delusion that I'm madly in love with her. Well, when a girl thinks you're in love with her and comes to you and says that she's returning her betrothed to store and is prepared to sign up with you instead, what can you do except marry her? One has to be civil.

Jeeves

[clears his throat] There is one possible solution, sir.

Bertie Wooster

[to Catsmeat] You see? "There is one possible solution, sir" — just like that. For your information, Catsmeat, Jeeves takes a size 14 hat, eats tons of fish and moves in mysterious ways, his wonders to perform. [to Jeeves] Speak, Jeeves.

Bertie Wooster

You can't go around London asking people to pretend to be Gussie Fink-Nottle! Well, yes, you can, I suppose, but what a hell of a life.

Bertie Wooster

Jeeves, how could I ever doubt you?

Jeeves

I could not say, sir.

Bertie Wooster

What's all this about you not writing to Madeline?

Gussie Fink-Nottle

Madeline?

Bertie Wooster

Madeline! Do you realize she's started sending telegrams about it? For all our sakes, Gussie, write to her!

Gussie Fink-Nottle

I am not at all pleased with Madeline. It was she who made me come to this ghastly place. I only consented on the understanding that she'd come too. Then, at the last moment, she coolly backed out on the flimsy plea that some school friend of hers needs her. She must be made to realize she can't do that sort of thing. So I'm not going to write to her. It's a sort of a system.

Bertie Wooster

Gussie, for the last time, will you or will you not immediately compose an eight-page letter breathing love in every syllable and post it to Madeline?

Gussie Fink-Nottle

Not!

Bertie Wooster

Jeeves, I'm sunk!

Jeeves

Well, sir, if Mr. Fink-Nottle will not write to Miss Bassett, perhaps you might write to her yourself.

Bertie Wooster

But she doesn't want to hear from me, Jeeves, she wants to hear from Gussie.

Jeeves

If it were indicated to Miss Bassett that Mr. Fink-Nottle had sprained his wrist and had to dictate a letter to you, sir...

I say, what a wheeze! You were right about him, Bertie.

Jeeves

Thank you, sir. [to Bertie] If you were to say that Mr. Fink-Nottle had given his wrist a nasty wrench while stopping a runaway horse and saving a little child from a hideous death, it might turn Mr. Fink-Nottle's taciturnity to your advantage, sir. A golden-haired child is usually best in such circumstances.

Gussie Fink-Nottle

[playing the piano and singing horribly off-key while lisping] How do you feel / When you marry your ideal? / Ever tho goothey, goothey, goothey, goothey...

Bertie Wooster

You know, Jeeves, if someone were to come to me and ask if I'd be willing to join a society whose aim will be the suppression of aunts — or who will at least see to it that they are kept on a short chain and not permitted to roam at will, scattering desolation on all sides — I'd reply "Wilbraham" — if his name was Wilbraham, that is — "Wilbraham, put me down as a foundation member."

Jeeves

I'm sure such a society would not be lacking for subscribers, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Observe the time, Jeeves?

Jeeves

Yes indeed, sir, not yet half past three.

Bertie Wooster

Yes, perhaps you think it odd that I'm back from lunch at this unfashionably early hour.

Jeeves

It did occur to me to wonder, sir, whether there had been a conflagration at the Drones Club.

Bertie Wooster

Apparently that's what the song's all about. So on Barmy's recommendation, I rushed out and bought a copy. I now intend to give it a bit of a run-through on the piano.

Jeeves

Is that wise, sir, so soon after a heavy meal?

Bertie Wooster

I shall ignore that cheap gibe, Jeeves.

Bertie Wooster

Were there any messages?

Jeeves

Just one, sir. Lady Florence Craye telephoned. She will be calling on you shortly.

Bertie Wooster

[gaping] Lady — F-Florence Craye? Good heavens.... Well, well, well.... Good, well. [leaves kitchen, then comes back in] Ah, Jeeves! Still, uh, still there, are you?

Jeeves

Yes, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Jeeves, there was — there was a book on the little table thing by the sofa.

Jeeves

Was it entitled Strength Through Willpower, by Lady Florence Craye, sir?

Bertie Wooster

That's the one, Jeeves.

Jeeves

I placed it by your bedside, sir. I took the liberty of glancing through the volume and thought it might make an excellent remedy for insomnia. Would you like me to get it, sir?

Bertie Wooster

No, no, no, I'll — I'll get it, Jeeves. Just thought I'd leave it casually lying about, as she gave it to me, you see. Trying to improve my mind, I dare say.

Jeeves

That seems scarcely possible, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Yes, Lord Worplesden's place.

Jeeves

Yes, sir. Lady Florence Craye's father.

Bertie Wooster

Yes. Yes, absolutely. Well [coughs nervously] anyway ... we're engaged. Just thought I'd ... I'd let you know. To Lady Florence, that is, not her father.

Jeeves

Let me be the first to congratulate you, sir.

Bertie Wooster

You ... you don't disapprove, Jeeves?

Jeeves

It is hardly my place to say, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Well, I know that it is hardly your place to say, Jeeves. Doesn't normally stop you.