JWJ. Washburn Stoker
If you think I'm going to let my daughter marry a man who consorts with common criminals, you do not know the middle west of America!
S2 E5Kidnapped!
Feminine psychology is admittedly odd, sir. The poet Pope made frequent re—
Oh, never mind about the poet Pope, Jeeves.
No, sir.
There are times when one wants to hear all about the poet Pope and times when one doesn't.
Very true, sir.
MMagistrate
These are serious charges. But I'm inclined to believe that you, Alfred Trotsky, and you, Frederick Aloisius Lenin, were led astray. You are discharged. But as for the rest of you — Boko Disraeli, Oofy Lloyd George, Barmy Lord Tennyson and the rest — not only have you been guilty of a breach of the peace of considerable magnitude, I also strongly suspect that you have given false names and addresses! You are each fined the sum of five pounds.
I say!
MMagistrate
Quiet, Dr. Crippen!
S2 E6Jeeves the Matchmaker
[Tuppy, speaking of a rift in his relationship with Angela Travers]
You know she has given me the push!
No!
She has! Simply because I was man enough to speak out candidly on the subject of a ghastly hat she was chump enough to buy. Fwuh!
What do you mean, fwuh?
All I said was, it made her look like a raccoon peering out from underneath a flower pot. Which it did.
Yes, well they're not all too keen on fearless honesty, I find.
Well, your cousin Angela certainly isn't.
Not about hats, anyway.
You know that play — oh, what was its dashed name — the one I saw last night.
No, sir.
It's on at the whatcha-call-it. Anyway, the hero's a chap who is buzzing along through life, you know, quite merry and bright, apart from his gammy leg from the war. And all of a sudden, this kid turns up, and says that she's his daughter ... left over from act one. And it's absolutely the first he's ever heard of it! So obviously, there's a bit of a fuss, and they say to him what ho, and he says what ho. And ... anyway, he takes the kid, and they go off together, out into the world!
Very inspiring, sir.
Yes well, I thought so, yes.
I mean to say, Jeeves — if a girl can't, in the course of ordinary everyday conversation, tell a chap to go and boil his head without said chap turning to the arms of another, well, I mean, where are we, Jeeves?
Where indeed, sir.
[Jeeves is in the kitchen recovering from a momentary panic attack]
What on earth's the matter, Jeeves? Jeeves?
[coughs] I apologize, sir. It was unforgivable of me. I shall be better directly. It's just... Mr. Little's tie, sir. It has... little horseshoes on it, sir.
Oh yes, yes, I noticed that.
It's sometimes difficult just to shrug these things off, sir.
This may well be it, Jeeves.
"It," sir?
Pitching the woo, Jeeves. Not to rule out popping the question. The lights will be low, the wine will be flowing...
I'm sure I wish you every good fortune, sir. I only hope that the dog will not impede your endeavors.
Patrick? Patrick will be warmly ensconced in your room, Jeeves.
It is, if you recall, sir, my evening off. I had promised myself a quiet evening with an improving book.
Can't you spend an evening with an improving dog?
BWBobbie Wickham
First you need a good long piece of string. You know what string is, don't you?
Certainly, as in string.
[Bertie tries to address a girls' school as the students keep making faces at him]
Er, right, yes! Er, well. Erm... oh, ah, yes! Now! Here's something that's often done me a bit of good, er, and it's something that not many people know. [the girls begin making faces again, and he pauses in confusion] Ah, yes, well, anyway. Erm — my uncle Henry gave me the tip when I first came to London. Er, "Never forget, my boy," he said, "that — er — that if you stand outside Romano's in the Strand, you can see the clock on the wall of the law courts down in Fleet Street." Now most people don't know this, wouldn't think it was possible, because there are a couple of hefty-looking churches in the middle of the road, and, er, you'd think they'd get in the way, but they don't! You can! And, er, it's, well, it's worth knowing. You can win a lot of money, he used to say, by betting on it with fellows who... who... who haven't found it out. [laughs nervously] And, by Jove, he was absolutely right. It-it really is a... a thing to remember. Yes, many's the quid I've won...
HHeadmistress
[clears her throat loudly] Perhaps, Mr. Wooster, a story might be in order, some anecdote to illustrate the benefits of hard work, study, and healthy living?
A story! Right. Erm... never can remember stories. Oh! Yes, yes, here's one I heard recently. [laughs to himself] Erm... It seems that there was this chorus girl [the girls burst out laughing], and she met this stockbroker. And he said to her...
Am I wrong in thinking that all little girls are hard-bitten thugs of the worst description?
Your definition is sadly near the truth, sir.
S3 E1Bertie Sets Sail
SSShip's captain
[reacting to soup splashed on his uniform from a dinner roll that Tuppy tossed to draw Bertie's attention] This is not the sort of behavior we allow on this ship!
[to Bertie, who's standing next to the captain] Who's the chap in the fancy dress?
He's the captain. Nice fellow. Speaks very good French.
[to the captain, with affected upper-class accent] Eh, look, I'm terribly sorry, señor. Quel fromage and all that. [to Bertie, apparently not registering that the captain also speaks English] That'll hold him. They love it when you speak the old lingo.
[the captain glares at Tuppy]
You've heard of limpets, Jeeves?
The gastropod mollusc of the genus Patella noted for adhering tightly to rocks, sir?
Exactly, Jeeves. Well, this blasted Pershore seems to be noted for adhering tightly to Woosters. Can't get rid of the blighter. Just as I'm about to click with some toothsome filly, up pops Motty Pershore to enliven proceedings by standing at my elbow like a wet weekend at Chalfont St. Giles.
[seeing the Statue of Liberty for the first time]
She's a fair size, Jeeves.
Indeed, sir.
Puts one in mind of Honoria Glossop in that white dress she used to wear at hunt balls.
The similarity is a striking one, sir.
Now, Jeeves, why do you think they built all these tall buildings?
Well, sir, it was partly because of the restricted size of Manhattan Island and partly because the island is solid granite and therefore capable of supporting such structures.
Nothing to do with having got the plans sideways, then.
No, sir.
That's what Barmy told me.
You will pardon me for saying so, sir, but Mr. Fotheringay-Phipps is not noted for his architectural expertise.
You, er, ate something last night that disagreed with you, did you?
WPWilmot Pershore
No. Nothing of the kind. I drank too much. Much too much. Lots and lots too much. And what's more, I'm going to do it again! I'm going to do it every night!
Yes, well... yes, right. You see, the thing is, Motty — I'm sort of responsible for you, so to speak, and if you carry on like this I'm liable to end up neck-deep in the soup with your mother.
WPWilmot Pershore
Well, I can't help your troubles, old thing. This is the first time in my life I've had the chance to yield to the temptations of a great city.
Well, yes, but Motty—
WPWilmot Pershore
No, old thing. All my bally life I've been cooped up in the ancestral home in Much Middlefold in Shropshire. And until you've been cooped up in Much Middlefold in Shropshire, you don't know what cooping is. This is my only chance to assemble a disreputable past, and I'm going to take it!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Jeeves and Wooster pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.