Jeeves and Wooster quotes

[to the police officer] And stand up straight! Is that the way they teach you to stand at the police force nowadays?

Bertie Wooster

Is there anything I can do, Aunt Agatha?

Yes, there is. You can leave. I have enough to bear without your imbecilities. [to the officer] Your chief constable should hear of this. What is your name?

Bertie Wooster

I think there's something the matter with that girl, Auntie. Isn't she crying or something?

Remorse! She stole my pearls! [to the officer] Do you refuse to give me your name?

Bertie Wooster

Pearls? Well, that's a coincidence. These aren't the little chaps, are they? [holding them up]

Oh, no, of course not — [catching sight of them] Wh-where did—?

Bertie Wooster

I got them from your friends the Hemmingways.

The Hemmingways? The Hemmingways?! Well, how did they come into the possession of the Hemmingways?

Bertie Wooster

Because they jolly well stole them, that's how! That's what they do for a living! They are jewel thieves!

No, no, no, no, no, no—

Bertie Wooster

Yes, yes, aged A! I mean, I don't want to rub it in, but you do realize that if you had succeeded in getting me to marry that girl, then I should most probably have had children who'd have sneaked my watch while I was dandling them on my knee!

Oh, Bertie, dear, you—

Bertie Wooster

Now I'm not a complaining sort of chap, as a rule, but I must say that in future, you might be just a little bit more careful how you go about egging me on to marry females! [hands her the pearls and walks out, then does a dance in the hall]

Bertie Wooster

It's Biffy, isn't it? What have you got against old Biffy?

Jeeves

I'm sure Mr. Biffen has many fine qualities, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Oh, very well, then. If you're not going to chip in and save a fellow creature, I suppose I can't make you. You're going to look pretty silly, though, when I get old Biffy out of the soup without your assistance.

Jeeves

I shall try to bear up under the shame of it, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Yes, well.... Right, well, I'm going back into that sitting room now, Jeeves, and I'm going to put in some pretty tense thinking.

Jeeves

Very good, sir. Shall I wake you at six, sir?

Bertie Wooster

Er yes, tha— [turning suddenly] NO, NO, Jeeves! There will be no need! The brain will be racing.

Jeeves

[in disbelief] As you say, sir.

Are you a theater lover, Mr. Wooster?

Bertie Wooster

Oh, rather!

One of my most treasured memories is of Irving playing Hamlet at the Lyceum.

Bertie Wooster

Really? Who won? [guffaws]

Bertie Wooster

Was that the doorbell, Jeeves?

Jeeves

It certainly gave that impression, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Who could that be at this time of night?

Jeeves

I shall endeavor to ascertain, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Well, let me tell you, Mr. Mangelhoffer, that the man that hath no music in himself is fit for... hang on a minute. [goes into the other room, where Jeeves is peeling potatoes] Jeeves, what was it Shakespeare said the man that hadn't music in himself was fit for?

Jeeves

Treasons, stratagems, and spoils, sir.

Bertie Wooster

[returning] Treasons, stratagems, and spoils.

What?

Bertie Wooster

That's what he's fit for, the man that hath no music in himself.

Bertie Wooster

Jeeves, unpleasantness has reared its ugly head in the West 1 postal district.

And this is my friend Bertie Wooster.

[frowning] Wooster!

[smiling] Well, well, well! Old Colonel Wooster in person. [walks over to Bertie]

Bertie Wooster

Oh, well, you know....

Well, sir, this has certainly made my day, you little blob of sunshine. [tweaks Bertie's cheek, then takes him by the arm] Isn't he looking lovely, Father?

Come away from that man, Pauline. That man is bad news!

Bertie Wooster

[referring to Marmaduke "Chuffy" Chuffnell] Well, no one would say that "Marmaduke" was a beautiful name, wantonly and without good reason.

[sighs] All right. Less of the Sherlock stuff. I'm not trying to hide anything.

Bertie Wooster

Uh-huh. And you love this, um — [chuckles] excuse me — this Marmaduke?

I'm dippy about him, Bertie. Don't you just worship the way his hair sort of fluffs up at the back?

Bertie Wooster

My dear girl, I have better things to do than go about staring at the back of Chuffy's head. The front's bad enough.

Bertie Wooster

Well, there's only one thing for it, Jeeves: Chuffy must be shoved over the brink.

Jeeves

I do not quite follow you, sir.

Bertie Wooster

What he needs is a jolt. If he thought that there was a grave danger of some other bloke scooping her up, well, wouldn't that make him forget those dashed silly ideas of his and charge ahead, breathing fire through the nostrils?

Jeeves

Jealousy is undoubtedly a powerful motivating energy, sir.

Bertie Wooster

And what about the oof situation?

The what?

Bertie Wooster

The oof, the dibs, the do-re-mi, the happy cabbage, the oil of palm.

Yes, yes, I do speak English.

She must have had a wonderful time being engaged to you. What on earth made her accept you, I wonder.

Bertie Wooster

Do you know, I once consulted a knowledgeable pal, and his theory was that the sight of me hanging around like a loony sheep awoke the maternal instinct in woman. There may be something in this.

Bertie Wooster

I blame you for this, Jeeves.

Jeeves

With respect, sir, I merely intended Mr. Stoker to discover his daughter at your cottage. So strongly does he disapprove of you that I expected him to look more kindly on Miss Stoker's putative engagement to Lord Chuffnell. The fact that His Lordship should also discover her here, and in mortal peril, was, as the Americans say, pure gravy.

Bertie Wooster

Save the congratulations for later, Jeeves, but as the French might say, it is dans le sac.

What had you done to those people, Bertie?

Bertie Wooster

I was once engaged to their daughter.

Ah.

Jeeves

Foreign travel often liberates emotions best kept in check, sir, and the air of North America is notoriously stimulating in this regard, as witness the regrettable behavior of its inhabitants in 1776.

Bertie Wooster

What happened in 1776, Jeeves?

Jeeves

I prefer not to dwell on it, if it's convenient to you, sir.