Major Lilywhite quotes from IZombie

Ravi Chakrabarti

Is that gonna be weird for you, by the way? You being Liv's ex-fiance?

Major Lilywhite

Yeah. No?

Ravi Chakrabarti

Are you sure? It seems like you're a little off about it. Like that "no" kind of had a question mark at the end.

Major Lilywhite

I'm pretty sure I'm okay with it.

Ravi Chakrabarti

Okay. Good?

Ravi Chakrabarti

[sewing stitches] Easy. You're lucky you're not dead. Although, if you were, this would come much more naturally to me.

Major Lilywhite

You know what you're doing, right?

Ravi Chakrabarti

I mean, theoretically. Sure. But did you consider a trip to the ER?

Major Lilywhite

I'm a social worker. My insurance covers, like, one Band-Aid a year.

Liv Moore

[entering] Major? What the hell?

Ravi Chakrabarti

It's nothing.

Liv Moore

Those are y-incision stitches. They need to be closer together, unless you're going for that Frankenstein look.

Ravi Chakrabarti

The man's too good-looking. I'm giving him character.

Now, answer me straight, or I'm gonna take you on a guided tour through a world of pain.

Major Lilywhite

I don't know anything!

Ahh. Then I guess it's all aboard the pain train. First stop, Hand Francisco.

Major Lilywhite

You want to feel better about your mental health? Spend a couple days with some clinically insane people.

Peyton Charles

I do it every Thanksgiving.

Liv Moore

Careful! Don't open yourself up to the classic reverse Sicilian gambit. That's a chess thing, right?

Major Lilywhite

Sounds more like something a call girl would make you pay extra for.

Blaine DeBeers

[to Major in the deep freeze] This has got to suck. So I've been doing a bit of online research trying to figure out how long you'll survive in here before body parts start falling off, and guess what I discovered? Most of the pertinent data comes courtesy of the Nazis. Yeah. Those Nazis. Great minds, huh? They wanted to know if there was something in Russian genetics that allowed those commie bastards to survive Stalingrad winters. Spoiler alert, there wasn't. Turns out we all freeze to death roughly the same way. But I digress. The point is, they kept meticulous notes. And thanks to those notes, I can keep you in here alive and suffering as long as I want. As long as it takes to get the information I need.

Major Lilywhite

[shivering] Why are you doing this?

Blaine DeBeers

Daddy issues. Megalomania. Greed. Wow, that felt really good to get off my chest.

Vaughn Du Clark

Zombies don't deserve our mercy, so just put that thought out of your head. [Du Clark chuckles before exhaling] How to explain? I love submarine movies. Big fan. And there's always this moment... It's the moment where the sub is torpedoed, and the compartment is flooding, and the captain's gotta give the order to, 'seal it up,' even though he still knows that there are men still alive in there. Cut to the sailor who receives that order. Tears in his eyes, closing that hatch on his comrades. The man that closes that hatch is a hero, isn't he? [the scene cuts to showing a man be attacked in his own home] But we are both doing what needs to be done. We are saving lives. There are zombies living among us. And they are feasting on human brains. Where do they get these brains? Who knows? But don't you think it's a good idea to put an end to it? Sure, they look like us, they sound like us, but if you think about them as brain-eating atomic bombs, you'll sleep like a baby.

Major Lilywhite

You've got the wrong man for the job.

Liv Moore

I’m on frat boy brains at the moment, and everything’s getting filtered through the bro-zone layer.

Major Lilywhite

[Major chuckles] I'm on frat boy brains. 'No big whoop.' Just like you're doing a cleanse. Eating dead people brains.

Liv Moore

It's just a fact of my life right now. Look past it, please. I wanna catch up.

Major Lilywhite

Sorry, bro. No can do.

Liv Moore

From the moment that I met you I knew that we were meant to be together. I was sure of it. It was like fate. But that was before I witnessed a mass murder. Before I'd eaten fresh brain, before I'd lied to you, or let you put yourself in a mental hospital. It was before I watched you die. And it was before all of this cruelty was directed back at me. Now, I don't think space can fix what's wrong with us. We're a dream that's dead. I doubt that I will ever stop loving you, but it's over now. I gotta let you go. Completely. Forever.

Major Lilywhite

[Without any emotion, Major replies] Perfect. Uh, thanks for stopping by.

Liv Moore

Hey! Stop! I'm coming here like and adult, trying to talk to you. How can you be this cold to me?

Major Lilywhite

Who exactly am I being cold to? Huh? Uh, who-whose brain did you eat this week?

Liv Moore

Oh, this is all me! And in case you've forgotten, I didn't ask for this. I went to a party because you told me I should. I woke up on a shore craving brains. And next thing I know, I've cracked this corpse's head open... How could I bring that home to you? How could I be your wife? I had become a monster. And I was confused, and I was dangerous. Every decision that I made last year, I made trying to protect you from my new reality. I-I know that in your eyes I screwed up badly along the line, but I did the best I could.

Major Lilywhite

You know, I just... I keep asking you for some space, and every time I turn around, here you are.

Liv Moore

[walks away but then pauses at the door] Why are you doing this?

Major Lilywhite

Doing what?

Liv Moore

Making me doubt the only thing in my life that I was sure was real.

Liv Moore

[narrating] Yeah, no kidding it'll make you crazy. You spend your life in a comfortable dream state believing in destiny. Then reality snaps you awake like a kick in the teeth. Bad things happen as often as good things. People who think they're meant to be together, aren't. Turns out we're nothing more than chemicals hurtling through space, haphazardly bouncing off each other [there's a knock on Liv's front door] [narrating] Feeling stupid we ever believed there was some grand plan.

Major Lilywhite

I need help.

Liv Moore

Do you have any open sores in your mouth?

Major Lilywhite

Sexy.

Liv Moore

[Liv and Major make out inside her doorway] What are we doing?

Major Lilywhite

Well, it's hard to put a label on it just yet. But I'll get back to you in a minute.

Liv Moore

We should stop. We don't know enough about how the zombie is transferred. All this kissing.

Major Lilywhite

[Major and Liv keep kissing] I've been kissed by Blonde Liv before. Still human.

Liv Moore

How hard have you been brushing your teeth.

Major Lilywhite

[Major wanting to keep kissing Liv] So hard.

Liv Moore

How are you feeling?

Major Lilywhite

[Major hears the blood pressure pump] Great. Who doesn't enjoy waking up to a beautiful woman cutting off his circulation?