iCarly quotes

Sam

Carly Shay?

Carly

Hi.

Sam

What do you want?

Carly

It's my fault you're in here.

Sam

YOU'RE the one who called the cops?! Dude, I swear to god when I get out of here...

Carly

No, you're in here 'cause I wished for Spencer to be normal.

Sam

Who's Spencer?

Carly

My brother. He made a magnetic tree that...

Sam

Dude, I barely know you.

Carly

You know me a lot. We were best friends 'till I made that stupid wish.

Sam

We were never friends. Just 'cause we used to go to the same school, that doesn't make you...

Carly

Okay. If we're not best friends, then, how would I know that you've slept with two different colored socks on your feet since you were little 'cause you think it's good luck? And how would I know that you're right-handed, but you punch harder with your left? And how would I know that your mom's foot has a tattoo on it?

Sam

A tattoo of what?

Carly

A foot.

Sam

How do you know my mom has a tattoo of a foot on her foot? How do you know all that stuff?

Carly

I told you, we're best friends.

Sam

What's my favorite color?

Carly

Brown.

Sam

Why?

Carly

It's the color of gravy.

Sam

What's my favorite junk food?

Carly

Fat cakes.

Sam

What's my favorite book?

Carly

Boogie Bear III: The Return of Boogie Bear.

Sam

What do I hate most?

Carly

People.

Sam

What do I wanna be when I grow up?

Carly

An invisible ninja.

Sam

...Wow...

Nevel

Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! La-de-da-li-de-dah!

Hello, Nevel.

Nevel

Good evening, Mrs. Benson.

Spencer

Carly, I think you better calm down.

Carly

I don't want to calm down!

She's crazy.

Carly

I heard that, Rona!

Can I get you some ibuprofen?

Carly

NO! (to Spencer) I just want you back! I want you the way you're supposed to be! I want you to make crazy sculptures, and to accidentally set stuff on fire, and to wear socks that light up. (to Mrs. Benson) And I want you to be single and lonely again! (to Nevel) And I want you to leave the country... (to Rona) And...nobody even likes you! (to Spencer) And... I want Sam back! (to Freddie) And I want you to be my friend and say "in five, four, three, two," but not the one, which I never understood, but I liked it! And... I just want my life back! (runs upstairs crying)

Nevel

Well. Bah, humbug.

Freddie

Oh, there you are. Hey, did you check out that video I sent the guy can fit a whole grapefruit... Hey. Hey, are you crying?

Carly

Just leave me alone.

Carly

Thanks, Mitch.

Thank you.

Carly

Why thank me?

'Cause, if it wasn't for you, I would have never gotten my wings. (the computer screen shifts down to show a plate of chicken wings)

Carly

...Chicken wings?

Merry Christmas, Carly.

Carly

Merry Christmas, Mitch.

Carly

You handcuffed her to Gibby?!

Freddie

She put a dead fish in my locker!

Sam

Gibby's WAY worse than a dead fish!

Gibby

My mom thinks I'm awesome!

Gibby

[screams and runs away after being handcuffed to Sam for an extended period of time]

Carly

Like Gibby's therapist didn't have enough to deal with!

A comedy no one wants to see! Kelly Cooper: Terrible Movie!

It's really bad!

Sam

[after Freddie shows himself to the audience] That was Freddie, who, last week, handcuffed me to a nerd. So now guess what?... [pause] Freddie's never kissed a girl. Never. Not once. I heard him say so myself and Carly's a witness. Okay, Later. [walks away]

Carly

[running after Sam] Sam! SAM! YOU JUST RUINED FREDDIE'S LIFE! [Freddie drops the camera he is holding.]

Spencer

What was that about?!

Gibby

Well, Carly said, "If Spencer tries to be lazy, throw a cup of water in his face to perk him up."

Spencer

Right. Well, THAT WAS HOT COFFEE!

Gibby

Oh, well can I have a cup of water?

Spencer

NO!

The important thing is to be proud of yourself. You need to face the world with shoulders cocked, and say, "I AM FREDDIE BENSON, AND I HAVE NEVER KISSED A GIRL!" [other students start laughing] Hey, there! Stop that! Stop laughing at this unfortunate misfit!

Carly

You are gonna start with building up some muscle.

Spencer

I have muscle.

Carly

Do you?

Spencer

Yes.

Carly

Then take off your shirt and jump up and down.

Spencer

I don't wanna.

Carly

Why not?

Spencer

'Cause I'll jiggle.

Sam

Hey, sorry I'm late!

Carly

[filling the bowl with meatballs without looking up] You're always late.

Sam

So? It's cool. The show doesn't start for 3 more minutes. Where's Fred-weird?

Carly

Freddie's not coming.

Sam

What? Okay, he stayed home from school all week, he missed two iCarly rehearsals, and now he's gonna miss the show? That's so unprofessional. [takes a bite out of a meatball and puts it back]

Carly

You really hurt him. Every time he leaves the house, he gets teased cause you told the whole world he's never kissed anyone. You know he won't even talk to his mom? He just sits on the fire escape, alone, 'cause he's too embarrassed to see anyone. [walks over to Freddie's tech cart] You, like, ruined his whole life, and you don't even care.

Sam

Alright. I'll go apologize.

Carly

It doesn't even matter if you apologize. Kids are still gonna give him a hard time, 'cause you can't take back what you said.

Sam

Look, I didn't m--

Carly

[interrupts Sam] You went too far this time! And you can't fix it. [phone beeps] We gotta start the show.

Sam

[depressed] Well how can I do the show now that you made me feel all depressed?

Carly

I dunno just get in front of the camera and do it. In 5-4-3-2--

Carly

And now, what you've all been waiting for...

Sam

Carly and I are about to have our very first...

MEATBALL WAR!

Sam

We got our slingshots.

Carly

And a hundred meatballs!

Sam

But, um... before we start our meatball war... I wanna say something. [stops music] On the last iCarly... I told you guys that Freddie never kissed anyone. And that was really personal, and I shouldn't have said it on the show. And for all you people out there who've been teasing Freddie about it, lay off, because I bet a whole lot of you haven't kissed anyone either; Including me. Yeah. That's right, I've never kissed anyone. So if you want to tease someone about it, tease me...which is a bad idea unless you live near a hospital!

Carly

Um, our meatball war will be happening soon, but for now, please enjoy this photo of a man with shrimp up his nose.

Freddie

[makes short laughing type noise]

Sam

What?

Freddie

Nothing it's--

Sam

Tell me!

Freddie

Nah, it's dumb.

Sam

Say it!

Freddie

Okay. I was gonna say...

Sam

That we should kiss?

Freddie

[looking down in embarrassment] You're going to break my arm now, right?

Sam

[shakes head] No.

Freddie

Well...should we? Just so both of us can get it over with?

Sam

Hm. Just to get it over with.

Freddie

Just to get it over with.

Sam

And you swear we both go right back to hating each other as soon as it's over with.

Freddie

Oh, totally, and we never tell anyone.

Sam

Never. [pause] Well, lean.