Tim Taylor quotes from Home Improvement

Tim

What I did was just downright rude. It would be like burping in public.

Well, you do that all the time.

Tim

But not with other women!

Tim

You had a bad day, we all have bad days.

Randy

There's a rumor going around that they're gonna make me a cheerleader.

Tim

Oh, no. Well, if that happens, make sure you get on the top of the pyramid. You don't wanna be on the bottom of that thing

[She and Tim are eating in a resturant, she notices a beautiful woman walk by and sit at the table behind Tim] Woah, baby! Bad news. This is not the night for you to give up looking at women.

Tim

Oh, and why is that, Jill?

Because this unbelievable young goddess just came in and sat right behind you.

Tim

Yeah, like I'm going to fall for that one. What is it, a 72-year old steel worker? "Hey Marge, they got no beer here!"

Not exactly, Tim.

Tim

Oh, so she's the "Va-Va, Voom" type?

Well, as a matter of fact, she's got great "Va-Va's" and a darn good "Voom."

When he was in that Christmas play, all the other kids just stood up on the stage, Randy... STOOD UP, ON THE STAGE!

Tim

Well, he gets that from you, honey. 'Cause you don't just burn meatloaf, you BURN MEATLOAF!

Mark

Do you have to go to the bathroom, Dad?

Tim

I don't think I'm EVER going to the bathroom again.

Mark

What happened?

Mark

What's that?

Tim

My very favorite muscle.

Tim

Is there anything you DON'T know, Wilson?

Wilson

I don't know.

Tim

You see, after thirteen years of marriage . . .

Fourteen!

Tim

[Catches Brad with the garden hose] What did I tell you about water balloons?

Brad

Fill 'em up real full so they bust on contact?

Tim

[Grins deviously] That's right!

Tim

If I ever said it was hard living with you, just say one word: Al.

It's that bad, huh?

Tim

His mother recorded his whole life on videotape. Last night, it was three hours of "Muskie Fishing with Uncle Phil." Did you know that in the seventh grade, he built a replica of the Washington Monument out of popsicle sticks?

Lots of kids do stuff like that.

Tim

It was life-size!

Tim

Al, you can't end it like this. We've had a relationship for three years.

Al

It's over between us.

Tim

Al, open the door.

Al

No! You should never have made that recording of me in bed!

Tim

What the hell are you wearing?

Al

Mo says sometimes I tend to blend into the background.

Tim

You're supposed to blend into the background!

Well, who the hell does she think she is?

Tim

Maureen Binford.

Wait a minute, is she the one that always comes to the Halloween party dressed as a hacksaw?

Tim

Yeah.

Little red-headed thing, about this big?

Tim

Yeah.

I can take her.

Tim

Why do you always bug me during the football game? Did I bug you during childbirth?

No, but you bugged me during conception.

Tim

All this week, Al and I will be doing our salute... [Tim and Al salute, following by sound of tools dropping] ...to toolboxes. You know, a well-organized toolbox says a lot about you as a man. [Al snickers as Tim sets his normal-sized toolbox next to Al's larger toolbox] What is it, Al?

Al

Uh...nothing, Tim.

Tim

What is it, Al?

Al

Well, I...I was just noticing how much bigger mine is.

Tim

You have to have a bigger toolbox to compensate for your teensy, weensy paycheck.

Al

No, Tim, I need a bigger toolbox because I'm your assistant, [opens toolbox] and I need to be ready for any of your particular needs.

Tim

Oh, yeah, he does. Ho ho ho ho ho. You're really shaping up around here, Al.

Al

Well, I have plenty of room in here for [pulls out the following] bandages, couple of ice packs.

Tim

Stop it, Al. Cut it out.

Al

Oh, tourniquet.

Tim

I hope you have a job application in there, Buddy!

Al

Crutches.

Tim

[bewildered] Huh?!

Al

IV unit.

Tim

There's a sign right there, what does it say?

"Welcome to...[glares at Tim] OHIO!"

Tim

...Well, we won't be needing that Michigan map now, do we?