Ric Griffin quotes from Holby City

Zubin

[reading from sheet] "Please speak the following healing affirmations into the patient's ear in a calm, relaxing voice." Hello, Monica. I am Two Trees Blowing In The Wind, your anaesthetist.

Ric

It doesn't say that.

Zubin

Your operation has gone well. When you wake, you will be comfortable and you will urinate easily.

Ric

It does say that.

Zubin

She's done her research. You will be hungry for - insert appropriate dietary requirements - and your body is now ready to complete the chain of healing. "Repeat the statement three times." Oh, I forgot a bit. And, Monica, when you wake up you will also believe that you're a giant talking rabbit.

Ric

Professor Khan!

Zubin

[throwing away sheet of affirmations in disgust] Well, it either works or it doesn't.

Ric

Dean, I think I might have found a new rotation for you.

What department?

Ric

Telephony.

Connie

I don't know how you work in this shoebox.

Ric

It's not so bad.

Connie

Really? By whose standards?

Ric

Well, you see, we leave our egos at the door - that way, there's more room.

Ric

You get into bed with Connie Beauchamp, you pay the price. Look at Sam.

Michael

Yeah but you and me ain't as dumb as Sam. Look all I'm saying is lets just do this one op with her, I'm not getting naked with her.

Donna

Who's getting naked with who?

Ric

Donna, we're changing.

Donna

I'm a nurse. Look, Sam, I need to find Mr Byrne urgently.

Sam

Have you tried Darwin...where he works?

Michael

Can we do anything to help?

Donna

No, you guys are my butlers, he said he'd be my auctioneer only now he's vanished.

Sam

I...don't think I agreed to be your butler.

Ric

I definitely didn't.

Donna

Well you guys got the email right?

Michael

What did I forget to RSVP?

Ric

You're not saying that Mr. Spence has found God?

Connie

No, Mr. Spence thinks he is God!

Lola

So you were faking it...

Ric

...And you were faking it. And fortunately Jayne Grayson was convinced enough to reach for her cheque book.

Lola

You could have told me.

Ric

No, it had to be the real deal.

Lola

"Plausible deniability", eh?

Ric

Something like that.

Lola

I really thought you'd sold out.

Ric

Lola, there must have been half-a-dozen times over the past twenty years when I would happily have seen you subjected to cruel and inhumane animal experimentation.

Lola

The feeling has been mutual.

Ric

But there comes a time when you realise that the things you have in common far outweigh the things that divide you. And that has to count for something. I couldn't let you get shafted by Jayne Grayson.

Jac

How long is Doctor Doughnut going to be with us?

Ric

Sacha? You got a problem with his work?

Jac

Yes - he doesn't seem to want to do any!

A sygmoidoscopy?

Ric

Yeah, it’s where we put a camera-

I know exactly what one is, you don’t think I got this far without having one?

Ric

It’ll help me find the cause of the bleed.

I’ll tell you the cause. I have a tumor the size of a puppy wedged in the middle of my giblets. That much I do know.

Ric

If I can find the cause of the bleed, then I might be able to do something about it.

I checked out of hospital, dodged hospice, hid away in a hotel suite, in order to avoid anything medical. You think I’m going to let you stick a scope up my sheriff’s badge? Jog on, Ric- what? What? What’s funny?

Ric

I’d forgotten just how funny you are.

And I'd forgotten what a stiff you are. Look: Whack me full of heavy duty morphine and stick me in a side ward. Please.

Ric

Nope. Not until I’ve conducted a thorough examination of your bowel.

God. You always were a silver-tongued bastard.

Zubin

For the first time ever, the NHS has more managers than beds. Did you know that?

Your point?

Zubin

I've got a rather revolutionary idea. You can take it to your next Trust meeting if you like. Get the managers down on all-fours, throw blankets over them - and hey presto!

Ric

To Helen Grant. People management. Not really your forté, is it?

Lola

As my grandma used to say, "If you look for a peck of trouble, don't gripe when you find a bushel."

Ric

[sarcastically] As ever, your grandma's wisdom astounds me.

Lola

As Grandma used to say, "All mouth and no trousers makes Jack a dull boy".

Ric

Is it possible your grandma was a little confused?