Abra Durant quotes from Holby City

Abra

I'm your new Diane!

Abra

Okay, so, this surgeon goes into a pub with a slab of tarmac under his arm, and says “Beer please, and one for the road.” …’Cause he’s got a bit of road.

Abra

We're honoured to have one of Ric's ex-wives here today - the lovely Lola - and I have a text from the others saying "Sorry we're late. Both minibuses broken down on the M4!"

Abra

This is Reg, our leech wrangler.

Eh, have a look at this little beauty.

I'm not letting that slimy thing anywhere near me.

Abra

I thought Reg was a bit of a looker, myself.

Where's my friend?

Abra

Lewis? I heard you sent him packing.

I did.

Abra

Ah! You thought he might stick around anyway.

[unconvincingly] No.

Abra

You girls - you never say what you want, and you never want what you say.

Abra

You're a fine surgeon, Mr Jordan. But you have the charm of a salt-encrusted slug.

I'll take that as a compliment.

Abra

I knew you would.

Abra

So…a Consultant, a Registrar, an SHO and a Scotsman go into a pub. And the barman says -

Kyla

- What is this, some kinda joke?

Abra

Ta da. Well that’s it, you’ve heard both my jokes now… So you’ll have to tell me one.

Kyla

Um. Well there was this surgeon, and there was this nurse.

Abra

And the surgeon, he’s, um, bit of an idiot, tells really bad jokes?

Kyla

They are pretty bad, yeah.

Abra

But the nurse… is really beautiful?

Kyla

I dunno about that.

Abra

Oh, I think so. What's the punch line?

Kyla

There isn’t one… Yet.

Diane

Did you know anything about this?

Abra

Mid-life crisis.

Diane

Huh! He usually gets married.

Abra

Well, this is probably cheaper!

Abra

I did an operation I shouldn’t have. I destroyed the notes…now I need to find some notes so that Clifford thinks everything was above board.

Kyla

What?

Abra

If I’m caught that’s me finished, no two ways about it, I’ll be struck off. Sued, jailed… probably a stint in the stocks as well.

Kyla

You killed someone?

Abra

Apparently worse. You know Pete Golding, we admitted this morning?

Kyla

Mm.

Abra

I gave him a pig’s kidney. To, ah, keep him alive and off dialysis.

Kyla

You did what?

Abra

You wanted to know.

Kyla

Are you insane? A pig’s kidney? A pig’s kidney, that’s -

Abra

- I had no alternative.

Kyla

How about not giving him a pig’s kidney?

Abra

What d'you suppose it is?

Donna

It's obvious, isn't it? It's an escargot.

The artist calls it "The Circle of Life". Made entirely of recycled materials. Appropriate, don't you think?

Come now, Doctor Griffin. It's well documented that art plays a crucial role in keeping patients calmer and more relaxed.

Lola

If I'd have known that, I'd have given out easels instead of drugs.

Donna

Still looks like a bloody snail to me.

Lola

I don't know about you, but I'd never trust a man who deals in scrap metal.

Abra

The punter… or do you prefer client?

I prefer patient.