BBellhop
We hope you're enjoying your executive suite featuring seventeen rare and priceless vases.
GGuy
Are those, by any chance, insured?
BBellhop
[laughing] No! They're rare and priceless!
S1 E2Car
BBellhop
Anyhoo, as a Quintuple Stainless Member, you are now entitled to a complimentary lullaby! So, if you'll just snuzzle yourself into bed and allow me to tuck you in...
GGuy
If you don't mind...
[He hurriedly pushes the bellhop away to stop him from seeing Mr. Jenkins, who is still causing havoc in his hotel room]
GGuy
... I sleep better standing up.
Mom, slow down!
Absolutely not! You never pick up hitchhikers on the side of the road, E.B., or anywhere else for that matter. [activates auto lock and E.B. turns off the auto lock]
But, Mom, look at him. The poor guy’s stranded. [Michellee reactivates auto lock and activates the auto lock-auto lock]
I will not look at him because taking my eyes of the road would make a dangerous situation even more dangerous, plus the tenor of his voice clearly indicates that he’s a deranged lunatic.
GGuy
I’m not.
Or a drifter hoping to make us pawns in his treacherous ruse.
GGuy
Also not.
And have you even considered the possibility that he’s a felon?
GGuy
I’m sorry, but if you’re passing on the whole giving me a ride thing, you mind finishing this out of my ear shot? Your judgments are very hurtful.
You’re right! That was insensitive of me. Anyway, good luck with the rest of your travel, Mr. Lunatic!
Mom, wait!
Buckle up your headbelt, sweetie. I’m kicking it into overdrive!
Mom, stop!
S1 E3Train
GGuy
Listen, Sam, it's time we went our separate ways. [turns around and finds that Sam is not there] Sam? Sam?
[from over at the station] Relax, best friend! I'm right here!
[With the weary resignation, Guy picks up the luggage and heads to the station where Sam is]
This guy. Already gone two seconds and he already misses me. Needy! [heads over to Guy] Here is your ticket and here is your change [presents Guy's wallet]
GGuy
That's my wallet.
I figured I deserved a ticket for saving your life. Good news! We've got seventy-seven bruckles left.
[Sam puts it into Guy's pocket. Guy, agitated, tries to swat Sam's arms away]
GGuy
We? There is no we.
[Guy shoves Sam's luggage into him and storms over to the train]
CConductor
ALL ABOARD!
This is so us.
GGuy
As soon as this train ride is over, we are going our separate ways forever. And we'd better not be sitting next to each other.
[giggling] I wouldn't dream of it.
[The scene cuts to Sam and Guy sitting on opposite seats. Guy looks fed up and uncomfortable]
Across is much better. This way we get to look right at each other when we chat.
[Guy quietly seethes while Sam gushes]
They say the eyes are the windows to the soul.
[Guy continues to glare at him]
And... there. I just saw your soul.
[Guy clutches his face and groans]
Well, I'll have the green eggs and ham. What do you say, Guy? Give 'em a try? You'd like 'em on a train.
GGuy
I would not like them on a train. [to waiter] Oat toast. Dry.
WWaiter
One Sad Man's Delight.
Green eggs and ham? Gross.
GGuy
[with cathartic enthusiasm] Yeah! [laughs triumphantly]
What?
GGuy
No, it's just, um, you're a smart child. You have life figured out. Trying new things is the road to disappointment. Let me explain. Let's say you try something new, you might not like it. Or worse, maybe you're allergic to it. You develop a rash. You keep scratching, and it keeps spreading, until eventually, you're more rash than person. People start to call you "rash girl" behind your back. Worst part is, you don't do anything to stop it, because deep down, you know you have become Rash Girl. All because you wanted to try something new.
Are you Rash Girl?
GGuy
[indicating furiously to E.B.] No! I was talking about her!
[whispering to E.B.] Pretty sure he's Rash Girl.
Where's your mom?
In the Boring Car, being boring. What are you doing up there?
Funny you should ask.
[Sam struggles to keep Mr. Jenkins on the roof of the train]
I'm, uh, sleepwalking! Wow! What a crazy dream this is! I am so not awake right now.
This Bar Car looks super fun!
[bracelets beeping]
Exactly. Stay close.
Like I have a choice.
Well, allow me to unstranger myself. I am Sam, Sam-I-Am. [Sam takes the menu away from Guy] This is my best friend in the whole world, Guy.
[Guy chuckles]
Hey, wait a minute. You’re that sad and dangerous inventor who wanted to strap explosives to my child’s back.
And the deranged lunatic from the side of the road.
[Sam giggles]
That’s him! And we are officially unstrangered.
I’m sorry about your death trap blowing up.
GGuy
Oh, it’s fine. I’m transitioning to Paint Watching. Safe, steady, suits me better.
Really? I classified you as a... well, a dangerous type.
GGuy
Oh, no, I’m safe. Dangerously safe.
But your travel buddy, Sam, he doesn’t seem safe.
GGuy
We’re not buddies, travel or otherwise. We just ended up sitting next to, or across from each other.
Oh.
GGuy
You and your daughter headed up to see Mr., uh, you?
[chuckles] There’s no Mr. Me.
GGuy
Oh.
I’m on a business trip. The SnerzDay Gala. Certainly couldn’t leave E.B. back in Glurfsburg. Not with that dangerous Chickeraffe on the loose.
GGuy
I... haven’t heard about that.
Oh! It’s really... It’s all over the news. Chickeraffe fever.
GGuy
What’s, uh, a, uh, chickeroo? [stammers] A chickera?
A Chickeraffe.
By the way, hope you don’t mind, I helped myself to your toothbrush. Well, our toothbrush, am I right?
GGuy
Our toothbrush? There is no our toothbrush. There is no our anything!
What do you mean? We’re a team. Dream team!
GGuy
Oh, I wish this was a dream. But you have turned my life into a nightmare. Because of you, I’m a felon, I nearly drowned, and you’ve stolen my wallet at least three times! Every moment, I’m with you is a disaster! [changes his pajama hat to his regular hat] So, I’m leaving. Now. Bye.
But... But!
[Guy shuts the door.]
Don't worry, big fella. He'll come back.
McWinkle: Good morning.
[Guy gasps in horror.]
You're going down, target!
GGuy
[terrified] NO, NO, NO, NO!!!
S1 E4Fox
GGuy
Love fails. Always. You get your hopes up, it seems wonderful and then... it blows up, right in your face. Boom! Same as everything else.
GGuy
Quick question: Shouldn't you know Chickeraffes can't fly, Mr. Wildlife Expert?
Biology isn't a science, Guy.
GGuy
You seem really bad at your job.
Why do you have a Chickeraffe?
GGuy
Well... It's an interesting story.
It really is. Plot twists for days. Binge-worthy.
Oh! I knew you were a dangerous man. [Guy nodding “no” in denial] I can’t believe you lied to me. Actually, I can. I just can’t believe I was stupid enough to trust you.
GGuy
We need to be efficient.
Got it. Get in, get out.
GGuy
Right.
And while we're at it, it wouldn't hurt to fry up a nice green egg or two.
GGuy
[reproachfully] Sam!
But have you ever had green eggs and ham with a fox? So good. They really know their eggs.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Green Eggs and Ham pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.