I choose Britannia when I fly.
Puppies and the Queen Mum make me cry.
SJSt John
I'm upper class 'cos I'm rich and fair.
And I wear ladies' underwear!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
MMother
Look, I'm a student. I'm balancing a traffic cone on my head.
SSon
That's not a traffic cone; it's a small aubergine.
MMother
Aubergine, traffic cone. I'm too drunk to tell the difference!
Not just prison; Parkhurst. My son has won a place at Parkhurst!
My son is so fertile that he doesn't have to be at home to impregnate his wife; he can do it from the office by e-mail.
So I hear your son is spending Divali at his house instead of visiting you. Very "modern".
No, no, no, no. You know, you really shouldn't listen to all the gossip you hear…down the docks. My son has a life of his own, you know.
Well, my son also has a wife and a family of his own, but he just prefers to spend the day with me.
Hmm, how very Oedipal of him.
Yes, my son is very Oedipal. In fact, he's much more Oedipal than your son!
I just hear that your son is living with his "girlfriend".
I'm surprised the news is being discussed down at the dog track.
Hmm, so, living with a woman and not married? Funny, I don't remember anything in the Gita about that one. Very New Labour. Very anti-fox-hunting.
Your information is incorrect, as per usual. My son is not living with his girlfriend; he is living with several girlfriends. My son is a stud!
So, your son hates you so much that he's leaving you to die of exposure?
No. My son knows how much I hate you, so he's letting you die of exposure in order to make me happy!
Well, my son is making me very happy by ensuring that you die a very horrible and slow and painful death, your breath freezing in your lungs until they are nothing but two useless…blocks of…ice!
My son will take great pleasure in knowing that bits of you will freeze solid and turn gangrenous and drop off, like leaves from a…overweight, badly-dressed tree!
You see, you have these English people sitting on the veranda's of their bungalow's. looking at the jungle, using their shampoo. And they talk about Western Civilisation! Rubbish!
SSon
(sighs with despair) Well, I don't think you can discount the whole of Western Civilisation just because they borrowed the word shampoo.
Ah, not just shampoo. Also conditioner.
What do you know? You think all we had in India was partition? Not true; we also had side-partition…
SSon
Look, will you just shut up about India! You're always banging on about how everything comes from India, it's all bullshit!
What?!
SSon
I said bull-shit!
Also Indian.
The fellow in this film, Kina Modha
SSon
(nonchalently) Clark Gable
Indian.
You know, like he said in that Richard the Third,'Now is the winter of our dicontent' (winter pronounced vinter). V-inter. See. Like Indian's pronounce. V.
SSon
Don't tell me Shakespeare was Indian!
Is the Pope Punjabi?
They all live in the same family house together – Indian. All work in the family business – Indian. All have arranged marriages – Indian. They all have sons; daughters no good – Indian. Children live with their parents until they are married – Indian!
They're all Indian! All except Prince Charles... He's African.
SSon
What?
If he was Indian, he'd have smaller ears!
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