[After Ernie rejects his attraction to Angie, hurting her feelings]
You have drooled over my wife every day since high school. Now, the one time I wanted you to tell her she's hot, YOU DON'T DO IT?!
I was trying not to stare! Not in this costume!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
George (to Angie): Did you and your mom have any unresolved conflicts?
I wish they were unresolved. Do you know what I said when I was on the phone with her last week? I told her I never forgave her for cheating on my dad. I called her a selfish tramp. That is the last thing I ever said to my mother.
Oh, I'm sorry, Angie. I didn't know that.
Angie (crying): I can never take it back. I can never tell her I'm sorry.
How many times has Carmen said she hated you?
Forty-seven.
You counted?
Yeah, it hurt.
Of all those times, did you ever feel that she stopped loving you?
No.
[to George] What were you gonna do with me when I die?
Pet cemetery!
Max (to George): What if I end up like Ernie?
A thousand things have to go wrong before you end up like Ernie.
(after Ernie's attempts to "seduce" the predator fails) Hey, man, don't worry. I'm sure somewhere... (starts laughing) I can't say it with a straight face. You got rejected by a sexual predator!
George (to Ruth about Benny): That's my mom. You may have heard of her. After her last confession, Father John was seen in the shower saying "I can't get clean. I can't get clean."
RRuth
You know what they say: "Chicken soup is a mother's penicillin."
When I was a kid, my mom's penicillin was: "Hey, fathead, walk it off."
I don't believe you. You framed him. Do you realize because of what you did, I hated men for twenty years?
Hated men? Not on Friday and Saturday nights! How dumb did you think I was, I knew there wasn't a ghost in your room! "Oooooooohhhh." No ghost calls out men's names!
Oh, now I get it! I never understood why a ghost would haunt for 10 minutes, go use your bathroom then haunt again.
Wayne was the best thing that's ever happened to me. I thought we were gonna get married. Why would you do something like this?
Wayne might've been great for you, but not for me.
Was he mean to you? Did he smack you around when I wasn't in the room? Because it's okay, I gave him permission to do that!
You couldn't share me, so you ruined my life.
I didn't know what Wayne meant to you, Mom. I was ten. I didn't know anything. I thought it would be cool if you married Elton John.
George, Wayne could've made our lives so much better, but you blew it.
I know. I feel horrible about it, but there's nothing I can do. It was a long time ago.
It wasn't a long time ago. He came by the other day and you told him I was dead. You lied. You're always calling me a liar, but you are no better.
Yes, I am. I only lied once.
Really? Is this the first time Wayne has tried to contact me?
(lies) Yes.
(walks over to Ernie)
(scared) He comes by everytime he's single, it's been 7 times in the last 30 years. Oh, he misses you greatly.
7 times.
Okay, so I was raised by the biggest liar in the world. You told me, for my birthday, that you got me a cat, like a special breed, called the nut cat. That squirrel almost tore my whole face off!
At least I didn't ruin your life, I'm gonna die alone thanks to you.
No you're not. I'm gonna find Wayne and I'm gonna fix this, I'm gonna give you guys a second chance.
You told him I was dead.
So? I'll just tell him the truth, and I promise you Mom, when he sees you, he's gonna think you're as beautiful now as you were 30 years ago-- oh qué la, I'm lying now and I can't stop lying! (runs out the house)
Man, I'm too late. Angie has the bills.
So? What's the big deal?
I went a little crazy with my raise and dropped $900 on some new golf clubs. I was hoping to get the bill before Angie got a chance to see it.
You hide things you buy from your wife?!
(imitating Ernie): "You hide things you buy from your wife?!" Dude, you really need to get a woman, I'm tired of explaining these things to you!
George, If you hadn't hooked up with Angie when you were 18, your life would've been just like mine.
That is the worst thing you've ever said to me!
(to George) What is with the smoke? Did the little girl from Kansas poor water on your mother?
(to Benny) Okay, uh, here's the deal. I'm gonna try to stop complaining because I don't want to be your excuse for smoking. So if you can't quit, it's 'cause you're self-destructive, undisciplined, (yells) AND YOU NEVER GAVE ME A BIRTHDAY PARTY WHEN I WAS A KID!
Angie (to George): What did you do to finally make Benny quit smoking?
I told her the same thing I wrote on her Mother's Day card: "You're old and you'd better not lose your job, because sabes que? I ain't taking care of your ass! Warm regards, your loving son George."
George! I just finished the letter and I put it on official stationary. I signed it N.W.A.
Ice Cube and Dr. Dre's old group? You're sending this to a racist?
Not *that* N.W.A! The Neighborhood Watch Assocoation!
(after taking the bat from George) You're just gonna get hurt. You've got the reflexes of a drunk grandma!
(Benny snatches the bat from Angie)
You got anything else to say about drunk grandmas? (Angie doesn't say anything) I didn't think so.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's George Lopez pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.