[Cersei confronts Tyrion about the marriage pact he made for Myrcella behind her back]
You monster! Myrcella is my only daughter! Do you really think I will let you sell her like a common whore?!
Tyrion LannisterMyrcella is a princess. Some would say she was born for this.
I will not let you ship her off to Dorne as I was shipped off to Robert Baratheon!
Tyrion Lannister
Dorne is the safest place for her.
Are you mad? The Martells loathe us.
Tyrion Lannister
That's why we need to seduce them. We're going to need their support in the war your son started.
Tyrion Lannister
A guest.
You won't get away with this. You think the piece of paper father gave you keeps you safe? Ned Stark had a piece of paper, too.
Tyrion Lannister
It's done, Cersei.
Tyrion Lannister
You cannot stop it!
Tyrion Lannister
Just how safe do you think Myrcella is if the city falls? Do you want to see her raped and butchered like the Targaryen children? Make no mistake, they will mount her pretty little head on a spike right beside yours.
Get out! [pushes Tyrion back onto the stairs] Get out!
Power is a curious thing, my lord. Are you fond of riddles?
Tyrion Lannister
Why, am I about to hear one?
Three great men sit in a room; a king, a priest and a rich man. Between them stands a common sellsword. Each great man bids the sellsword kill the other two. Who lives, who dies?
Tyrion Lannister
Depends on the sellsword.
Does it? He has neither crown, nor gold, nor the favour of the gods.
Tyrion Lannister
He has a sword, the power of life and death.
But if it's swordsmen who rule, why do we pretend kings hold all the power? When Ned Stark lost his head, who was truly responsible? Joffrey? The executioner? Or something else?
Tyrion Lannister
I've decided I don't like riddles.
Power resides where men believe it resides. It's a trick, a shadow on the wall. And a very small man can cast a very large shadow.
Tyrion Lannister
What is the meaning of this? What kind of knight beats a helpless girl?
MTMeryn Trant
The kind who serves his king, Imp!
Careful now, we don't want to get blood all over your pretty white cloak.
Tyrion Lannister
Someone get the girl something to cover herself with. [Sandor Clegane gives Sansa his cloak] She's to be your Queen. Have you no regard for her honour?
Tyrion Lannister
For what crimes? She did not fight her brother's battle, you halfwit!
You can't talk to me like that! The king can do as he likes!
Tyrion Lannister
The Mad King did as he liked. Has your Uncle Jaime ever told you what happened to him?
MTMeryn Trant
[reaching for his sword] No one threatens His Grace in the presence of the Kingsguard!
Tyrion Lannister
I'm not threatening the King, ser. I'm educating my nephew. Bronn, the next time Ser Meryn speaks, kill him. [pause; Meryn glances at Bronn, who stares back] That was a threat. See the difference?
Tyrion Lannister
An anointed Knight, yes. Tell me, did Cersei have you knighted before or after she took you into her bed? [Lancel is dumbstruck] What? Nothing to say? No more warnings for me, Ser?
You will withdraw these filthy accusations!
Tyrion Lannister
Have you ever given any thought to what King Joffrey will have to say when he finds out you have been bedding his mother?
Tyrion Lannister
Did she take you against your will? Can you not defend yourself, Knight?
Your own father, Lord Tywin, when I was named the King's squire, he told me to obey her in everything!
Tyrion Lannister
Did he tell you to fuck her, too?
I only meant, I did as I was bid. I...
Tyrion Lannister
Hated every moment of it, is that what you'll have me believe? A high place in court, a knighthood, my sister's legs spreading open for you at night! Oh, yes, it must have been terrible! Wait here, His Grace will want to hear this.
Mercy! Mercy, my lord! I beg you!
Tyrion Lannister
Save it for Joffrey; he loves a good grovel.
My lord, it was your sister's bidding, the Queen. I'll leave the city at once, I swear.
Tyrion Lannister
No, I think not.
Tyrion Lannister
You heard me. My father told you to obey my sister. Obey her. Stay close to her side. Keep her trust. Pleasure her whenever she requires. No one ever need know as long as you keep faith with me. I want to know what Cersei is doing, where she goes, who she sees, what they talk of, everything and you will tell me.
[kneels] Yes, my lord, I will. I swear it as you command.
Tyrion Lannister
Oh rise, rise. Let us drink to our understanding. Oh, you don't have a cup. Oh, well. Smile, cousin. My sister is a beautiful woman. And it's all for the good of the realm. Go back and tell her that I beg her forgiveness, that I want no more conflict between us and that henceforth I shall do nothing without her consent.
Tyrion Lannister
Oh, I'll give her Pycelle.
Tyrion Lannister
Yes, I'll release him in the morning. Cersei can keep him as a pet if she wants, but I will not have him on the council. I could swear that I had not harmed a single hair on his head, but that would not, strictly speaking, be true.
Tyrion Lannister
I remember reading an old sailor's proverb: "Piss on wildfire and your cock burns off."
WHWisdom Hallyne
Oh... no, well, I've not conducted this experiment. It could well be true. The substance burns so hot, it melts wood, stone, even steel. And of course, flesh. The substance burns so hot, it melts flesh like tallow. After the dragons died, wildfire was the key to the Targaryen power. [Bronn scoffs]
Tyrion Lannister
My companion takes issue.
If I could tell you how many crazy old men I've seen pushing carts around army camps, making grand claims about jars full of pig shit... no offense meant.
WHWisdom Hallyne
Our order does not deal in pig shit! The substance is fire given form, and we have been perfecting it since the days of Maegor.
WHWisdom Hallyne
The jars are put in catapults and flung at the enemy.
Tyrion Lannister
How much do you have? [Hallyne gestures for them to follow]
If you could get real soldiers to man the catapults, then maybe you'd hit your target one time in ten. But all the real soldiers are in the Riverlands with your father.
WHWisdom Hallyne
My lord, this man is insulting.
I don't know if you've ever seen a battle, old man, but things can get a bit messy. 'Cause when we're flinging things at Stannis, he's flinging 'em right back at us. Men die. Men shit themselves. Men run. Which means pots falling. Which means fire inside the walls. Which means the poor cunts trying to defend the city end up burning it down.
Tyrion Lannister
My friend remains unconvinced.
WHWisdom Hallyne
He would not dare insult my order whilst Aerys Targaryen lived.
Well, he's not living anymore. And all his pots of wildfire didn't help him, did they? Men win wars, not magic tricks.
[Hallyne opens the vault, showing countless rows of shelves, filled with jars of wildfire, to Tyrion's shock]
WHWisdom Hallyne
We have been working tirelessly, day and night, ever since your royal sister commanded us to do so. Our present count stands at 7,811. Enough to burn Stannis Baratheon's fleet and armies both.
[warningly] This is a shit idea.
Tyrion Lannister
I'm afraid I have to concur with my advisor, Wisdom Hallyne. The contents of this room could lay King's Landing low. You won't be making wildfire for my sister any longer. You'll be making it for me.
[Joffrey orders a man killed after getting hit with a cow pie, which instantly provokes a riot. The Kingsguard rush Joffrey and Tyrion to safety behind closed doors]
[after barely escaping the angry mob] Traitors! I'll have all their heads!
Tyrion Lannister
Oh, you blind, bloody fool!
Tyrion Lannister
We've had vicious kings and we've had idiot kings, but I don't know if we've ever been cursed with a vicious idiot for a king!
Tyrion Lannister
I can, I am!
Tyrion Lannister
They threw a cow pie at you! So you decided to kill them all?! They're starving, you fool! All because of the war you started!
YOU'RE TALKING TO A KING!!
Tyrion Lannister
[slaps Joffrey] And now I've struck a king! Did my hand fall from my wrist?! Where is the Stark girl?
Tyrion Lannister
If she dies, you'll never get your Uncle Jaime back. You owe him quite a bit, you know!
Tyrion Lannister
It's just you, me and Joffrey, the "Lord of the Seven Kingdoms and Protector of the Realm".
I'm sure you'll make a point eventually.
Tyrion Lannister
He needs to start acting like a king! This war you started is coming to our doorstep and if the entire city wants Joffrey dead–
I'm not the one giving the boy whores to abuse!
Tyrion Lannister
I thought the girls might help him.
Tyrion Lannister
I was wrong! If we can't control him–
Do you think I haven't tried? He doesn't listen to me!
Tyrion Lannister
[nodding] It's hard to put a leash on a dog once you've put a crown on its head.
I always hoped he'd be like Jaime. He looks like him, in a certain light.
Tyrion Lannister
The boy's more Robert than Jaime.
Robert was a drunken fool, but he didn't enjoy cruelty. Sometimes, I wonder...
Tyrion Lannister
What?
If this is the price for what we've done. For our sins.
Tyrion Lannister
Sins? The Targaryens...
Wed brother and sister for hundreds of years, I know. It's what Jaime and I would say to each other in our moments of doubt. It's what I told Ned Stark when he was stupid enough to confront me. Half the Targaryens went mad, didn't they? What's the saying? "Every time a Targaryen is born, the gods flip a coin."
Tyrion Lannister
You've beaten the odds. Tommen and Myrcella are good, decent children, both of them.
Do you think I'm an idiot?
Tyrion Lannister
I'd say you possess above average intelligence.
You shipped off my only daughter. Now you want to send my eldest son to the battlefield to die?
Tyrion Lannister
He'll have his Kingsguard protecting him, he has the finest armour gold can buy. He needs to be out there. The men will fight more fiercely seeing their King fighting beside them, instead of hiding behind his mother's skirts.
Do you know why Varys is so dangerous?
Tyrion Lannister
Because he has thousands of spies in his employ? Because he knows everything we do before we do it?
Because he doesn't have a cock.
Tyrion Lannister
Neither do you.
Perhaps I'm dangerous, too. You, on the other hand, are as big a fool as every other man. That little worm between your legs does half your thinking for you.
Tyrion Lannister
It's not that little. [Cersei laughs humourlessly] Why are you laughing?
Tyrion Lannister
And why are you happy?
Because I have your little whore.
Tyrion Lannister
I thought you preferred blondes.
Such a droll little fellow. Tell me, have you married this one yet? No? Good, Father will be so pleased!
Tyrion Lannister
Why do you care who I fuck?
Because a Lannister always pays her debts. You stole my daughter, you plot to have Joffrey killed.
Tyrion Lannister
This is madness. Stannis will be here in days. You need me.
For what? Your skill in battle? Pretty thing, your whore. Lovely body; the bruises will heal in time...
Tyrion Lannister
Where did you find her?
Varys isn't the only one who hears whispers. Really, a Lannister lion necklace? You need to hide your secret whores more carefully.
Tyrion Lannister
You've forgotten the most important thing about whores.
Oh? Well, you're the expert, tell me.
Tyrion Lannister
You don't buy them, you only rent them.
You're usually a better liar, baby brother. This one you like. You like her very much. Could it be love? Don't worry, she'll be treated gently enough... unless Joffrey is hurt, and then every wound he suffers, she'll suffer too. And if he dies, there isn't a man alive who could advise a more painful death for your little cunt.
Tyrion Lannister
And how do I know you haven't killed her already?
You'd like to see her? I thought you might. Ser Mandon, bring in my brother's whore.
[Two Kingsguard knights drag in a beaten Ros]
Tyrion Lannister
I'm sorry they hurt you. You must be brave. I promise, I will free you.
Tyrion Lannister
Never.
[The knights drag her out. Tyrion turns to face a grinning Cersei]
Tyrion Lannister
I will hurt you for this. A day will come when you think you are safe and happy and your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth... and you will know the debt is paid.
You're the Master of Whisperers. You're supposed to know everything.
No man can be in all rooms at all times. I have many little birds in the North, my lord, but I haven't heard their songs since Theon Greyojoy captured Winterfell.
The Stark forces are distracted. Now is the time to strike.
Tyrion Lannister
To strike? My dear nephew, you do see these men preparing the walls for siege? You do understand Stannis Baratheon sails this way?
If my Uncle Stannis lands on the shores of King's Landing, I'll ride out to greet him.
Tyrion Lannister
A brave choice, Your Grace. I'm sure your men will line up behind you.
They say Stannis never smiles. I'll give him a red smile, from ear to ear. [walks away]
Tyrion Lannister
Imagine Stannis's terror!
[Tyrion and Bronn are planning for Stannis' invasion]
My lord Hand. Commander. I must compliment you on the Gold Cloaks' performance these past few weeks. Did you know there has been a marked drop in thievery?
Tyrion Lannister
I did not know. [to Bronn] And how did you accomplish this "marked drop in thievery"?
Me and the lads rounded up all the known thieves.
Tyrion Lannister
[sharply] For questioning?
Uh, no. [Varys looks shocked] It's just the unknown thieves we need to worry about now.
Tyrion Lannister
We talked about this.
Aye, we talked about it. Have you ever been in a city under siege? Maybe this part's not in your books. See, it's not the fighting that kills most people, it's the starving. Food's worth more than gold. Noble ladies sell their diamonds for a sack of potatoes. Things get bad enough, the poor start eating each other. The thieves? They love a siege. Soon as the gates are sealed, they steal all the food. By the time it's all over, they're the richest men in town.
Given the circumstances, my lord, I believe extreme measures are warranted. [sees what Tyrion is reading] Ahh, The Great Sieges of Westeros. Thrilling subject. Shame Archmaester Ch'Vyalthan wasn't a better writer.
Tyrion Lannister
[unrolls a map of King's Landing] Stannis knows King's Landing. He knows where the walls are strongest, and he knows which gates are weakest. Mud Gate... good ram will batter it down in minutes, and it's only fifty yards from the water. That's where he'll land.
And if Stannis does attack the Mud Gate, what is our plan?
We could throw books at his men.
We don't have that many books.
We don't have that many men, either.
Tyrion Lannister
[glances up at Bronn] Pig shit.
Hound, tell the Hand that his King has asked him a question.
The King has asked you a question.
Tyrion Lannister
Ser Lancel, tell the Hound to tell the King that the Hand is extremely busy.
The Hand of the King would like me to tell you to tell the King that...
If I tell the Hound to cut you in half, he'll do it without a second thought.
Tyrion Lannister
That would make me the "Quarter Man"; just doesn't have the same ring to it. Cut me in half and I won't be able to give the signal. No signal, no plan. No plan and Stannis Baratheon sacks this city, takes the Iron Throne, puts your pinched little head atop a gate somewhere. It might be quite amusing, except my head would be up there too! I've never much liked my head, but I don't want to see it removed just yet.
Tyrion Lannister
Can I get you some iced milk and a nice bowl of raspberries, too?
Tyrion Lannister
You're on the wrong side of the wall!
I lost half of my men. The Blackwater's on fire.
Dog, I command you to go back out there and fight!
Tyrion Lannister
You're Kingsguard, Clegane. We must beat them back, or they're going to take this city! Your King's city!
Fuck the Kingsguard! Fuck the city! [turns to Joffrey] Fuck the King!
Tyrion Lannister
Men, form up! Men! Men! They say I'm half a man, but what does that make the lot of you?
LSLannister Soldier
The only way out is through the gates, and they're at the gates!
Tyrion Lannister
There's another way out; I'm going to show you. We'll come out behind them and fuck them in their arses! [the men laugh] Don't fight for your king and don't fight for his kingdoms! Don't fight for honour, don't fight for glory, don't fight for riches, because you won't get any! This is your city Stannis means to sack, that's your gate he's ramming! If he gets in, it'll be your houses he burns, your gold he steals, your women he'll rape. Those are brave men knocking at our door. Let's go kill them!
Game of Thrones · 356 quotes
