Lancel LannisterIt's made too small, Your Grace, it won't go.
Your mother was a dumb whore with a fat arse, did you know that? Look at this idiot—one ball and no brains; he can't even put a man's armour on him properly!
You're too fat for your armour.
Fat? Fat is it? Is that how you speak to your king?
[Robert, Ned, and Lancel laugh. Robert turns to Lancel.]
Lancel Lannister
No, Your Grace.
No? You don't like the Hand's joke?
You're torturing the poor boy.
You heard the Hand, the king's too fat for his armour—go find the breastplate-stretcher, NOW!
[Lancel leaves hurriedly; Ned and Robert laugh.]
The breastplate-stretcher?
How long before he figures it out?
Lancel Lannister
I am a knight!
An anointed Knight, yes. Tell me, did Cersei have you knighted before or after she took you into her bed? [Lancel is dumbstruck] What? Nothing to say? No more warnings for me, Ser?
Lancel Lannister
You will withdraw these filthy accusations!
Have you ever given any thought to what King Joffrey will have to say when he finds out you have been bedding his mother?
Lancel Lannister
It's not my fault!
Did she take you against your will? Can you not defend yourself, Knight?
Lancel Lannister
Your own father, Lord Tywin, when I was named the King's squire, he told me to obey her in everything!
Did he tell you to fuck her, too?
Lancel Lannister
I only meant, I did as I was bid. I...
Hated every moment of it, is that what you'll have me believe? A high place in court, a knighthood, my sister's legs spreading open for you at night! Oh, yes, it must have been terrible! Wait here, His Grace will want to hear this.
Lancel Lannister
Mercy! Mercy, my lord! I beg you!
Save it for Joffrey; he loves a good grovel.
Lancel Lannister
My lord, it was your sister's bidding, the Queen. I'll leave the city at once, I swear.
Lancel Lannister
My lord?
You heard me. My father told you to obey my sister. Obey her. Stay close to her side. Keep her trust. Pleasure her whenever she requires. No one ever need know as long as you keep faith with me. I want to know what Cersei is doing, where she goes, who she sees, what they talk of, everything and you will tell me.
Lancel Lannister
[kneels] Yes, my lord, I will. I swear it as you command.
Oh rise, rise. Let us drink to our understanding. Oh, you don't have a cup. Oh, well. Smile, cousin. My sister is a beautiful woman. And it's all for the good of the realm. Go back and tell her that I beg her forgiveness, that I want no more conflict between us and that henceforth I shall do nothing without her consent.
Lancel Lannister
But, her demands...
Oh, I'll give her Pycelle.
Lancel Lannister
You will?
Yes, I'll release him in the morning. Cersei can keep him as a pet if she wants, but I will not have him on the council. I could swear that I had not harmed a single hair on his head, but that would not, strictly speaking, be true.
Hound, tell the Hand that his King has asked him a question.
The King has asked you a question.
Ser Lancel, tell the Hound to tell the King that the Hand is extremely busy.
Lancel Lannister
The Hand of the King would like me to tell you to tell the King that...
If I tell the Hound to cut you in half, he'll do it without a second thought.
That would make me the "Quarter Man"; just doesn't have the same ring to it. Cut me in half and I won't be able to give the signal. No signal, no plan. No plan and Stannis Baratheon sacks this city, takes the Iron Throne, puts your pinched little head atop a gate somewhere. It might be quite amusing, except my head would be up there too! I've never much liked my head, but I don't want to see it removed just yet.
Game of Thrones · 356 quotes
