Joffrey BaratheonWe ride for King's Landing today.
Before you go, you will call on Lord and Lady Stark and offer your sympathies.
Joffrey Baratheon
What good will my sympathies do them?
None, but it is expected of you. Your absence has already been noted.
Joffrey Baratheon
The boy means nothing to me, and I can't stand the wailing of women.
[slaps Joffrey] One word and I hit you again.
Joffrey Baratheon
I'm telling Mother!
[slaps Joffrey] Go, tell her! But first you will get to Lord and Lady Stark. And you will fall on your knees in front of them and tell them how very sorry you are, that you are at their service and that all your prayers are with them. Do you understand?
Joffrey Baratheon
You can't!
[slaps Joffrey] Do you understand?
[Joffrey scurries away]
The Prince will remember that, little Lord.
I hope so. If he forgets, be a good dog and remind him.
Joffrey Baratheon
I command the council to make all necessary arrangements for my coronation. I wish to be crowned within the fortnight. Today I shall accept oaths of fealty from my loyal councilors.
Ser Barristan, I believe no man here could ever question your honour.
[Ser Barristan takes the scroll from Ned]
King Robert's seal. Unbroken. [breaks the seal and unrolls the scroll] "Lord Eddard Stark is herein named Protector of the Realm, to rule as Regent until the heir come of age".
May I see that letter, Ser Barristan? "Protector of the Realm." [to Ned] Is this meant to be your shield, Lord Stark? A piece of paper? [rips the scroll to shreds]
Those were the King's words.
We have a new King now. Lord Eddard, when we last spoke you offered me some counsel. Allow me to return the courtesy. Bend the knee, my Lord. Bend the knee and swear loyalty to my son and we shall allow you to live out your days in the gray waste you call home.
Your son has no claim to the throne.
Joffrey Baratheon
Liar!
You condemn yourself with your own mouth, Lord Stark. Ser Barristan, seize this traitor.
Ser Barristan is a good man, a loyal man. Do him no harm.
You think he stands alone?
[Gregor Clegane slowly approaches Ned while drawing his sword]
Joffrey Baratheon
Kill him! Kill all of them, I command it!!
[to Janos] Commander! Take the Queen and her children into custody. Escort them back to the royal apartments and keep them there, under guard.
[The Gold Cloaks all draw their swords]
I want no bloodshed. Tell your men to lay down their swords. No one needs to die.
[The Stark men are suddenly slaughtered by the Gold Cloaks. Before Ned can retaliate, Littlefinger approaches him from behind and holds a knife to his throat]
I did warn you not to trust me.
I am Eddard Stark, Lord of Winterfell and Hand of the King. I come before you to confess my treason, in the sight of Gods and men. I betrayed the faith of my King, and the trust of my friend, Robert. I swore to defend and protect his children, but before his blood was cold I plotted to murder his son, and seize the throne for myself. Let the High Septon and Baelor the Blessed bear witness to what I say...Joffrey Baratheon is the one true heir to the Iron Throne. By the grace of all the Gods, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms and Protector of the Realm.
As we sin...so do we suffer. This man has confessed his crimes in sight of Gods and men. The Gods are just! But beloved Baelor taught us they can also be merciful. What is to be done with this traitor, Your Grace?
Joffrey Baratheon
My mother wishes me to let Lord Eddard join the Night's Watch. Stripped of all titles and powers, he would serve the Realm in permanent exile. And my Lady Sansa... has begged mercy for her father. But they have the soft hearts of women. So long as I am your King, treason shall never go unpunished! Ser Ilyn! Bring me his head!
What is the meaning of this? What kind of knight beats a helpless girl?
MTMeryn Trant
The kind who serves his king, Imp!
Careful now, we don't want to get blood all over your pretty white cloak.
Someone get the girl something to cover herself with. [Sandor Clegane gives Sansa his cloak] She's to be your Queen. Have you no regard for her honour?
Joffrey Baratheon
I'm punishing her.
For what crimes? She did not fight her brother's battle, you halfwit!
Joffrey Baratheon
You can't talk to me like that! The king can do as he likes!
The Mad King did as he liked. Has your Uncle Jaime ever told you what happened to him?
MTMeryn Trant
[reaching for his sword] No one threatens His Grace in the presence of the Kingsguard!
I'm not threatening the King, ser. I'm educating my nephew. Bronn, the next time Ser Meryn speaks, kill him. [pause; Meryn glances at Bronn, who stares back] That was a threat. See the difference?
[Joffrey orders a man killed after getting hit with a cow pie, which instantly provokes a riot. The Kingsguard rush Joffrey and Tyrion to safety behind closed doors]
Joffrey Baratheon
[after barely escaping the angry mob] Traitors! I'll have all their heads!
Oh, you blind, bloody fool!
Joffrey Baratheon
You can't insult me!
We've had vicious kings and we've had idiot kings, but I don't know if we've ever been cursed with a vicious idiot for a king!
Joffrey Baratheon
Y–You can't...
Joffrey Baratheon
They attacked me!
They threw a cow pie at you! So you decided to kill them all?! They're starving, you fool! All because of the war you started!
Joffrey Baratheon
YOU'RE TALKING TO A KING!!
[slaps Joffrey] And now I've struck a king! Did my hand fall from my wrist?! Where is the Stark girl?
Joffrey Baratheon
Let them have her!
If she dies, you'll never get your Uncle Jaime back. You owe him quite a bit, you know!
Joffrey Baratheon
You're the Master of Whisperers. You're supposed to know everything.
No man can be in all rooms at all times. I have many little birds in the North, my lord, but I haven't heard their songs since Theon Greyojoy captured Winterfell.
Joffrey Baratheon
The Stark forces are distracted. Now is the time to strike.
To strike? My dear nephew, you do see these men preparing the walls for siege? You do understand Stannis Baratheon sails this way?
Joffrey Baratheon
If my Uncle Stannis lands on the shores of King's Landing, I'll ride out to greet him.
A brave choice, Your Grace. I'm sure your men will line up behind you.
Joffrey Baratheon
They say Stannis never smiles. I'll give him a red smile, from ear to ear. [walks away]
Imagine Stannis's terror!
Joffrey Baratheon
Hound, tell the Hand that his King has asked him a question.
The King has asked you a question.
Ser Lancel, tell the Hound to tell the King that the Hand is extremely busy.
The Hand of the King would like me to tell you to tell the King that...
Joffrey Baratheon
If I tell the Hound to cut you in half, he'll do it without a second thought.
That would make me the "Quarter Man"; just doesn't have the same ring to it. Cut me in half and I won't be able to give the signal. No signal, no plan. No plan and Stannis Baratheon sacks this city, takes the Iron Throne, puts your pinched little head atop a gate somewhere. It might be quite amusing, except my head would be up there too! I've never much liked my head, but I don't want to see it removed just yet.
Can I get you some iced milk and a nice bowl of raspberries, too?
You're on the wrong side of the wall!
I lost half of my men. The Blackwater's on fire.
Joffrey Baratheon
Dog, I command you to go back out there and fight!
You're Kingsguard, Clegane. We must beat them back, or they're going to take this city! Your King's city!
Fuck the Kingsguard! Fuck the city! [turns to Joffrey] Fuck the King!
Joffrey Baratheon
Grandfather.
You wanted to speak to me?
Joffrey Baratheon
Yes! I'd like a report on the meetings of my Small Council.
You're welcome to attend the meetings of your Small Council, Your Grace, any or all of them.
Joffrey Baratheon
I've been very busy, many important matters require a King's attention!
Joffrey Baratheon
You've been holding the Small Council meetings in the Tower of the Hand, instead of the Small Council Chamber.
Joffrey Baratheon
May I ask why?
The Tower of the Hand is where I work. To walk from there to here would take time - time I could otherwise spend productively.
Joffrey Baratheon
So, if I wanted to attend one of my Small Council meetings, I would now have to climb all the stairs in the Tower of the Hand? [Tywin slowly walks up to the Iron Throne, unsettling Joffrey]
...We could arrange to have you carried.
Joffrey Baratheon
Tell me about the Targaryen girl in the East, and her dragons.
Where did you hear about this?
Joffrey Baratheon
Is it true?
Joffrey Baratheon
Don't you think we ought to do something about it?
When I was Hand of the King under your father's predecessor, the skulls of all the Targaryen dragons were kept in this room - and the skull of the last of them was right here. It was the size of an apple.
Joffrey Baratheon
And the biggest was the size of a carriage.
Yes, and the creature to whom it belonged died three hundred years ago! Curiosities on the far side of the world are no threat to us.
Joffrey Baratheon
But how do we know these dragons are...curiosities, and not the beasts that brought the whole world to heel?
Because we have been told as much by the many experts who serve the Realm by counseling the King on matters about which he knows nothing.
Joffrey Baratheon
But I haven't been counseled!
You are being counseled at this very moment.
Joffrey Baratheon
I should be consulted about such things.
From now on, I will see to it that you are appropriately consulted on important matters...whenever necessary. [starts to walk away, then turns back and bows his head] Your Grace.
Joffrey Baratheon
Congratulations, my lady.
Joffrey Baratheon
We've done it. You've married a Lannister! Soon you will have a Lannister baby. It's a dream come true for you, isn't it? What a glorious day!
Joffrey Baratheon
I suppose it doesn't really matter which Lannister puts the baby into you. Maybe I'll pay you a visit after my uncle passes out. How'd you like that? [Sansa doesn't answer] You wouldn't? Well, that's all right. Ser Meryn and Ser Boris will hold you down. [to the crowd] Time for the bedding ceremony!
There will be no bedding ceremony.
Joffrey Baratheon
Where's your respect for tradition, uncle? Come, everyone! Pick her up, and carry her to her wedding bed. Get rid of her gown, she won't be needing it any longer. Ladies! Attend to my uncle, he's not heavy!
There will be no bedding ceremony.
Joffrey Baratheon
There will be if I command it!
[Tyrion angrily slams his dagger into the table]
Then you'll be fucking your own bride with a wooden cock!
Joffrey Baratheon
What did you say? What...did you...SAY?!
I believe we can dispense with the bedding ceremony, Your Grace. I'm sure Tyrion did not mean to threaten the king.
[laughs] A bad joke, Your Grace. Made out of envy of your own royal manhood. Mine is so small, my poor wife won't even know I'm there.
Your uncle is clearly quite drunk, Your Grace.
I am...guilty. But... But, it is my wedding night. My tiny drunk cock and I have a job to do. Come, wife. I vomited on a girl once. Middle of the act. Not proud of it. But I think honesty is important between a man and wife. Don't you agree? Come, I'll tell you all about it, put you in the mood.
Killed a few puppies today?
Joffrey Baratheon
[gestures to Pycelle] Show him. Go on, show him!
[Pycelle takes out a small scroll and holds it out, but drops it when Tyrion reaches for it]
Ohhh! I'm sorry, my Lord, old fingers. [Tyrion glares at him, snatches the scroll up from the floor and reads it]
"Roslin caught a fine fat trout. Her brothers gave her a pair of wolf pelts for her wedding. Signed Walder Frey." Is that bad poetry, or is it supposed to mean something?
Joffrey Baratheon
Robb Stark is dead! And his bitch mother! [to Pycelle] Write back to Lord Frey. Thank him for his service and command him to send Robb Stark's head to me. I'm going to serve it to Sansa at my wedding feast.
Your Grace, Lady Sansa is your aunt by marriage.
A joke. Joffrey did not mean it.
Joffrey Baratheon
Yes, I did. I'm going to have it served to Sansa at my wedding feast.
No. She is no longer yours to torment.
Joffrey Baratheon
Everyone is mine to torment. You'd do well to remember that, you little monster.
Oh, I'm a monster? Perhaps you should speak to me more softly, then. Monsters are dangerous and just now kings are dying like flies.
Joffrey Baratheon
I could have your tongue out for saying that!
Let him make his threats. Hmm? He's a bitter little man.
Lord Tyrion should apologize immediately. Unacceptable, disrespectful, and in very bad taste!
Joffrey Baratheon
I am the KING!! I will punish you!
Any man who must say, "I am the king" is no true king. I'll make sure you understand that when I've won your war for you.
Joffrey Baratheon
My father won the real war! He killed Prince Rhaegar. He took the crown, while you hid under Casterly Rock!
[Glares at Joffrey, unfazed] ...The king is tired. See him to his chambers.
Joffrey Baratheon
I'm not tired.
We have so much to celebrate. A wedding to plan. You must rest.
Grand Maester, perhaps some essence of nightshade to help him sleep.
Joffrey Baratheon
I'm not... TIRED!!
Joffrey Baratheon
Well fought. Well fought. Here you are. Champion's purse. Though you're not the champion yet, are you? A true champion defeats all the challengers. Surely there are others out there who still dare to challenge my reign. Uncle. How about you? I'm sure they have a spare costume.
One taste of combat was enough for me, Your Grace. I would like to keep what remains of my face. I think you should fight him. This was but a poor imitation of your own bravery on the field of battle. I speak as a firsthand witness. Climb down from the high table with your new Valyrian sword and show everyone how a true king wins his throne. Be careful, though. [Nods towards the champion dwarf.] This one is clearly mad with lust. It would be a tragedy for the king to lose his virtue hours before his wedding night.
[Enraged and humiliated, Joffrey walks over to Tyrion and empties his goblet over his uncle's head.]
A fine vintage. Shame that it spilled.
Joffrey Baratheon
It did not spill.
My love, come back to me. It's time for my father's toast.
Joffrey Baratheon
Well, how does he expect me to toast without wine? [To Tyrion] Uncle, you can be my cupbearer seeing as you're too cowardly to fight.
Your Grace does me a fine honor.
Joffrey Baratheon
It's not meant as an honor.
[A brief pause, and Tyrion gets up to take the cup, but Joffrey drops it. As Tyrion bends to pick it up, Joffrey kicks it underneath a table.]
Joffrey Baratheon
Bring me my goblet.
[Tyrion goes underneath the table searching for the goblet. Sansa picks it up and hands it to Tyrion, who, in turn, hands it to Joffrey.]
Joffrey Baratheon
What good is an empty cup? Fill it. [Tyrion fills the cup with wine and hands it to Joffrey] Kneel. [Tyrion looks at him] Kneel before your king. [Pause] Kneel. [Pause as Tyrion glares at Joffrey; Getting angry] I said... kneel! [Tyrion keeps glaring at him]
Joffrey Baratheon
Uncle. Where are you going? You're my cupbearer, remember?
I thought I might change out of these wet clothes, Your Grace.
Joffrey Baratheon
No, no, no. No, you're perfect the way you are. Serve me my wine. Well, hurry up. This pie is dry. [He hands the cup to Joffrey, who gulps at it] Mm, good. Needs washing down.
If it please Your Grace, Lady Sansa is very tired.
Joffrey Baratheon
No. [coughs] No, you'll wait here... [coughs again] un-- [continues coughing]
Joffrey Baratheon
[short of breath, he takes a gulp of wine to try and alleviate his coughing] It's nothing.
Help the poor boy. [Joffrey staggers away from the table, choking frantically.] Idiots, help your king.
Move away! [He pushes his way through the crowd and runs towards Joffrey as he collapses, choking and vomiting.] Joffrey! Joffrey!
Help him! Someone help him! Joffrey!
[in the confusion, court fool Dontos Hollard appears behind Sansa]
DHDontos Hollard
[to Sansa] Come with me now.
DHDontos Hollard
[to Sansa] If you want to live, we have to leave.
Don't touch him! Joffrey. Please, Joffrey. Joffrey, what is it? Help him!
[Joffrey begins to bleed from his nose and eyes; after managing to point at Tyrion inspecting the cup, he wheezes out his last breath and finally dies.]
MMan
He's gone. Our king is gone!
[turning to glare at Tyrion with rising anger] He did this. He poisoned my son, your king. Take him. Take him! TAKE HIM! TAKE HIM!
Game of Thrones · 356 quotes
