You're Tyrion Lannister? The Queen's brother?
Tyrion LannisterMy greatest accomplishment. And you, you're Ned Stark's bastard, aren't you?
[Jon walks away]
Tyrion Lannister
Did I offend you? Sorry. You are the bastard, though.
Lord Eddard Stark is my father.
Tyrion Lannister
And Lady Stark is not your mother, making you … the bastard. Let me give you some advice, bastard: never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.
What the hell do you know about being a bastard?
Tyrion Lannister
All dwarfs are bastards in their fathers' eyes.
MBMyrcella Baratheon
Is Bran going to die?
Tyrion Lannister
Apparently not.
Tyrion Lannister
The Maester says the boy may live.
It's no mercy, letting a child linger in such pain.
Tyrion Lannister
Only the Gods know for certain. All the rest of us can do is pray. The charms of the North seem entirely lost on you.
I still can't believe you're going. It's ridiculous, even for you.
Tyrion Lannister
Where's your sense of wonder? The greatest structure ever built, the intrepid men of the Night's Watch, the wintry abode of the White Walkers!
Tell me you're not thinking of taking the Black.
Tyrion Lannister
And go celibate? The whores would go begging from Dorne to Casterly Rock! No, I just want to stand on top of the Wall and piss off the edge of the world!
The children don't need to hear your filth. Come.
Even if the boy lives, he'll be a cripple. A grotesque. Give me a good, clean death any day.
Tyrion Lannister
Speaking for the grotesques, I'd have to disagree. Death is so final, whereas life, ahh, life is full of possibilities. I hope the boy does wake. I'd be interested to hear what he has to say.
My dear brother, at times you make me wonder whose side you're on.
Tyrion Lannister
My dear brother, you wound me. You know how much I love my family.
We ride for King's Landing today.
Tyrion Lannister
Before you go, you will call on Lord and Lady Stark and offer your sympathies.
What good will my sympathies do them?
Tyrion Lannister
None, but it is expected of you. Your absence has already been noted.
The boy means nothing to me, and I can't stand the wailing of women.
Tyrion Lannister
[slaps Joffrey] One word and I hit you again.
Tyrion Lannister
[slaps Joffrey] Go, tell her! But first you will get to Lord and Lady Stark. And you will fall on your knees in front of them and tell them how very sorry you are, that you are at their service and that all your prayers are with them. Do you understand?
Tyrion Lannister
[slaps Joffrey] Do you understand?
[Joffrey scurries away]
The Prince will remember that, little Lord.
Tyrion Lannister
I hope so. If he forgets, be a good dog and remind him.
[Tyrion and Jon Snow watch as several captured criminals are brought in by the band of Watchmen and fed]
Tyrion Lannister
Ah, rapers. They were given a choice, no doubt: castration, or the Wall. Most choose the knife. Not impressed with your new brothers? Lovely thing about the Watch. You discard your old family and get a whole new one.
Tyrion Lannister
Look at me and tell me what you see.
Tyrion Lannister
What you see is a dwarf. If I had been born a peasant, they might've left me out in the woods to die. Alas, I was born a Lannister of Casterly Rock. Things are expected of me. My father was the Hand of the King for twenty years.
Until your brother killed that King.
Tyrion Lannister
Yes. Until my brother killed him. Life is full of these little ironies. My sister married the new King, and my repulsive nephew will be King after him. I must do my part, for the honour of my House. Wouldn't you agree? But how? Well, my brother has his sword, and I have my mind, and a mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone. That's why I read so much, Jon Snow. And you? What's your story, bastard?
Ask me nicely, and maybe I'll tell you, dwarf.
Tyrion Lannister
A bastard boy with nothing to inherit, off to join the ancient Order of the Night's Watch. Alongside his valiant brothers-in-arms.
The Night's Watch protects the Realm from--
Tyrion Lannister
Ah, yes, yes, against grumpkins and snarks, and all the other monsters your wet-nurse warned you about! You're a smart boy, you don't believe all that nonsense.
Tyrion Lannister
[about Hodor] Would your charming companion be so good as to kneel? My neck is beginning to hurt.
Tyrion Lannister
Do you like to ride, Bran?
Yes. Well, I mean, I did like to.
The boy has lost the use of his legs.
Tyrion Lannister
What of it? With the right horse and saddle, even a cripple can ride.
Tyrion Lannister
Then I'm not a dwarf! My father will rejoice to hear it. I have a gift for you. Give that to your saddler, he'll provide the rest. You must shape the horse to the rider- start with a yearling, and teach it to respond to the reins, and to the boy's voice.
Will I really be able to ride?
Tyrion Lannister
You will. On horseback, you'll be as tall as any of them.
Is this some kind of trick? Why do you want to help him?
Tyrion Lannister
I have a tender spot in my heart for cripples, bastards and broken things.
You've done my brother a kindness. The hospitality of Winterfell is yours...
Tyrion Lannister
Spare me your false courtesies, Lord Stark. There's a brothel outside your walls; there, I'll find a bed and both of us can sleep easier.
Tyrion Lannister
Your loyalty to your captors is touching. Tell me, how do you think Balon Greyjoy would feel if he could see that his only surviving son has turned lackey? I still remember watching my father's fleet burning in Lannisport. I believe your uncles were responsible.
Must've been a pretty sight.
Tyrion Lannister
Nothing prettier than watching sailors burn alive. Yes, great victory for your people. Shame how it all turned out.
We were outnumbered ten to one!
Tyrion Lannister
A stupid rebellion, then. I suppose your father realized that when your brothers died in battle. And now, here you are Your enemy's squire.
Tyrion Lannister
I've offended you? Forgive me, it's been a rough morning. Anyway, don't despair. I'm a constant disappointment to my own father, and I have learned to live with it. [tosses Theon a gold coin] Your next tumble with Ros is on me. I'll try not to wear her out.
[At the Crossroads Inn, Tyrion recognizes Catelyn Stark travelling in disguise]
Tyrion Lannister
Lady Stark! What an unexpected pleasure. I was sorry to have missed you at Winterfell.
MMasha
[curtsies] Lady Stark.
I was still Catelyn Tully the last time I stayed here. [to a knight sitting at another table] You, ser, is that the black bat of Harrenhal I see embroidered on your coat?
WWWillis Wode
It is, my lady.
And is Lady Whent a true and honest friend to my father, Lord Hoster Tully of Riverrun?
[pause; to another knight] The red stallion was always a welcome sight at Riverrun. My father counts Jonos Bracken amongst his oldest and most loyal bannermen.
KKurleket
Our Lord is honoured by his trust.
Tyrion Lannister
I envy your father all his fine friends, Lady Stark, but I don't quite see the purpose of this.
[to a third knight] I know your sigil, as well. The Twin Towers of Frey. How fares your lord, ser?
FKFrey Knight
Lord Walder is well, my lady. He has asked your father for the honour of his presence on his 90th nameday. He plans to take another wife.
[turns to Tyrion] This man came into my house as a guest and there conspired to murder my son, a boy of ten. In the name of King Robert and the good lords you serve, I call upon you to seize him and help me return him to Winterfell to await the king's justice!
[The knights draw their swords and point them at a shocked Tyrion]
Tyrion Lannister
The Stark boy appears to be less green than we'd hoped.
HSHarys Swift
I'm told his wolf killed a dozen men and as many horses!
AMAddam Marband
Is it true about Stannis and Renly?
Both Baratheon brothers have taken up against us. Jaime captured, his armies scattered... it's a catastrophe. Perhaps we should sue for peace.
Tyrion Lannister
[knocks his glass to the floor, shattering it] There's your peace. Joffrey saw to that when he decided to remove Ned Stark's head. You'll have an easier time drinking out of that cup than you will bringing Robb Stark to the table now. He's winning, in case you hadn't noticed.
I'm told we still have his sisters...
HSHarys Swift
The first order of business is ransoming Ser Jaime!
AMAddam Marband
No truces, we can't afford to look weak. We should march on them at once!
First, we must return to Casterly Rock and raise more-
THEY HAVE MY SON! Get out, all of you. [addressing Tyrion] Not you. You were right about Eddard Stark; if he were alive, we could've used him to broker a peace with Winterfell and Riverrun... which would have given us more time to deal with Robert's brothers, but now? Madness, madness and stupidity! I always thought you were a stunted fool. Perhaps I was wrong.
Tyrion Lannister
Half wrong. I'm new to strategy, but unless we want to be surrounded by three armies, it appears we can't stay here.
No one will stay here. Ser Gregor will head out with five hundred riders and set the Riverlands on fire from Gods' Eye to the Red Fork. The rest of us will regroup at Harrenhal. And you will go to King's Landing.
Tyrion Lannister
And do what?
Rule. You will serve as Hand of the King in my stead; you'll bring that boy-king to heel, and his mother too, if needs be. And if you get so much as a whiff of treason from any of the rest, Baelish, Varys, Pycelle...
Tyrion Lannister
Heads, spikes, walls. Why not my uncle? Why not anyone?! Why me?
You're my son. Oh, one more thing. You will not take that whore to court.
[Tyrion enters the Small Council chamber, whistling "The Rains of Castamere"]
Tyrion Lannister
Don't get up! More ravishing than ever, big sister! War agrees with you! [kisses Cersei on the cheek] Excuse the interruption. Carry on.
Tyrion Lannister
It's been a... remarkable journey! I pissed off the edge of the Wall. I slept in a sky-cell. I fought with the hill tribes! So many adventures, so much to be thankful for!
What are you doing here? This is the Small Council.
Tyrion Lannister
Yes, well, I do believe the Hand of the King is welcome at all Small Council meetings.
Our father is Hand of the King!
Tyrion Lannister
Yes. But in his absence...
[He hands a small scroll to Varys, who unrolls it]
Your father has named Lord Tyrion to serve as Hand in his stead while he fights—
[The rest of the Council leaves hastily as Cersei storms around the table towards Tyrion.]
I would like to know how you tricked Father into this!
Tyrion Lannister
If I were capable of tricking Father, I'd be emperor of the world by now. You brought this on yourself.
Tyrion Lannister
Quite right, you did nothing... when your son called for Ned Stark's head. Now the entire North has risen up against us.
Tyrion Lannister
Did you? You failed. That bit of theatre will haunt our family for a generation.
Tyrion Lannister
Who's won every battle he's fought! Do you understand we're losing the war?
What do you know about warfare?
Tyrion Lannister
Nothing. But I know people, and I know that our enemies hate each other almost as much as they hate us.
Tyrion Lannister
Joffrey is King.
You are here to advise him.
Tyrion Lannister
Only here to advise him. And if the King listens to what I say, the King might just get his uncle Jaime back.
Tyrion Lannister
You love your children. It’s your one redeeming quality. That and your cheekbones. The Starks love their children as well, and we have two of them.
Tyrion Lannister
One?
Arya, that little animal, she disappeared.
Tyrion Lannister
Disappeared? What, in a puff of smoke?! We had three Starks to trade. You chopped one’s head off, and let another escape. Father would be furious. Must be hard for you, to be the disappointing child.
Tyrion Lannister
I don't like threats.
Tyrion Lannister
I'm not Ned Stark, I understand the way this game is played.
Ned Stark was a man of honour.
Tyrion Lannister
And I am not. Threaten me again and I'll have you thrown into the sea!
[Tyrion goes to leave, but Varys holds the door shut]
You might be disappointed in the results. The storms come and go, the big fish eat the little fish, and I keep on paddling.
Tyrion Lannister
I heard there was some trouble in Littlefinger's brothel the other night.
Nasty business. Had to be done.
Tyrion Lannister
Yes, of course. The City Watch must keep the peace. Only, I hadn't realized peace depended on killing babies.
Tyrion Lannister
Quite right, especially the Queen's orders.
I never said they were the Queen's orders.
Tyrion Lannister
No, but who else would want to murder King Robert's bastards? She's always been a jealous woman.
You know your sister better than I do.
Tyrion Lannister
You've heard the awful rumors about my brother and sister.
Tyrion Lannister
Well, that's good of you, but you have heard them. I suppose people who do believe that filth consider Robert's bastards to be better claimants to the Throne than Cersei's children.
Joffrey is my King. The rest doesn't interest me.
Tyrion Lannister
I appreciate your loyalty. Tell me, when your men slaughtered Ned Stark's men in the throne room, did you give the order?
I did, and I would again. The man was a traitor. He tried to buy my loyalty.
Tyrion Lannister
The fool! He had no idea you were already bought.
Are you drunk?! I'll not have my honour questioned by an imp!
Tyrion Lannister
I'm not questioning your honour, Lord Janos; I'm denying its existence.
[standing up] If you think I'll stand here and take this from you, dwarf-
Tyrion Lannister
"Dwarf"? You should've stopped at "Imp"! And, yes, you will stand here and take it from me, unless you'd like to take it from my friend here!
[Janos looks to his right and sees Bronn standing there]
Tyrion Lannister
I intend to serve as Hand of the King until my father returns from the war. And seeing as you betrayed the last Hand of the King, well, I just wouldn't feel safe with you lurking about.
What are you... my friends at court will not allow this! The Queen herself—
Tyrion Lannister
The Queen Regent. And you're a fool to believe she is your friend.
We shall hear what Joffrey has to say about this!
Tyrion Lannister
No, we shan't. [nods to Bronn, who nods to four Gold Cloaks marching into the room] There's a ship leaving for Eastwatch-by-the-Sea tonight. From there, I'm afraid, it's rather a long walk to Castle Black. I hope you enjoy the Wall. I found it surprisingly beautiful. In a brutal, horribly uncomfortable sort of way.
The lads will escort you. The streets aren't safe at night, my lord.
These men are under my command! I command you to arrest this cutthroat!
Tyrion Lannister
His name is Bronn, and he is the new Commander of the City Watch.
[The Gold Cloaks seize Lord Janos and lead him out of the room]
I have friends at court! Powerful friends! The King himself made me a lord!
Tyrion Lannister
To the new Commander. [they toast and drink] If I told you to murder an infant girl, say, still at her mother's breast, would you do it, without question?
Without question? No. I'd ask how much.
Lord Janos Slynt was Commander of the City Watch. You had no right to exile him!
Tyrion Lannister
I have every right. I am the King's Hand.
You're serving as the King's Hand until Father gets here. I am the Queen Regent.
Tyrion Lannister
Listen to me, Queen Regent. You're losing the people. Do you hear me?
The people? You think I care?
Tyrion Lannister
You might find it difficult to rule over millions who want you dead. Half this city will starve when winter comes, the other half will plot to overthrow you...and your gold-plated thugs just gave them their rallying cry. "The Queen slaughters babies!" You don't even have the decency to deny it! It wasn't you who gave the order, was it? Joffrey didn't even tell you? Did he tell you? I imagine that would be even worse.
He did what needed to be done. You want to be Hand of the King? You want to rule? This is what ruling is, lying on a bed of weeds, ripping them out by the root, one by one, before they strangle you in your sleep.
Tyrion Lannister
I'm no king, but I think there's more to ruling than that.
I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK! You've never taken it seriously. You haven't, Jaime hasn't. It's all fallen on me.
Tyrion Lannister
As has Jaime repeatedly, according to Stannis Baratheon.
[chuckles and smirks] You're funny. You've always been funny... but none of your jokes will ever match the first one, will they? Do you remember, back when you ripped my mother open on your way out of her and she bled to death?
Tyrion Lannister
She was my mother, too.
Mother gone, for the sake of you. There's no bigger joke in the world than that.
Tyrion Lannister
I can trust you, Pycelle. Can I not?
Why yes, of course, my lord.
Tyrion Lannister
These are perilous times. And the Crown must forge new alliances. And these alliances must often be sealed in matrimony.
Tyrion Lannister
I'm trusting the council with these plans, but the Queen mustn't know. We can't have her meddling in affairs that could determine the future of the Realm. There's too much at stake.
Oh, yes, yes. Indeed, yes. I shall be silent as the grave.
[Tyrion walks over to pour two cups of wine]
Tyrion Lannister
I'm brokering an alliance with House Martell of Dorne. Princess Myrcella will wed their youngest son when she comes of age, ensuring their loyalty and their army, should we need it.
Myrcella sent away to Dorne?
[Tyrion returns to the chairs with a cup of wine in each hand]
Tyrion Lannister
But remember, the Queen mustn't know.
[Varys is revealed to be occupying the seat Pycelle was sitting in earlier]
Ooh, "The Queen mustn't know." I love conversations that begin this way.
Tyrion Lannister
I plan to marry Princess Myrcella off to Theon Greyjoy.
Theon Greyjoy? Forgive me, my lord, but how? He grew up in Winterfell. He fights for Robb Stark.
Tyrion Lannister
Precisely. [turns and slowly walks away from Varys] Theon's father loathes the Starks and will convince the boy to come to our side. Greyjoy can destroy the Northern army from within and we can have his father's ships. But remember, you must tell no one.
[Tyrion turns around to face Littlefinger, who is now sitting where Varys sat]
Tyrion Lannister
I plan to wed Princess Myrcella to Robin Arryn of the Vale. Lysa is not fond of me. But perhaps the promise of a royal match will convince her to let bygones be bygones.
She imprisoned you. She tried to execute you, and you offer her son a princess?
Tyrion Lannister
For men in our position, holding grudges can be an encumbrance, don't you think?
And I suppose you want me to broker this agreement?
Tyrion Lannister
Who better?
[starts pacing around the desk] Yes, I could sing this song to Lysa, if I cared to. What's in it for me?
Tyrion Lannister
The gratitude of the people of Westeros for helping to end this war, the adoration of the King for bringing the Vale back into the fold... and Harrenhal.
Tyrion Lannister
Never took you for a superstitious man. By all means, tear it down and rebuild. You'll be able to afford it. I plan to make you Lord of the Riverlands.
With a single stroke, you'd make me one of the greatest lords in the Realm.
Tyrion Lannister
You served my family well in the matter of the succession.
So did Janos Slynt, and he was given Harrenhal, too. Until you snatched it away.
Tyrion Lannister
I need you to deliver Lysa Arryn. I didn't need Janos Slynt. It's settled, then? [pause; Littlefinger nods] Good. Oh, and remember—
[Tyrion smirks, drinks the rest of his wine and leaves his chambers]
Game of Thrones · 356 quotes
