I grow poor protecting you.
Tyrion LannisterPoor? Under my patronage, you've become a knight, you've served as commander of the City Watch.
Tyrion Lannister
I'm sure you've filled your pockets.
And now, my pockets are empty. You've given me a taste for the finer things and if you want me to carry on protecting you, you'll have to pay more.
Tyrion Lannister
I thought we were friends.
We are but I'm a sellsword. I sell my sword, I don't loan it out to friends as a favor.
Tyrion Lannister
The badge looks good on you. Almost as good as it looked on me. Are you enjoying your new position?
Tyrion Lannister
I was very happy as Hand of the King.
Yes. I heard how happy you were. You brought a whore into my bed.
Tyrion Lannister
It wasn't your bed at the time.
I sent you here to advise the king. I gave you real power and authority. You chose to spend your days as you always have: bedding harlots and drinking with thieves.
Tyrion Lannister
Occasionally I drank with the harlots.
What do you want, Tyrion?
Tyrion Lannister
Why does everyone assume I want something? Can't I simply visit with my beloved father? My beloved father who somehow forgot to visit his wounded son after he fell on the battlefield.
Maester Pycelle assured me your wounds were not fatal.
Tyrion Lannister
I organized the defense of this city while you held court in the ruins of Harrenhal. I led the foray when the enemies were at the gate while your grandson, the king, quivered in fear behind the walls. I bled in the mud for our family. And as my reward, I was trundled off to some dark little cell. But what do I want? A little bloody gratitude would be a start.
Jugglers and singers require applause. You are a Lannister. Do you think I demanded a garland of roses every time I suffered a wound on a battlefield? Hmm? Now, I have seven kingdoms to look after and three of them are in open rebellion. So tell me what you want.
Tyrion Lannister
I want what is mine by right. Jaime is your eldest son, heir to your lands and titles. But he is a Kingsguard, forbidden from marriage or inheritance. The day Jaime put on the white cloak, he gave up his claim to Casterly Rock. I am your son and lawful heir.
Tyrion Lannister
It is mine by right.
We'll find you accommodations more suited to your name and as a reward for your accomplishments during the battle of Blackwater Bay. And when the time is right, you will be given a position fit for your talents so that you can serve your family and protect our legacy. And if you serve faithfully, you will be rewarded with a suitable wife. And I would let myself be consumed by maggots before mocking the family name and making you heir to Casterly Rock.
Tyrion Lannister
Why?
Why? You ask that? You, who killed your mother to come into the world? You are an ill-made, spiteful little creature full of envy, lust, and low cunning. Men's laws give you the right to bear my name and display my colors since I cannot prove that you are not mine. And to teach me humility, the gods have condemned me to watch you waddle about wearing that proud lion that was my father's sigil and his father's before him. But neither gods nor men will ever compel me to let you turn Casterly Rock into your whorehouse. Go, now. Speak no more of your rights to Casterly Rock. Go. [Tyrion walks away] Oh, one more thing. The next whore I catch in your bed, I'll hang.
What news of Jaime? [All the others remain silent] Twenty thousand unwashed Northerners have known about his escape for weeks. Collectively, you control more spies and informants than the rest of the world combined. Do you mean to tell me that none of you has any notion where he is?
Try harder! What do we have then?
Robb Stark and most of his bannermen are in Riverrun for the funeral of his grandfather, Lord Hoster Tully. In Stark's absence, Roose Bolton holds Harrenhal, which would make him Lord of Harrenhal, in practice if not in name-
Let him have it. The name suits our purposes far more than that useless pile of rubble. The Lord of Harrenhal will make a worthy suitor for the widow Arryn.
For which I am extremely grateful to you, my lord. Lady Arryn and I have known each other since we were children; she has always been positively predisposed towards me.
A successful courtship would make Lord Baelish Acting Lord of the Vale.
Titles do seem to breed titles.
You'll leave for the Eyrie as soon as possible and bring Lysa Arryn into the fold, then the Young Wolf can add his own aunt to the list of people who've taken up arms against him!
Tyrion Lannister
Far be it from me to hinder true love, but Lord Baelish's absence would present certain problems. The royal wedding may end up being the most expensive event in living memory. Summer had ended, hard days lie ahead, not a good time to leave the crown's finances unattended.
Fully agreed, which is why I am naming you Master of Coin.
Tyrion Lannister
Master of Coin?!
It would appear to be a position that best suits your talents.
Tyrion Lannister
I'm quite good at spending money, but a lifetime of outrageous wealth hasn't taught me about managing it!
I have no doubt you will prove equal to this challenge.
Before all this nastiness, I was going to tell you the story of how I was cut. Do you want to hear it still?
Tyrion Lannister
I don't know. Do I?
As a boy, in Myr, I traveled with a troupe of actors through the Free Cities. One day, a man approached my master with an offer too tempting to refuse. I feared the man meant to use me, as I'd heard some men use small boys, but what he wanted was far worse. He gave me a potion that made me powerless to move or speak, yet did nothing to dull my senses. With a hooked blade, he sliced me, root and stem, chanting all the while. He burned my parts on a brazier; the flames burned blue, and I heard a voice answer his call. Still dream of that night. Not of the sorcerer, not of his blade...I dream of the voice. Was it a god? A demon? Some conjurer's trick? I don't know, but the sorcerer called and a voice answered. And ever since that day, I have hated magic, and all who practice it. But, you can see why I was eager to aid in your fight against Stannis and his Red Priestess, a symbolic revenge, of sorts.
Tyrion Lannister
Yes, I feel the need for actual revenge. Against the actual person who tried to have me killed, which will require a certain degree of influence, which...
You do not possess at the moment. But influence is largely a matter of patience, I find. Once I had served the sorcerer's purpose, he threw me out of his house, to die. I resolved to live, to spite him. I begged, I sold what parts of my body remained to me, I became an excellent thief. And soon, learned that the contents of a man's letters are more valuable than the contents of his purse. Step by step, one distasteful task after another, I made my way from the slums of Myr to the Small Council Chamber. Influence grows, like a weed. I tended mine, patiently, until its tendrils reached from the Red Keep, all the way across to the far side of the world where I managed to wrap them around something very special.
[He pulls the crate lid open; Tyrion looks inside with him to find a ragged old man, bound and gagged.]
Tyrion Lannister
The sorcerer.
Hello, my old friend. It's been a long time. I have no doubt, the revenge you want will be yours in time if you have the stomach for it.
[He closes the crate on the sorcerer, who is screaming through the gag]
Congratulations, my lady.
We've done it. You've married a Lannister! Soon you will have a Lannister baby. It's a dream come true for you, isn't it? What a glorious day!
I suppose it doesn't really matter which Lannister puts the baby into you. Maybe I'll pay you a visit after my uncle passes out. How'd you like that? [Sansa doesn't answer] You wouldn't? Well, that's all right. Ser Meryn and Ser Boris will hold you down. [to the crowd] Time for the bedding ceremony!
Tyrion Lannister
There will be no bedding ceremony.
Where's your respect for tradition, uncle? Come, everyone! Pick her up, and carry her to her wedding bed. Get rid of her gown, she won't be needing it any longer. Ladies! Attend to my uncle, he's not heavy!
Tyrion Lannister
There will be no bedding ceremony.
There will be if I command it!
[Tyrion angrily slams his dagger into the table]
Tyrion Lannister
Then you'll be fucking your own bride with a wooden cock!
What did you say? What...did you...SAY?!
I believe we can dispense with the bedding ceremony, Your Grace. I'm sure Tyrion did not mean to threaten the king.
Tyrion Lannister
[laughs] A bad joke, Your Grace. Made out of envy of your own royal manhood. Mine is so small, my poor wife won't even know I'm there.
Your uncle is clearly quite drunk, Your Grace.
Tyrion Lannister
I am...guilty. But... But, it is my wedding night. My tiny drunk cock and I have a job to do. Come, wife. I vomited on a girl once. Middle of the act. Not proud of it. But I think honesty is important between a man and wife. Don't you agree? Come, I'll tell you all about it, put you in the mood.
Tyrion Lannister
Tyrion, Sansa. My name is Tyrion. [pours himself a cup of wine]
Tyrion Lannister
Nothing was ever wiser. Astoundingly long...
Tyrion Lannister
Neck. You have one. How old are you, exactly?
Tyrion Lannister
Well, talk won't make you any older. My lord father has commanded me to consummate this marriage.
[Sansa pours herself a cup of wine and hastily drinks it; she begins undressing]
Tyrion Lannister
[shakes his head] Stop. I can't... I could, but I won't.
Tyrion Lannister
If my father wants someone to get fucked, I know where he can start. I won't share your bed. Not until you want me to.
What if I never want you to?
Tyrion Lannister
"And so my Watch begins."
Tyrion Lannister
Killed a few puppies today?
[gestures to Pycelle] Show him. Go on, show him!
[Pycelle takes out a small scroll and holds it out, but drops it when Tyrion reaches for it]
Ohhh! I'm sorry, my Lord, old fingers. [Tyrion glares at him, snatches the scroll up from the floor and reads it]
Tyrion Lannister
"Roslin caught a fine fat trout. Her brothers gave her a pair of wolf pelts for her wedding. Signed Walder Frey." Is that bad poetry, or is it supposed to mean something?
Robb Stark is dead! And his bitch mother! [to Pycelle] Write back to Lord Frey. Thank him for his service and command him to send Robb Stark's head to me. I'm going to serve it to Sansa at my wedding feast.
Your Grace, Lady Sansa is your aunt by marriage.
A joke. Joffrey did not mean it.
Yes, I did. I'm going to have it served to Sansa at my wedding feast.
Tyrion Lannister
No. She is no longer yours to torment.
Everyone is mine to torment. You'd do well to remember that, you little monster.
Tyrion Lannister
Oh, I'm a monster? Perhaps you should speak to me more softly, then. Monsters are dangerous and just now kings are dying like flies.
I could have your tongue out for saying that!
Let him make his threats. Hmm? He's a bitter little man.
Lord Tyrion should apologize immediately. Unacceptable, disrespectful, and in very bad taste!
I am the KING!! I will punish you!
Any man who must say, "I am the king" is no true king. I'll make sure you understand that when I've won your war for you.
My father won the real war! He killed Prince Rhaegar. He took the crown, while you hid under Casterly Rock!
[Glares at Joffrey, unfazed] ...The king is tired. See him to his chambers.
We have so much to celebrate. A wedding to plan. You must rest.
Grand Maester, perhaps some essence of nightshade to help him sleep.
Tyrion Lannister
You just sent the most powerful man in Westeros to bed without his supper.
You're a fool if you believe he's the most powerful man in Westeros.
Tyrion Lannister
A treasonous statement! Joffrey is king.
You really think a crown gives you power?
Tyrion Lannister
No, I think armies give you power. [Tywin nods] Robb Stark had one, never lost a battle, and you defeated him all the same. [Tywin nods again] Oh, I know. Walder Frey gets all the credit, or the blame, I suppose, depending on your allegiance. Walder Frey is many things, but a brave man? No. He never would have risked such an action, unless he had certain assurances...
Which he got from me. Do you disapprove?
Tyrion Lannister
I'm all for cheating, this is war. But to slaughter them at a wedding...
Explain to me why it is more noble to kill ten thousand men in battle than a dozen at dinner.
Tyrion Lannister
So that's why you did it? To save lives?
To end the war. To protect the family. Do you want to write a song for the dead Starks? Go ahead! Write one. I'm in this world a little while longer, to defend the Lannisters, to defend my blood.
Tyrion Lannister
The Northerners will never forget.
Good. Let them remember what happens when they march on the South. All the Stark men are dead. Winterfell is a ruin. Roose Bolton will be named Warden of the North, until your son by Sansa comes of age. I believe you still have some work to do on that score.
Tyrion Lannister
Do you think she'll open her legs for me after I tell her how we murdered her mother and brother?!
One way or another, you will get that girl pregnant-
Tyrion Lannister
I will not rape her!
Shall I explain to you in one easy lesson how the world works?
Tyrion Lannister
Use small words. I'm not as bright as you!
The house that puts family first will always defeat the house that puts the whims and wishes of its' sons and daughters first. A good man does everything in his power to better his family's position, regardless of his own selfish desires. [Tyrion smiles] Does that amuse you?
Tyrion Lannister
No, it's a very good lesson. Only it's easy for you to preach utter devotion to family, when you're making all the decisions!
Tyrion Lannister
When have you ever done something that wasn't in your interest, but solely for the benefit of the family?
The day that you were born. I wanted to carry you into the sea and let the waves wash you away. Instead, I let you live. And I've brought you up as my son. Because you're a Lannister!
FLFirst Lannister soldier
You lost, friend?
Forgive me for staring...I don't see many Lannisters where I'm from.
FLFirst Lannister soldier
I don't see many Dornishmen in the capital.
SLSecond Lannister soldier
Gods, look at this one!
OOlyvar
Sirs, if you follow me I'll arrange for a private room-
SLSecond Lannister soldier
Why are you wasting a woman like this on a Dornishman? Bring him a shaved goat and a bottle of olive oil!
[Oberyn smiles and steps forward as Ellaria watches.]
Do you know why all the world hates a Lannister? You think your gold and your lions, and your gold lions make you better than everyone. May I tell you a secret? You're not a golden lion. You're just a pink little man who's far too slow on the draw.
[After a long beat, the second soldier makes a grab for his sword, but Oberyn instantly rams a dagger through his wrist, skewering his arm to the table, making the soldier scream in agony.]
Long sword is a bad option in close quarters. When I pull my blade, your friend starts bleeding, quite a lot, I'm afraid; so many veins in the wrist. [He twists the dagger slightly, causing the soldier to scream again] He'll live if you get him help, straight away. So...decisions.
Tyrion Lannister
Prince Oberyn! Forgive the intrusion, we heard there might be... [He breaks off as Oberyn wrenches his dagger free, causing the soldier to scream again] ...trouble.
[to Ellaria] Apologies, my love. [they kiss]
It seems I visited the Lannister brothel by mistake.
Tyrion Lannister
Oh, they take all kinds.
Tyrion Lannister
The King is very grateful that you traveled all this way for his wedding.
Ah, let us speak truth here; Joffrey is insulted. I am only the second son, after all.
Tyrion Lannister
Well, speaking as a fellow second son, I have grown rather used to being the family insult. [Oberyn chuckles] Why did you come to King's Landing, Prince Oberyn?
I was invited to the royal wedding.
Tyrion Lannister
I thought we were speaking truth.
The last time I was in the capital was many years ago. Another wedding. My sister Elia and Rhaegar Targaryen, the last dragon. My sister loved him. She bore his children. Swaddled them, rocked them, fed them at her own breast, Elia wouldn't let the wet nurse touch them. And beautiful, noble Rhaegar Targaryen...left her for another woman. That started a war and the war ended right here when your father's army took the city.
Tyrion Lannister
I wasn't actually present-
They butchered those children. My nephew and niece. Carved them up and wrapped them in Lannister cloaks. And my sister, you know what they did to her? [Tyrion doesn't answer; Oberyn lifts his chin with a finger until their eyes are locked] I'm asking you a question.
Tyrion Lannister
I've heard rumors.
So have I. The one I keep hearing is that Ser Gregor Clegane, the Mountain, raped Elia and split her in half with his greatsword.
Tyrion Lannister
I wasn't there. I don't know what happened.
If the Mountain killed my sister, your father gave the order. Tell your father I'm here. And tell him the Lannisters aren't the only ones who pay their debts.
Well fought. Well fought. Here you are. Champion's purse. Though you're not the champion yet, are you? A true champion defeats all the challengers. Surely there are others out there who still dare to challenge my reign. Uncle. How about you? I'm sure they have a spare costume.
Tyrion Lannister
One taste of combat was enough for me, Your Grace. I would like to keep what remains of my face. I think you should fight him. This was but a poor imitation of your own bravery on the field of battle. I speak as a firsthand witness. Climb down from the high table with your new Valyrian sword and show everyone how a true king wins his throne. Be careful, though. [Nods towards the champion dwarf.] This one is clearly mad with lust. It would be a tragedy for the king to lose his virtue hours before his wedding night.
[Enraged and humiliated, Joffrey walks over to Tyrion and empties his goblet over his uncle's head.]
Tyrion Lannister
A fine vintage. Shame that it spilled.
My love, come back to me. It's time for my father's toast.
Well, how does he expect me to toast without wine? [To Tyrion] Uncle, you can be my cupbearer seeing as you're too cowardly to fight.
Tyrion Lannister
Your Grace does me a fine honor.
It's not meant as an honor.
[A brief pause, and Tyrion gets up to take the cup, but Joffrey drops it. As Tyrion bends to pick it up, Joffrey kicks it underneath a table.]
[Tyrion goes underneath the table searching for the goblet. Sansa picks it up and hands it to Tyrion, who, in turn, hands it to Joffrey.]
What good is an empty cup? Fill it. [Tyrion fills the cup with wine and hands it to Joffrey] Kneel. [Tyrion looks at him] Kneel before your king. [Pause] Kneel. [Pause as Tyrion glares at Joffrey; Getting angry] I said... kneel! [Tyrion keeps glaring at him]
Uncle. Where are you going? You're my cupbearer, remember?
Tyrion Lannister
I thought I might change out of these wet clothes, Your Grace.
No, no, no. No, you're perfect the way you are. Serve me my wine. Well, hurry up. This pie is dry. [He hands the cup to Joffrey, who gulps at it] Mm, good. Needs washing down.
Tyrion Lannister
If it please Your Grace, Lady Sansa is very tired.
No. [coughs] No, you'll wait here... [coughs again] un-- [continues coughing]
Tyrion Lannister
Your Grace?
[short of breath, he takes a gulp of wine to try and alleviate his coughing] It's nothing.
Help the poor boy. [Joffrey staggers away from the table, choking frantically.] Idiots, help your king.
Move away! [He pushes his way through the crowd and runs towards Joffrey as he collapses, choking and vomiting.] Joffrey! Joffrey!
Help him! Someone help him! Joffrey!
[in the confusion, court fool Dontos Hollard appears behind Sansa]
DHDontos Hollard
[to Sansa] Come with me now.
DHDontos Hollard
[to Sansa] If you want to live, we have to leave.
Don't touch him! Joffrey. Please, Joffrey. Joffrey, what is it? Help him!
[Joffrey begins to bleed from his nose and eyes; after managing to point at Tyrion inspecting the cup, he wheezes out his last breath and finally dies.]
MMan
He's gone. Our king is gone!
[turning to glare at Tyrion with rising anger] He did this. He poisoned my son, your king. Take him. Take him! TAKE HIM! TAKE HIM!
Tyrion Lannister
[in his cell] Podrick. Apologies for the stench.
I brought you some wine, m'Lord, but they took it from me.
Tyrion Lannister
A noble effort.
They didn't find the candles, though [starts laying items on a bench] A quill, some parchment, duck sausage, almonds, and some hard cheese.
Tyrion Lannister
You're a good lad. Any word of Shae?
I've heard nothing, my Lord.
Tyrion Lannister
I suppose that's a good thing. What are they saying about me, out there?
You're to stand trial, in a fortnight- for murdering the King.
Tyrion Lannister
Do you believe I murdered Joffrey?
Tyrion Lannister
No. Gods, no. The world is a better place without him, but I had nothing to do with it. I'd like to think, if I were planning a Royal assassination, I would arrange it in such a way that I wouldn't be standing there, gawking like a fool when the King died. Trial in a fortnight... have they announced the judges yet?
Tyrion Lannister
Of course.
Tyrion Lannister
Who will vote exactly as my father tells him to vote.
And Prince Oberyn of Dorne.
Tyrion Lannister
Oberyn? [laughs] Leave it to my father.Never fails to take advantage of a family tragedy.
I'm supposed to get a list of names from you, my Lord. Anyone who might testify on your behalf.
Tyrion Lannister
Oh! I can call my own witnesses? How generous of them! Very well. My wife, Sansa.
Tyrion Lannister
Gone?
No one's seen her, since the wedding. You don't think she...
Tyrion Lannister
No one had more cause to kill Joffrey than Sansa, but the girl's no assassin. No, whoever killed the King wanted me to lose my head for it and with my wife's disappearance, it makes me seem that much more guilty. Podrick.
Tyrion Lannister
They'll be following you, now.
Tyrion Lannister
I don't know! They, they! The ominous "They"! The men pulling the strings, or women. My father. Maybe Joffrey was too much work for him. Sweet Tommen will be so much easier to handle. Whenever something bad happens to me, I assume it's my sister that had a hand in it. But say what you will of Cersei, she loves her children. She is the only one I'm certain had nothing to do with this murder... which makes this unique, as King's Landing murders go.
To tell you the truth, this isn't so bad. Four walls. A pot to piss in. I was chained to a wooden post covered in my own shit for months.
Tyrion Lannister
Is that supposed to make me feel better?
Maybe a bit. I'm sorry I didn't come sooner.
Tyrion Lannister
It's complicated, yes. So how is our sister?
How do you think? Her son died in her arms.
Tyrion Lannister
Her son?
Don't. [Pause] You know what's coming?
Tyrion Lannister
My trial for regicide. Yes, I know. I know the whole bloody country thinks I'm guilty. I know that one of my three judges has wished me dead more times than I can count. And that judge is my father. As for Cersei, well, she's probably working on a way to avoid a trial altogether by having me killed.
Now that you mention it, she did ask.
Tyrion Lannister
So, should I turn around and close my eyes?
Tyrion Lannister
The Kingslayer brothers. You like it? I like it. You're really asking if I killed your son?
Are you really asking if I'd kill my brother? How can I help you?
Tyrion Lannister
Well, you could set me free.
Tyrion Lannister
Then there's really nothing else to say.
What do you want me to do? Kill the guards? Sneak you out of the city in the back of a cart? I'm the Lord Commander of the Kingsguard.
Tyrion Lannister
Sorry, I'd forgotten. I'd hate for you to do something inappropriate.
Inappropriate? You're accused of killing the king. Freeing you is treason.
Tyrion Lannister
Except I didn't do it.
Which is why we're having a trial.
Tyrion Lannister
A trial. If the killer threw himself before the Iron Throne, confessed to his crimes, and gave irrefutable evidence of his guilt, it wouldn't matter to Cersei. She won't rest until my head's on a spike.
Not just yours. She's offering a knighthood to whomever finds Sansa Stark.
Tyrion Lannister
Sansa couldn't have done this.
She had more reason than anyone in the Seven Kingdoms. Do you think it's a coincidence she disappeared the same night Joffrey died?
Tyrion Lannister
No, but... Sansa's not a killer. Not yet, anyway.
Tyrion Lannister
[after Shae testifies against him] Father... I wish to confess. I wish to confess.
Tyrion Lannister
[to the audience of the trial] I saved you. I saved this city, and all your worthless lives! I should have let Stannis kill you all!
Tyrion! Do you wish to confess?
Tyrion Lannister
Yes... Father. I'm guilty. Guilty! Is that what you want to hear?
You admit you've poisoned the King?
Tyrion Lannister
No. Of that, I'm innocent. I'm guilty of a far more monstrous crime. I'm guilty of being a dwarf!
[exasperated] You are not on trial for being a dwarf.
Tyrion Lannister
Oh, yes I am! I've been on trial for that my entire life!
Have you nothing to say on your defense?
Tyrion Lannister
Nothing but this: I did not do it. [addressing Cersei] I did NOT kill Joffrey, BUT I WISH THAT I HAD! Watching your vicious bastard die gave me more relief than a thousand lying whores! [Tyrion glares at Cersei and Shae, then turns to the crowd] I wish I was the monster you think I am! I wish I had enough poison for the whole pack of you! I would gladly give my life to WATCH YOU ALL SWALLOW IT!
[The entire crowd roars with outrage]
Ser Meryn! Ser Meryn, escort the prisoner back to his cell!
Tyrion Lannister
I will NOT give my life for Joffrey's murder, and I know I'll get no justice here, so I will let the gods decide my fate! I demand a trial by combat.
Game of Thrones · 356 quotes
