I heard there was some trouble in Littlefinger's brothel the other night.
Nasty business. Had to be done.
Yes, of course. The City Watch must keep the peace. Only, I hadn't realized peace depended on killing babies.
Quite right, especially the Queen's orders.
I never said they were the Queen's orders.
No, but who else would want to murder King Robert's bastards? She's always been a jealous woman.
You know your sister better than I do.
You've heard the awful rumors about my brother and sister.
Well, that's good of you, but you have heard them. I suppose people who do believe that filth consider Robert's bastards to be better claimants to the Throne than Cersei's children.
Joffrey is my King. The rest doesn't interest me.
I appreciate your loyalty. Tell me, when your men slaughtered Ned Stark's men in the throne room, did you give the order?
I did, and I would again. The man was a traitor. He tried to buy my loyalty.
The fool! He had no idea you were already bought.
Are you drunk?! I'll not have my honour questioned by an imp!
I'm not questioning your honour, Lord Janos; I'm denying its existence.
[standing up] If you think I'll stand here and take this from you, dwarf-
"Dwarf"? You should've stopped at "Imp"! And, yes, you will stand here and take it from me, unless you'd like to take it from my friend here!
[Janos looks to his right and sees Bronn standing there]
I intend to serve as Hand of the King until my father returns from the war. And seeing as you betrayed the last Hand of the King, well, I just wouldn't feel safe with you lurking about.
What are you... my friends at court will not allow this! The Queen herself—
The Queen Regent. And you're a fool to believe she is your friend.
We shall hear what Joffrey has to say about this!
No, we shan't. [nods to Bronn, who nods to four Gold Cloaks marching into the room] There's a ship leaving for Eastwatch-by-the-Sea tonight. From there, I'm afraid, it's rather a long walk to Castle Black. I hope you enjoy the Wall. I found it surprisingly beautiful. In a brutal, horribly uncomfortable sort of way.
BronnThe lads will escort you. The streets aren't safe at night, my lord.
These men are under my command! I command you to arrest this cutthroat!
His name is Bronn, and he is the new Commander of the City Watch.
Bronn
Boys?
[The Gold Cloaks seize Lord Janos and lead him out of the room]
I have friends at court! Powerful friends! The King himself made me a lord!
To the new Commander. [they toast and drink] If I told you to murder an infant girl, say, still at her mother's breast, would you do it, without question?
Bronn
Without question? No. I'd ask how much.
What is the meaning of this? What kind of knight beats a helpless girl?
MTMeryn Trant
The kind who serves his king, Imp!
Bronn
Careful now, we don't want to get blood all over your pretty white cloak.
Someone get the girl something to cover herself with. [Sandor Clegane gives Sansa his cloak] She's to be your Queen. Have you no regard for her honour?
For what crimes? She did not fight her brother's battle, you halfwit!
You can't talk to me like that! The king can do as he likes!
The Mad King did as he liked. Has your Uncle Jaime ever told you what happened to him?
MTMeryn Trant
[reaching for his sword] No one threatens His Grace in the presence of the Kingsguard!
I'm not threatening the King, ser. I'm educating my nephew. Bronn, the next time Ser Meryn speaks, kill him. [pause; Meryn glances at Bronn, who stares back] That was a threat. See the difference?
I remember reading an old sailor's proverb: "Piss on wildfire and your cock burns off."
WHWisdom Hallyne
Oh... no, well, I've not conducted this experiment. It could well be true. The substance burns so hot, it melts wood, stone, even steel. And of course, flesh. The substance burns so hot, it melts flesh like tallow. After the dragons died, wildfire was the key to the Targaryen power. [Bronn scoffs]
My companion takes issue.
Bronn
If I could tell you how many crazy old men I've seen pushing carts around army camps, making grand claims about jars full of pig shit... no offense meant.
WHWisdom Hallyne
Our order does not deal in pig shit! The substance is fire given form, and we have been perfecting it since the days of Maegor.
Bronn
To do what?
WHWisdom Hallyne
The jars are put in catapults and flung at the enemy.
How much do you have? [Hallyne gestures for them to follow]
Bronn
If you could get real soldiers to man the catapults, then maybe you'd hit your target one time in ten. But all the real soldiers are in the Riverlands with your father.
WHWisdom Hallyne
My lord, this man is insulting.
Bronn
I don't know if you've ever seen a battle, old man, but things can get a bit messy. 'Cause when we're flinging things at Stannis, he's flinging 'em right back at us. Men die. Men shit themselves. Men run. Which means pots falling. Which means fire inside the walls. Which means the poor cunts trying to defend the city end up burning it down.
My friend remains unconvinced.
WHWisdom Hallyne
He would not dare insult my order whilst Aerys Targaryen lived.
Bronn
Well, he's not living anymore. And all his pots of wildfire didn't help him, did they? Men win wars, not magic tricks.
[Hallyne opens the vault, showing countless rows of shelves, filled with jars of wildfire, to Tyrion's shock]
WHWisdom Hallyne
We have been working tirelessly, day and night, ever since your royal sister commanded us to do so. Our present count stands at 7,811. Enough to burn Stannis Baratheon's fleet and armies both.
Bronn
[warningly] This is a shit idea.
I'm afraid I have to concur with my advisor, Wisdom Hallyne. The contents of this room could lay King's Landing low. You won't be making wildfire for my sister any longer. You'll be making it for me.
[Tyrion and Bronn are planning for Stannis' invasion]
My lord Hand. Commander. I must compliment you on the Gold Cloaks' performance these past few weeks. Did you know there has been a marked drop in thievery?
I did not know. [to Bronn] And how did you accomplish this "marked drop in thievery"?
Bronn
Me and the lads rounded up all the known thieves.
[sharply] For questioning?
Bronn
Uh, no. [Varys looks shocked] It's just the unknown thieves we need to worry about now.
Bronn
Aye, we talked about it. Have you ever been in a city under siege? Maybe this part's not in your books. See, it's not the fighting that kills most people, it's the starving. Food's worth more than gold. Noble ladies sell their diamonds for a sack of potatoes. Things get bad enough, the poor start eating each other. The thieves? They love a siege. Soon as the gates are sealed, they steal all the food. By the time it's all over, they're the richest men in town.
Given the circumstances, my lord, I believe extreme measures are warranted. [sees what Tyrion is reading] Ahh, The Great Sieges of Westeros. Thrilling subject. Shame Archmaester Ch'Vyalthan wasn't a better writer.
[unrolls a map of King's Landing] Stannis knows King's Landing. He knows where the walls are strongest, and he knows which gates are weakest. Mud Gate... good ram will batter it down in minutes, and it's only fifty yards from the water. That's where he'll land.
And if Stannis does attack the Mud Gate, what is our plan?
Bronn
We could throw books at his men.
We don't have that many books.
Bronn
We don't have that many men, either.
[glances up at Bronn] Pig shit.
Bronn
I grow poor protecting you.
Poor? Under my patronage, you've become a knight, you've served as commander of the City Watch.
Bronn
Briefly.
I'm sure you've filled your pockets.
Bronn
And now, my pockets are empty. You've given me a taste for the finer things and if you want me to carry on protecting you, you'll have to pay more.
I thought we were friends.
Bronn
We are but I'm a sellsword. I sell my sword, I don't loan it out to friends as a favor.
My brother tells me you keep your mouth shut. Unusual talent, for a sellsword.
Bronn
He tells me you shit gold, just like your father.
Bronn
There's this knight, er, Laygood. Got thunderbolts on his shield? [Jaime nods] Right here is where I fuck his wife. She's a screamer, that one. If they don't hear her, they won't hear us. [whistles as Jaime draws his sword] I've never seen Valyrian steel before. She's a beauty. Problem is, if you fight with an edged blade, I'll have to. And if I fight with an edged blade, I'll have no one left to pay me. [pulls two blunted swords out of his bag and drops one on the ground]
I haven't used a sparring sword since I was nine. [just as he grabs the practice sword, Bronn hits him on the wrist with his blade, forcing him to drop it] Bold warrior you are, attacking a man when his guard's down.
Bronn
Best time to attack a man. [attacks as Jaime picks up the sword; they spar for a moment, then Bronn shoves him against a rock wall] Mind yourself!
If I still had my right hand...
Bronn
Plan on growin' it back?
[Bronn enters Tyrion's cell, dressed in noble finery]
Bronn
My lord. [makes a mocking bow]
Bronn
You like them, eh? Gloves are doeskin, softer than a virgin's thighs.
Bronn
I've been a bit busy.
Bronn
My lonesome bachelor days are over. I'm to wed Lollys Stokeworth.
Lollys Stokeworth? She doesn't strike me as your sort of girl.
Bronn
I wouldn't say I had a single sort of girl.
Bronn
If I wanted wits, I'd marry you.
When my sister arranged this love match, did she mention that Lollys has an older sister?
Bronn
Falyse. Aye, I did know about the older sister.
And you do understand the rules of inheritance?
Bronn
Falyse is forty and barren.
She still gets Castle Stokeworth when her father dies.
Bronn
[nods] She does...unless she happens to perish before her father, then Lollys gets the castle. [sees Tyrion looking at him incredulously] What? Ladies fall from their horse and snap their pretty necks all the time.
You and my sister deserve each other. Why did you bother to come here?
Bronn
You once said if anyone ever asked me to sell you out, you'd double their price.
Is it two wives you want or two castles?!
Bronn
One of each would do... but if you want me to kill the Mountain for you, it'd better be a damn big castle.
I'm a bit short on castles at the moment, but I can offer you gold and gratitude.
Bronn
I have gold. What can I buy with gratitude?
You might be surprised. A Lannister always pays his debts.
Bronn
Your sister's a Lannister too.
My wife is heir to Winterfell. If I emerge from this with my head still on my shoulders, I may one day rule the North in her name. I could carve you out a big piece of it.
Bronn
If and may and could. It's bloody cold up north. Lollys is soft and warm and close. If I gave you the choice between fucking Lollys and fighting the Mountain, you'd have your britches down and your cock up before I could blink!
Does he frighten you so much?!
Bronn
I'd be a bloody fool if he didn't frighten me. He's freakish big and freakish strong, and quicker than you'd expect for a man of that size. Maybe I could take him, dance around until he's so tired from hacking at me he dropped his sword, get him off his feet somehow...but one misstep and I'm dead. Why should I risk it?
Because you're my friend.
Bronn
Aye, I'm your friend...and when have you ever risked your life for me? I like you, pampered little shit that you are. I just...like myself more.
Bronn
I'm sorry it has to be this way.
Why are you sorry? Because you're an evil bastard with no conscience and no heart? That's what I liked about you in the first place. [they shake hands for the last time]
Bronn
We had some good days together.
Bronn
What will you do?
I suppose I'll have to kill the Mountain myself. Won't that make for a great song?
Bronn
I hope to hear them sing it one day.
Bronn
Why are we on a merchant ship? Why no Lannister sails?
This ship's sailing to Oldtown. We'll get off earlier, not far from Sunspear. Row ourselves to the Dornish shores in the night.
Bronn
You ever been to Dorne?
Bronn
I have. The Dornish are crazy. All they want to do is fight and fuck, fuck and fight.
You should be happy to go back then.
Bronn
There's nothing like a good fight to get you in the mood for fucking. And there's nothing like a fuck-mad Dornish girl to clear your head for the next fight. It's how the two work together. And we're gonna do a lot of fighting, I am sure. Well, I am. But I don't imagine we'll get to stick around for the rest. Not after we've kidnapped their princess.
We are not kidnapping their princess. We are rescuing my niece, bringing her back to the family.
Bronn
Your niece?
DTDickon Tarly
Ser Jaime.
DTDickon Tarly
Dickon. [Bronn snickers]
I hear you fought bravely at Highgarden. Your first battle? [Dickon nods] And?
DTDickon Tarly
It was glorious.
Bronn
Come on. Your father's not here.
DTDickon Tarly
All my life, we've been pledged to House Tyrell. I knew some of those men. I hunted with them.
They didn't deserve to die. But Lady Olenna chose to betray her Queen and support the Targaryen girl, so here we are.
DTDickon Tarly
I didn't expect it to smell like that.
Bronn
Men shit themselves when they die. Didn't they teach you that at fancy-lad school? Well, I learnt it when I was five.
[Bronn stops and frowns in concentration]
Bronn
Listen.
[They all hear the sound of approaching cavalry in the distance]
Spears and shields! Spears and shields!
Bronn
Get in line!
Spears and shields! Spears and shields!
Bronn
Get in line now!
Form up! Come on, lads! Guard those wagons! Form a line!
[A horde of screaming Dothraki warriors rides over the hill and charges towards them]
Bronn
Get back to King's Landing.
I'm not abandoning my army!
Bronn
You're the commander, not a damn infantryman! Those fuckers are about to swamp us!
[At that moment, they hear a roar and look up in shock as Drogon comes flying towards them with Daenerys on his back]
[Bronn drags Jaime out of the river after the Battle of the Goldroad]
Bronn
The fuck were you doing back there?!
Ending the war. Killing her.
Bronn
You saw the dragon, between you and her? And? Listen to me, cunt: till I get what I'm owed, a dragon doesn't get to kill you. You don't get to kill you! Only I get to kill you!
That was only one of them. She has two more. If she decides to use them, to really use them...
Bronn
You're fucked.
Don't you mean "we're" fucked?
Bronn
No, I do not. Dragons are where our partnership ends. I'm not gonna be around when those things start spittin' fire on King's Landing!
Bronn
Might as well jump back in that river.
[Bronn is in the middle of an orgy with three prostitutes]
Ser Bronn of the Blackwater.
Bronn
You're kidding me?!
Apologies for the interruption, but the Queen did urge me to hurry.
Bronn
[sighs] Sorry ladies. Another time perhaps. [the prostitutes gather their clothes and leave. One stops to proposition Qyburn as she goes]
PProstitute
If you ever get lonely, I am partial to older gentlemen. [Qyburn watches her leave as Bronn pours himself wine]
Poor girl. Pox will take her within the year. [Bronn chokes on his wine]
Bronn
[coughing] Which girl?
The Queen's brothers made promises to you and then broke them. Her Grace wants to rectify their mistake.
Bronn
She once gave me a castle and a wife, then rectified me right out of them.
That was Ser Jaime's doing, not hers. When Queen Cersei wants something, she pays in advance and in gold...several chests of it, in fact, waiting for you in a wagon, just outside.
Bronn
So she wants to murder someone, but she can't send her soldiers? If it's the Dragon Queen she's after...
She has other plans for the Targaryen girl.
Bronn
Yeah, well good luck with that!
Our Queen's brothers are unlikely to survive their northern adventures, but in the event that they do... [a Lannister soldier enters and hands Qyburn Joffrey's crossbow, the same one Tyrion used to kill Tywin] She has a keen sense of poetic justice.
Bronn
[flabbergasted] That fucking family.
When the Citadel expelled me, I thought I would die poor and alone, but in exchange for my service, Queen Cersei made me her Hand. What would she do for the man who rids her of her treasonous brothers?
Game of Thrones · 356 quotes
