Phoebe: Okay, I wasn't rich like you guys, okay? I didn't eat gold and have a flying pony. I had a hard life! My mother was killed by a drug dealer.
Monica: Your mother killed herself!
Phoebe: She was a drug dealer!

Phoebe: Pick up the sock, pick up the sock, PICK UP THE SOOOOOOOOOCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!! [Her friends stare at her, scared] I'm sorry, was that rude? Di-di-did my little "outburst" blunt the HIDEOUSNESS that is this evening?!

Phoebe: You can touch yourself in front of us, but you can't talk to Rachel.
Ross: What? When have I ever touched myself in front of you guys?
Phoebe: Oh, please. Just before, when you were asleep in the lounge. That Armenian family was watching you instead of the TV.

Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] And there's a country called Argentinaaaa, it's a place I've never seeeeen. But I'm told for fifty pesos you can buy a human spleen. Humaaan spleeeeen. Olè! [Olé is spanish, but anyway..., and they speak Spanish in Agentina, but anyway...]

Rachel: [Rachel's cell phone rings] Hello?
Monica: Hey, Rach, it's me. Okay, I just got to Chandler's room, and I caught him... molesting himself.
Rachel: Ohh... that couldn't have been pretty. But you know? Guys do that.
Monica: Yeah? Uh, well, the weird part is... he was getting off... to a shark attack show!
Rachel: [gasp] No!
Monica: Yes! Chandler watches shark porn!

Rachel: I wonder why Ross said that he died?
Monica: Oh, maybe he was getting him confused with his childhood therapist.
Chandler: He saw a therapist?
Monica: He used to have this recurring nightmare. It really freaked him out.
Rachel: Wow, what was it?
Monica: That I was going to eat him.

Rachel: Mon, what am I gonna do? It's been hours and it won't stop crying.
Monica: "She," Rach. Not "it." She.
Rachel: Yeah. I'm not so sure.

Ross: And I ended up telling him that...
Phoebe: What?
Ross: You had a six-year-long relationship with a guy named Vikram.
Phoebe: What? Why?
Ross: Well, he seemed to... bum hard when I told him that you'd never been in a serious relationship.
Phoebe: If you hadn't just had a baby with my best friend, I swear to Lucifer, a rabid dog would be feasting on your danglers right now!

Ross: Guess what? Emma laughed today!
Rachel: What? And I missed it 'cause I was giving a makeover to that stupid hippie? What'd you do to get her to laugh?
Ross: Well, I sang... I rapped... 'Baby Got Back'.
Rachel: What? You sang to our baby daughter a song about a man who likes to have sex with women with giant asses?
Ross: Well... if you think about it, it actually promotes a healthy body image, because even women with big bottoms, or juicy doubles, can... [Sees how angry Rachel is] Please don't take her away from me.

Ross: Not my first time in a hotel, my friend.
Chandler: OK, how about this? [Picks up the remote control]
Ross: No, no, no, you can't take the remote control!
Chandler: Yes, but the batteries...
[Ross claps his hands]
Chandler: Thank you, thank you very much!
Ross: Let's celebrate with some maple candy!
Chandler: No!
Ross: At least tell me where you hid it.

Ross: Ya, ho.. ya. OK, sure, look, can we, can we talk about what happened here last night?
Chandler: Sure, just gimme a second to get all huffy and weird like you. *harrumphing* Do you believe that whoever did something over here last night did what they did or didn't do, I mean come on!

Ross: Yeah, kids say all kinds of crap.

[Chandler is begging to Elaine to not make him go to Tulsa.]
Chandler: Oh i love Tulsa, Tulsa is heaven,Tulsa is Italy, Please don't make me go there!

[Chandler is livid at a china plate being broken.]
Chandler: All right, that's it!! This is our apartment and you can't behave this way! If you can't act your age, you shouldn't be here at all! Those plates may not be as nice as the pretty pink ones that I picked out, but they're important to Monica! And I want you to apologize to her right now!
Amy: I'm sorry.
Rachel: I'm so sorry!
Chandler: That's better! Now I want you to apologize to each other, and mean it!
[The sisters apologize to each other.]
Chandler: By the way, that fight was totally arousing!
[The girls glare at Chandler and walk away.]
Ross: [to Chandler] Well done! If I die, Rachel dies and Monica dies, you can totally take care of Emma!
Chandler: Really? Thanks!
Ross: So... now do I get Joey?
Chandler: Okay. But you should know he eats five times a day and shoves pennies up his nose!