Friends quotes

613 total quotes

All Seasons
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[On tasting Rachel's English trifle/Shepherd's pie]
Ross: It tastes like feet!
Joey: I like it!
Ross: Are you serious?
Joey: What's not to like? Custard, good. Jam, good. Beef, GOOD!

Monica: [to Chandler] All right, I'm gonna show you something a lot of guys don't know. Rach, hand me that pad please.[starts to draw]
Chandler: Well, you don't have to draw an actual woma-- whoa, she's hot.
Monica: Now everybody knows the basic erogenous zones, you got one, two, three... four... five... six and seven.
Chandler: There are seven?
Rachel: Let me see that. Oh. Yep.
Chandler: [points] That's one?
Monica: Kind of an important one.
Chandler: Oh, you know what? I was looking at it upside down.
Rachel: Well, you know, sometimes that helps. [Chandler gapes.]
Monica: All right. Now most guys will hit one, two, three and then go to seven and set up camp.
Chandler: And that's bad?
Rachel: Well, if you go to Disneyland, you don't spend the whole day on the Matterhorn.
Chandler: Well, you might, if it were anything like seven.
Monica: All right. Uh, the important thing is to take your time. You want to hit them all and you want to mix them up. Keep them on their toes.
Rachel: Oooooo, toes! [Chandler stares.] For some people!
Monica: All right. You could start out with a little one, a two, a one two three, a three, a five, a four, a three two, two, a two four six, a two four six, four, two, two, four seven, five seven, six seven, [starts shouting] seven. Seven seven SEVEN SEVEN SEVEN SEVEN SEVEN SEVEN [leans back in ecstasy with eyes closed and holds up the number seven]... And there you are.
Rachel: Yeah, that'll work.
[They stand up awkwardly. Rachel and Monica go in their rooms. Chandler goes into the bathroom. They all shut their doors.]

[Phoebe and Ross are driving to John F. Kennedy Airport to find Rachel. Phoebe calls Rachel and tries to convince her to get off the plane in an attempt to stall her]
Rachel: [Rachel's cell phone rings] Hello?
Phoebe: Rachel! Oh good! Hey, by the way, did you just get on the plane?
Rachel: Yeah.
Phoebe: [to Ross:] For what it's worth, we would've caught her if we were at the right airport.
Ross: [sarcastically] Yay...
Phoebe: Uh, Rach, hang on. [Phoebe holds out her phone to Ross, but he refuses to talk and repeatedly mouths "No!"]
Rachel: Phoebe, is everything okay?
Phoebe: Um... actually, no. No, y-you have to get off the plane.
Rachel: What, why?
Phoebe: I have this feeling that something's wrong with it. Something is wrong with the left phalange.
[A passenger sitting beside her has been eavesdropping on her conversation and shows signs of worry.]
Worried passenger: Um, ahem, what was that?
Rachel: Oh! That was just my crazy friend. She told me I should get off the plane because she had a "feeling" that there was something wrong with the "left phalange".
Worried passenger: Okay, uh, that doesn't sound good.
Rachel: Oh, I wouldn't worry about it. She's always coming up with stuff like this and you know what? She's almost never right.
Worried passenger: But she is sometimes?
Rachel: Well?
[The man gets up from his seat and starts gathering his luggage from the overhead compartment.]
Flight attendant: Excuse me, sir? Where you going?
Worried passenger: Okay, I have to off this plane, okay? Uh, her friend has a feeling something's wrong with the left phalange.
Rachel: [to flight attendant] Could I get some peanuts?
2nd passenger: What's wrong with the plane?
Flight attendant: There's nothing wrong with the plane...
Worried passenger: The left phalange.
Flight attendant: There's no phalange!
Worried passenger: Oh my...! This plane doesn't even have a phalange!
2nd passenger: Well I'm not flying on it.
Flight attendant: Ma'am, please sit down!
3rd passenger: What's going on?!
Worried passenger: We're all getting off, there is no phalange!
Rachel: Ah! This is ridiculous! I-- [she sees the passengers leave the plane and decides to leave as well] Yeah, okay.

[a woman has just run away from Chandler because of his bracelet Joey gave him]
Chandler: He could've gotten me a hat or a set of golf clubs, but no, he has to get me THE WOMEN REPELLER! The eyesore from the LIBERACE HOUSE OF CRAP!
Phoebe: It's not that bad.
Chandler: Easy for you to say; you don't have to go around wearing a REJECT from the MR. T COLLECTION! [Imitating Mr. T] "I pity the fool who puts on my jewelry! I do, I do!"

Ross: And for the record, it took two people to break this relationship!
Rachel: Yeah! You and that girl from the copy place, which yesterday you took full responsibility for!
Ross: I didn't know what I was taking responsibility for! I didn't finish the letter!
Rachel: What?
Ross: I fell asleep!
Rachel: You fell a-SLEEP?!
Ross: It was five-thirty in the morning! And you had rambled on for eighteen pages! Front and back! [leaves the room, then turns around] And by the way, y-o-u-apostrophe-r-e is "you are". Y-o-u-r is "your"!
Rachel: I can't believe I even thought of getting back together with you! We are soooo over!
Ross: [fakes beginning of sniveling and interrupts it saying...] FINE BY ME!
Rachel: And those little spelling tips will come in handy when you're home on Saturday nights playing scrabble with Monica!
Monica: Hey!
Rachel: Sorry! But I feel bad about all that sleep you'll miss wishing you were with me!
Ross: Oh, no, don't worry about me "falling asleep." I still have your letter! [walks out]
Rachel: And, hey, just so you know -- it's not that common, it doesn't happen to every guy, and it is a big deal! [slams door, revealing Chandler behind it]
Chandler: I knew it!

[The friends and Emma are at Central Perk and Monica is enjoying a piece of chocolate cake.]
Monica: Mmmm...this cake is amazing!
Rachel: [repulsed] Get a room!
Monica: I would get a room with this cake. I could show this cake a good time!
Phoebe: If you had to, what would you give up? Food or sex?
Monica: [quickly] Sex.
Chandler: [unimpressed] Seriously, answer faster!
Monica: I'm sorry! When she said sex I wasn't thinking about sex with you!
Chandler: [still feeling hurt] It's like a giant hug!
Phoebe: Ross, how about you? Which would you give up? Sex or food?
Ross: [quickly] Food!
Phoebe: How about sex or dinosaurs?
Ross: [in a state of uncertainty] My...! It's like Sophie's Choice!
Rachel: What about you Joe? What would you give up? Sex or food?
Joey: [after thinking] I don't know, it's too hard!
Rachel: No, you have to pick one!
Joey: [quickly] Food! No, sex! Food! Sex! Food! Sex...I don't know, I want both! I want girls on bread!

[Ross, Chandler and Joey sit on a couch watching a movie]
Chandler: Die Hard, still great!
Joey: Hey, what do you say we make a double feature?
Ross: What else did you rent?
Joey: Die Hard 2!
Chandler: Joe, this is Die Hard 1 again.
Joey: Ohh..well if we watch it a second time then it's Die Hard 2!
Ross: Joey we just saw it.
Joey: And?
Ross: And it would be cool to see it again!
Joey and Ross: Die Hard!
Ross [to Chandler]: Dude, you didn't say Die Hard. Is everything okay?
Chandler: Yeah, I just..i got plans.
Ross: Well, John McClane had plans.
Chandler: Alright, you see the thing is..I wanna get outta here before Joey gets all worked up and starts calling everybody "bitch".
Joey: What are you talkin' about...bitch?

[Ross begins the lightning round with questions for Joey and Chandler]
Ross: What was Monica's nickname when she was a field hockey goalie?
Joey: Big Fat Goalie.
Ross: Correct. [A stung Monica reacts] Rachel claims this is her favourite movie.
Chandler: Dangerous Liaisons.
Ross: Correct. Her actual favourite is-
Joey: Weekend at Bernie's!
Ross: Correct. [Rachel gasps] In which part of her body did Monica get a pencil stuck at age 14? [Chandler thinks, then whispers in Ross's ear] Eww, no!! [Monica winces] Her ear! Monica categorises her towels. How many categories are there?
Joey: Everyday-use.
Chandler: Fancy.
Joey: Guest.
Chandler: Fancy Guest.
Ross: Two seconds.
Joey: Eleven?!
Ross: [clicking time]Eleven. Unbelievable. Eleven is correct. All right, that's four for the guys. Ladies, you're up. [The teams trade places, doing the double-fist bumps to each other] Thirty seconds on the clock. Five correct questions wins the game. The lightning round What is Joey's favorite food?
Monica: Sandwiches.
Ross: Correct. Chandler was how old when he first touched a girl's breast?
Rachel: Fourteen?
Ross: No, nineteen.
Chandler: Thanks, man.
Ross: Joey had an imaginary childhood friend. His name was...
Monica: Maurice.
Ross: Correct. His profession was...
Rachel: Space cowboy.
Ross: Correct! What is Chandler Bing's job?
Rachel: Oh, gosh! Does it have something to do with numbers?
Monica: And processing.
Rachel: And he carries a briefcase.
Ross: Ten seconds. You need this or you lose the game.
Monica: It has something to do with transponding.
Rachel: Oh, oh! He's a transponds...transponster!
Monica: That's not even a word! I can get this! I can get this... [Ross clicks time--they've lost the apartment] NO!!!

Monica: Rachel?!
Rachel: Oh, Monica, hi! I just went to your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are, you are!
Waitress: Can I get you some coffee?
Monica: [Pointing at Rachel] De-caff. [To the gang] Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. [To Rachel] This is everybody, this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember my brother Ross?
Rachel: Hi, sure!
Ross: Hi.
[They go to hug but Ross' umbrella opens. he sits, defeated again]
[A moment of silence where Rachel sits; the others expect her to explain]
Monica: So you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids?
Rachel: Oh... well, it started about a half hour before the wedding. I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents, and I was looking at this gravy boat. This really gorgeous Lamauge gravy boat. When all of a sudden- [to waitress]Sweet 'n' Lo?- I realized that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry! And then I got really freaked out, and that's when it hit me: how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. Y'know, I mean, I always knew he looked familiar, but... Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering 'Why am I doing this, and who am I doing this for?'. [To Monica] So anyway I just didn't know where to go, and I know that you and I have kinda drifted apart, but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the city.
Monica: -who wasn't invited to the wedding.
Rachel: Ooh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an issue...

Chandler: Now that I've untangled you, how about you do something for me?
Monica: What do you have in mind?
Chandler: I think you know.
Monica: I really don't feel like it!
Chandler: This is what I want to do.
Monica: All right! I just don't see why you like it so much!
Chandler: [holding up 'Miss Congeniality' tape] She's an FBI agent posing as a beauty contestant!

Monica: [looking over possible sperm donors] Okay, all right, how's this? 27, Italian-American guy. He's an actor, born in Queens. Wow, big family, seven sisters, and he's the only....boy. [Everyone looks at Joey] Oh, my God. Under personal comments: "New York Knicks rule!"
Joey: Yeah, the Knicks rule!

Phoebe: I wasn't in love with him, and I was just helping out a friend.
Monica: Please, when he left town you stayed in your pajamas for a month! AND I saw you eat a cheeseburger.
[everyone gasps and turns to Pheobe]:
Monica: Well? Didn't you?
Phoebe: I might've...
Monica: I can't believe you didn't tell me.
Phoebe: Oh, come on, like you tell me everything?
Monica: What have I not told you?
Phoebe: [smiling] Oh, I dunno, um, how about the fact that the underwear out there on the telephone pole is yours from when you were having sex with Fun Bobby out on the terrace!
Monica: WHAT?! Wait a minute! Who told you?!
[everyone's gasped and is running for the window except Chandler. Monica turns to him]:
Monica: You are dead meat.
Chandler: I didn't know it was a big secret.
Monica: [smiles] Oh, it's not big. Not at all. Kinda on the same lines as, say, I don't know, having a THIRD NIPPLE!
[everyone gasps from the window before coming to rush around Chandler]:
Phoebe: You have a third nipple?
Chandler: [to Monica] You bitch.
Ross: Whip it out, whip it out!
Chandler: Come on, there's nothing to see! It's just a tiny bump. It's totally useless!
Rachel: Oh, as, as opposed to your other multi-functional nipples?
Joey: I can't believe you- you told me it was a nubbin!
Ross: Joey, what'd you think a nubbin was?
Joey: I dunno, you see something, you hear a word, I thought that's what it was.
everyone: Lemme see it! Show us! I wanna see!
[Everyone gasps including Joey, angrily pointing at Chandler]:
Chandler: If I'm going down, I'm taking everybody with me.

Ross: Someone at work ate my sandwich!
Chandler: Well, what did the police say?
Ross: My Thanksgiving leftover sandwich! I can't believe someone ate it!
Chandler: It's just a sandwich!
Ross: Just a sandwich? I'm 30 years old, I'm going to be divorced twice and I just got evicted! That sandwich was the only good thing going on in my life! SOMEONE ATE THE ONLY GOOD THING GOING ON IN MY LIFE! [pauses]
Monica: I have enough stuff for one more sandwich. I was going to eat it myself, but...
Ross: That would be incredible! Thank you so much! I still can't believe someone ate it!! I left a note!
Chandler: [reading the note] "Knock-knock." "Who's there?" "Ross Geller's lunch." "'Ross Geller's lunch' who?" "Ross Geller's lunch; please don't take me, ok?"
Joey: I'm surprised you didn't go home wearing your lunch!
Phoebe: You want to hold on to your food, you have to scare people off. I learned that living on the street.
Ross: Really? So what would you say? 'Keep your mitts off my grub'?
Chandler: Ross, when you picture Phoebe living on the street, is she surrounded by the entire cast of Annie?
Phoebe: [writing a note] This will keep them away from your stuff!
[Everyone sees the note and gasps]
Monica: Phoebe, you are a bad-ass!
Phoebe: Someday I'll tell you about the time I stabbed a cop!
Monica: Phoebe!

[The friends are about to arrange the lottery tickets, in a bowl at the breakfast table]
Monica: We need to sort through the tickets as quickly as possible to see if we won. Does anybody have any ideas how to organize this? [abruptly] How about this - we divide them into six groups of forty, and the remaining ten can be read by whoever finishes their pile first.
Rachel: [raising her hand] I have another idea!
Monica: Sorry, idea time is over!
Phoebe: Are all of the tickets in the bowl?
Monica: Yeah.
Chandler: What about the ones on the nightstand?
Monica: There are no tickets on the nightstand!
Chandler: Yes there are, I saw them a few minutes ago!
[Rachel goes to the nightstand to investigate]
Monica: [uncomfortably] No you didn't! You must be mistaken!
Chandler: There were twenty tickets on the nightstand!
Monica: Chandler, sense the tone!
[Rachel returns with a bunch of tickets in her hand]
Rachel: Well, well, well, look what Mommy found! [everyone gasps]
Monica: Fine! I bought twenty extra tickets for me and Chandler!
Phoebe: [gasps] The psychic also said that I would be betrayed!
Ross: I can't believe this! I thought we were all in this together!
Monica: You just got in five minutes ago!
Ross: Three! I don't know why that's important!
Joey: I was with you the whole time we were in Connecticut! When did you get those?
Monica: When you were reading the dirty magazines without taking off the plastic!
Joey: [sniggers and turns to Ross] I'll show you how!
Rachel: Suppose one of your special tickets wins? How are you going to feel when you win the lottery and lose all your friends?
Monica: If I win the lottery you guys are not going to leave me! Someone gave me a basket of mini muffins last week and I couldn't get rid of you for three days!
Rachel: Chandler, would you tell her that what she did was wrong?!
Chandler: [turns to Monica] She's right, you shouldn't have bought tickets just for us. [Monica gasps] Let me finish. [turns to Rachel] However, it doesn't look as though I'm going to get this job, so I can't afford to have principles. So screw you, the tickets are ours!! [snatches the tickets from an open-mouthed Rachel]
Monica: [jubilantly] There's the man I married! [high-fives Chandler]
Rachel: Believe me, if you win the lottery, it's the last you're going to hear from any of us!
Monica: Fine! Don't be my friends! I'll buy new friends! And then I'll pay for their plastic surgeries so they look just like you!
Rachel: That's it! I want my share of the tickets!
Joey: [snatches the bowl from Rachel] I want my tickets too! And I'm buying the Knicks! And Steffi Graf!
Ross: [snatches the bowl from Joey] I want mine too! And if I win I'm going to put it all into a very low-yield bond!
Phoebe: [tries to put all the tickets into the bowl] You guys! We've got to keep all the tickets together!
Monica: No! [snatches the bowl] We should divide them up, and I should get extra because we used my car to buy them!!
Joey: If anybody gets extra tickets it should be me; this whole thing was my idea!! [snatches the bowl]
Chandler: Oh yeah! Thanks for inventing the lottery!!

Chandler: Yo, paisan. Can I talk to you for a second?
Joey: Sure.
Chandler: Your a very bad man!
Joey: Frankie? What are you talking about?
[Ross comes near]
Ross: What's up guys?
Chandler: Joey's tailor [Pauses for a moment] took advantage of me.
Ross: WHAT??
Joey: Frank? No No. I have been going to the man for like 12 years.
Chandler: He said he was going to do my inseam, and he ran his hand up my leg, and then there was definite...
Joey: What?
Chandler: Cupping.
Joey: That's how they do pants. First they go up one side, they move it over, then they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear. What? Ross, would you tell him? Isn't that how they measure pants?
Ross: Yes yes, it is...IN PRISON!! What's the matter with you?!