Niles Crane quotes from Frasier

What the hell is that?

Niles

(embarrassed) It's Pan, the satyr. A minor god of mischief, debauchery, and fornication.

Daphne

(smiling) That’s what our son would look like if I were a goat.

Niles

I need a sherry.

Frasier

Brace yourself!

Niles

[sees the empty bottle] You always think it’s going to happen to someone else.

Niles

(to Frasier) Look at you! You just stand there with a smile on your face.

Frasier

That’s make-up, you idiot!

Frasier

Now, I can’t imagine life without him.

Niles

It would be very hard to walk into this apartment and see that chair…and know that Dad wasn’t here anymore.

Frasier

Oh, I’d get rid of that chair immediately.

Frasier

Fine, I’ll do it myself! Here, hold this for me. (hands Niles the stolen item)

Niles

What for?

Frasier

[grabs it back] Now your prints are on it too, you have to help me!

Niles

Fiend!

Frasier

I am merely going present myself as the anti-Frank.

Niles

Ah, so you’re going to be not rugged and not handsome. Interesting.

Frasier

No…

Niles

You could also be not passionate and not committed.

Frasier

Very funny.

Niles

Maybe she’d like you if you were not interesting and not informed…

Frasier

Niles!

Frasier

[to Niles] You know what that means, don’t you? They had a long night of acrobatic make-up sex.

Niles

I’ve just thought of another way you could be the anti-Frank.

Frasier

Roz is dropping by with someone she wanted me to meet.

Niles

Ooh, a lady friend?

Frasier

[sarcastic] No, we’re going to form a jazz trio, Niles.

Roz

Alice is so cute! She fell asleep hugging her bottle.

Niles

I’m right behind her!

Niles

The idea that our son might take after them is making me crazy!

Frasier

Now Niles, just remember, those hearty Crane genes are in there, too.

Niles

Oh, please. Those Moon genes have probably beaten our genes up and stolen their lunch money!