Frasier Crane quotes from Frasier

Frasier

It's the story of a nineteenth-century Austrian family, from the point of view of an old fireside armchair.

Roz

I'm sorry, I dozed off. What were you saying?

Frasier

I seem to recall hearing the term “stallion-like”

Roz

I never said that

Frasier

Well, one of us did!

Frasier

I am going to call Julia, and I will not take "no" for an answer! I may have walked in here the old fault-finding, flaw-fleeing Flasier, but I leave a man committed to commitment!

Niles

[grinning] You said Flasier.

Frasier

I did not!

Frasier

He is only the head of the Seattle Opera Guild, and one of the finest directors in the world!

Niles

His productions are brilliant! He staged a Philip Glass opera last year and no one left.

Frasier, this apartment is stunning.

Frasier

Thank you.

The view - breathtaking; the art - perfect; the chair - hilarious.

Frasier

Dad, you know, you really ought to slow down there. [to Ronee] You know, at his age, one slip and it's the ICU and then it's I-see-ya later.

Martin

Well, I wouldn't worry about me, Fras'. I don't feel any older now than I did when you were parading around in your mother's heels. [everyone laughs] Of course, that was just last Christmas.

Frasier

I have standards. Haven't you ever heard of waiting for Miss Right?

Roz

Yeah, well, Miss Right has standards too, and she's not looking to meet Mr Mothball.

Well, here we are. The awkward part.

Frasier

Oh, it's not awkward at all. I’d be delighted to pay for your cab. Here we are. (hands over money and runs)

Frasier

I was having the most distressing dream; I was climbing up a volcano, that was spewing ice instead of lava.

Daphne

An ice volcano. I wonder what that could mean.

Hello, it's Lilith.

[with sudden realization] Oh, well.

Frasier

What?!

Niles

I’ve waited for this all my life, Frasier. One act of utter, devil-may-care, crotch-grabbing brazenness! And of course, I’ll have a nurse on speed-dial in case things get too hairy.

I’m running away from home!

Oh, hang up the phone, Britney! You’re not going anywhere!

Frasier

[calmly] And neither is this conversation. [cuts them off]

Ouch! 1lb heavier, Fras’!

Frasier

That can’t be! I’ve added a salad to every meal!

Martin

I just walked in on your insurance lady taking a sponge bath!

Frasier

Dear God! Which sponge?

Niles

I need a sherry.

Frasier

Brace yourself!

Niles

[sees the empty bottle] You always think it’s going to happen to someone else.

Frasier

If truth be told, it's been a while since I...romped with abandon through the perfumed gardens of Eros.

Roz

Next time you say something like that, cover my ears.