Cooper Howard quotes from Fallout

Cooper Howard

Well, I'd say come up here and get me, but it's hard to walk upstairs when you're wearing a 12 piece cast-iron skillet set.

Cooper Howard

[To dog] Roosevelt, I’m sorry. You can’t come, buddy. I’m heading into enemy territory. [Whispers] You be a good dog. Go to bed.

Cooper

All right, birthday boy. Let’s get a photo of you up here on Sugarfoot. [Hoists boy up on horse]

[To Bob] Why the hell is Cooper Howard working kids’ birthday parties?

Bob

[To Frank] What else? Alimony. [Chuckles]

What’d they say, Dad?

Cooper

That I’m lucky to have such a good helper like you.

Bob

[Motioning for a photo opportunity] Aw, Coop, Coop, Coop. Do your thumbs-up.

Cooper

Yeah, you know, given the state of everything, I’d prefer not to, if that’s all right.

Bob

Why not? It’s what you’re famous for.

Yeah. Drop it, Bob.

Cooper

We gotta... we got to get this rodeo on the road.

Cooper

I think that’s everything. [Sighs]

Why wouldn’t you do it? The thumbs-up.

Cooper

Oh, it’s, uh... that’s grown-up stuff. [Smacks lips] Well, back when I was in the Marines, they taught us that if they ever drop a really big bomb, told us to hold up your thumb just like this. And if the cloud is smaller than your thumb, well, you run for the hills.

And if it’s bigger than your thumb?

Cooper

They told us not to bother running.

Do you think it’s gonna happen?

Cooper

I certainly hope not. But us cowpokes, we take it as it comes, right?

Can I have a slice, Dad?

Cooper

You know what? Let me see if I can’t rustle you up a piece. All right, one piece of cake coming up for my favorite cowgirl.

Is it your thumb or mine?

Cooper

That’s smoke, Janey. It’s just a fire.

[To Bob going in cellar] Let us in with you.

Bob

No room. Back off. [Punches Frank in face]

Cooper Howard

[Sneaks up and hugs Barb from behind]

Barb Howard

Ooh!

Cooper Howard

Mmm.

Barb Howard

I’m at work.

Cooper Howard

Oh, how ’bout we clock out?

Barb Howard

[Chuckles] Oh.

Cooper Howard

Huh? Nothing against these colleagues of yours, but what do you say you and me knock back a couple of piña coladas by the pool, listen to the hi-fi.

Barb Howard

Mm. There is a wrap party.

Cooper Howard

What, a... a wrap party? For this?

Barb Howard

Yes.

Cooper Howard

[Sighs] All right. We go for a couple of hours, we shake a few hands…

Barb Howard

It’s at our house.

Cooper Howard

[Sighs] The things I’m willing to do for you never cease to amaze me.

Barb Howard

Mm.

Would you mind, you know, doing the butler voice? From the show?

All right. I only do it for close friends and beautiful women, but you two are already halfway there.

[Laughs] Stop it.

“I, Bartholomew Codsworth, am ever ready to serve.” [Sebastian laughs] Perhaps when you finish your shift, we could head up and party in the hot tub. What do you think of that?

Oh, no, no. No, thank you.

No? [Mutters] Okay. All right. Excuse me. Your wine.

Cooper Howard

Well, shit, Seabass. You might be the only one of my invites who actually showed up.

[Laughs] Yeah. Fucking Hollywood Reds. I’m telling you, radicalism is sweeping through Hollywood like a bad case of the clap. Not our usual scene, I’ll give you that.

Cooper Howard

No, it is not. I think our Hollywood actor friends don’t want to be seen celebrating with the pitchman for the end of the world.

Oh, you don’t know the half of it. You hear I lost a movie over these ads? Yeah, showed up to set, the actors wouldn’t come out of their trailers. Bonnie Lewis said it was on moral grounds.

Cooper Howard

Bonnie Lewis?

She’s done more ads than a fucking billboard.

Cooper Howard

Yeah.

Fucking Hollywood Reds. I’m telling you, radicalism is sweeping through Hollywood like a bad case of the clap. Even got your friend, Charlie Whiteknife.

Cooper Howard

Are you kidding me? Charlie? I served with that guy.

They have meetings and everything. It’s a shit show. But you, my friend, you know which way the wind is blowing.

Cooper Howard

And it’s that... a world run by people who wear pocket protectors to a pool party.

...about delivery platforms.

Yeah, you might be right about that. I mean, I’ve dipped my bits in the same gravy train. Sold my vocal rights to that spinning robot they sell to housewives and perverts. Guess how much they paid me for that.

Cooper Howard

Ten million?

No, I got 186, pre-tax.

Cooper Howard

Maybe you could’ve asked for more.

Well, I did ask for more.

Cooper Howard

And what did they say?

My agent got them to throw in one of those robots. [Laughs] The fuck were they thinking? Every time I walk into my own house, my own voice saying, “Hello, sir, do you want to sit down?” [Laughs] It’s fucking awful!

Cooper Howard

I thought the studio owned that character.

They did. And then RobCo bought the studio.

Cooper Howard

Mm.

Listen to me, Hollywood is the past. Forget Hollywood. The future, my friend, is products. You're a product. I'm a product. The end of the world is a product. And for those of us who can successfully embrace that, I'd say the future is golden.

Cooper Howard

[Holds out glass] To the future.

[Clinks glass] To the future.

Barb Howard

It doesn't get any better than this.

Cooper Howard

Nope, it does not. [cautiously] You ever...think about working somewhere else?

Barb Howard

I used to. But with you doing these ads, it's practically the family business. Maybe we can get Janey a job in payroll when she's 15.

Cooper Howard

I think about it. Quitting showbiz. Buying us a ranch up in Bakersfield. Go back to being a real cowboy again.

Barb Howard

And what would I do?

Cooper Howard

You would look pretty? And help me raise chickens?

Barb Howard

[laughs] No.

Cooper Howard

You would look very good in a pair of overalls.

Barb Howard

[getting out of the hot tub] What's gotten into you?

Cooper Howard

A gin martini. [sighs] I don't know. Maybe I've been reading too much news lately. Got me second-guessing the whole city life.

Barb Howard

Oh come on, you've seen these around.

Cooper Howard

Not on you, I haven't.

Barb Howard

Bud Askins. He licensed these from RobCo. We're integrating them with the Vault-Tec access systems.

Cooper Howard

[rolls his eyes] Bud Askins.

Barb Howard

Bud Askins. Trust me, I know. The company's filled with guys like him. But Vault-Tec exists, with or without me. Doesn't do anyone any good to complain from the sidelines.

Cooper Howard

All I'm saying is, we've got one life. Do you really want to spend your nine-to-five working with these assholes?

Barb Howard

I need this job, Coop. It guarantees us a spot in one of the Vaults.

Cooper Howard

We got money. We can buy a spot in one of the Vaults...

Barb Howard

One of the good Vaults.

Cooper Howard

[taken aback] What's that supposed to mean?

Barb Howard

I...I'm doing what I can. Just trust me. Please?

Charlie Whiteknife

Do you know what "fiduciary responsibility" means?

Cooper Howard

"Fiduciary responsibility?" No. I have no fucking idea. I play a cowboy for a living.

Charlie Whiteknife

Okay. So, the US Government has outsourced the survival of the human race to Vault-Tec. Vault-Tec is a private corporation that has a fiduciary responsibility to make money for its investors. And how does it make money? By selling Vaults.

Cooper Howard

That's called "capitalism," Charlie.

Charlie Whiteknife

But they can't sell Vaults if these peace negotiations go through. So, Vault-Tec has a fiduciary responsibility to make sure that it don't work out.

Cooper Howard

[scoffs] Yeah? How are they gonna do that?

Charlie Whiteknife

I don't know. But...do you remember that movie we did with Johnny Morton? You were the Sheriff, and I was some generic Indian?

Cooper Howard

Hey come on, don't say that. Tallhand Mudlake could talk to horses. You played him with grace and dignity. It was a great role for you!

Charlie Whiteknife

Morton played a rancher who owned half of Missouri. And what happens when the cattle ranchers have more power than the Sheriff?

Cooper Howard

The whole town burns down.

Charlie Whiteknife

The whole town burns down. Right. Vault-Tec is a trillion-dollar company that owns half of everything, and after ten years of war the US Government is broker than a joke. The cattle ranchers are in charge, Coop. Unless the People do something about it.

Cooper Howard

I guess everything's a conspiracy, right? Come on man, you sound like you're in a cult.

Charlie Whiteknife

And you're sitting here defending a system that's ready to set the world on fire, Cooper. Maybe you're the one in the cult.

Barb Howard

It's going to be hard on her, that's all.

Cooper Howard

What is?

Barb Howard

You know. "No Dogs in the Vault."

Cooper Howard

[surprised] Says who?

Barb Howard

Hmm?

Cooper Howard

"No Dogs in the Vault." Says who?

Barb Howard

Well, that's just...that's the policy. You know, dogs eat meat. It's an avoidable inefficiency.

Cooper Howard

Yeah...that's not really the question, is it? All I'm asking is, who decided there were were no dogs in the Vault?

Barb Howard

Well I think that is a relatively trivial concern, given the prerequisite conditions of us living in a nuclear fallout shelter.

Cooper Howard

You know, I'm not sure that it is, to be quite honest. [Barb sighs] I'm serious! Who makes the rules? Because "No Dogs Allowed," that is a new rule! Somebody decided that and didn't share it with fucking anyone! I mean, what else do you have in store for us? Are the blue jumpsuits mandatory? What if I don't want to wear a blue one? What if I want to wear a green one?

Barb Howard

So the Bomb falls and you want to know about your wardrobe?

Cooper Howard

No, I want to know about my freedom! I didn't go to war defending that freedom so I could live in a cellar under the bootheel of Chairman Bud Askins.

Barb Howard

While you were away at war, I stayed home.

Cooper Howard

I know you did...

Barb Howard

I was checking the mail every day...

Cooper Howard

I know.

Barb Howard

I was waiting by the phone every night, and every night I was driving myself crazy imagining the worst. So you do not need to tell me how bad war is, Coop. Every day I go into work, and I think about how humanity can survive a nuclear event that will wipe out 90% of life on earth. And I come home, and you're talking to me about hiding out on a ranch up in Bakersfield? I don't even know what planet you're on sometimes, Coop! But when the bombs drop, a two-hour drive ain't gonna cut it! So yes, there will be no dogs in the Vault, and no, none of it is ideal. But if billions of people are going to lose their lives, I will do whatever it takes to make sure that the people I love - and that is you and that is Janey - aren't among them. I have worked hard to make sure we go into a special Vault for Management. Where we will oversee all the other Vaults. [Cooper looks at her with disapproval] You don't get it! That is the best we can possibly hope for! For Janey.

[Giving a church sermon] What is it about California, that we all came to this place? [Inhales deeply] Maybe it’s the sunshine. Maybe it’s the friendly people. When you think of the promise of the American Dream, you think of California. But it is just a dream. It’s not real. We were told the atom bomb meant the end of war. That didn’t work out, did it? We were told America’s always getting better, it’s always moving toward a better future. But the future is getting closer, and we can see it. Their “better future” is a cliff’s edge. And it’s coming up fast, isn’t it? [Sighs] These soldiers that we’re fighting abroad, their families, we have more in common with them than we do with the people here in power, the real enemy.

Cooper Howard

That’s about all the horseshit I can take.

Coop. Coop, come on. [Congregationalists murmurs with Howard getting up and walking to door]

Mr. Howard? [Cooper sighs] I’m sorry, I didn’t hear what you said.

Cooper Howard

[Stops and turns around] I said that, um... this is about all the horseshit I can take.

I didn’t realize that America’s favorite gunslinger was so sensitive. [Congregationalists chuckles]

Cooper Howard

I have my principles, Miss Williams, that’s all.

Uh-huh. And those principles of yours... how much did Vault-Tec pay to take them off your hands?

Cooper Howard

Well, this is America. Everybody has a sponsor, and, uh, I’m not ashamed to earn a living.

Vault-Tec is the largest company in America. There’s a lot of money in selling the end of the world.

Cooper Howard

Well, I’m sure there’s a lot of money in selling a political ideology that ends in breadlines.

Fascist.

Okay, uh, sorry, this was a mistake. We’ll be leaving.

Oh, no, I’m-I’m quite glad you brought Mr. Howard today. You see, it happens that I know your wife. And perhaps a side of her you don’t.

Cooper Howard

[Walking in hallway with Moldaver] How do you know my wife?

My research company was acquired by her division. We were developing this kind of technology that’s... difficult to monetize. Cold fusion. Infinite energy. That’s what I was on the verge of achieving when Vault-Tec swept in and bought up every company I’d ever worked for.

Cooper Howard

Every one of them? So, what are you, a millionaire communist?

Hypocrisy is like violence in your movies. If you only let the bad guys use it, the bad guys win.

Cooper Howard

Yeah? I, uh, I got a little showbiz secret for you. A good bad guy doesn’t see themselves as the bad guy.

America has been locked in a resource war for over a decade. Vault-Tec bought the means to end that war, the same war you fought in, so they could put it on the shelf. All because it didn’t fit into their business model. [Holds out listening device] I want your help in getting it back.

Cooper Howard

What is it?

It’s a listening device.

Cooper Howard

A listening device. You... you want me to spy on my wife? [Softly chuckles] Good luck with the revolution.

You can keep it. As a token. I’m not a communist, Mr. Howard. That’s just a dirty word they use to describe people who aren’t insane.

Want another autograph, young Henry? "Feo, fuerte, y formal?" When your daughter said her last name was MacLean, well...I just couldn't believe it was the MacLean. Hell, this kid used to pick up my wife's dry cleaning. Now, I've waited over two hundred years to ask someone one question:

Cooper Howard

Where's my fucking family?

Cooper Howard

They sat around that table and talked about the end of the world like it was some new business strategy.

Lee Moldaver

Sounds like you heard something interesting.

Cooper Howard

You knew?

Lee Moldaver

And now you do too. So what are we going to do about it?

Lee Moldaver

Are you familiar with Robert House?

Cooper Howard

Yeah, I'm familiar with Robert House. The guy owns half of Las Vegas.

Lee Moldaver

He's also building a privately-owned missile system in Las Vegas with enough firepower to follow through on your wife's proposals. When the bombs drop, it'll be Robert House who presses the button.

Cooper Howard

Are you asking me to spy on the wealthiest man in America?

Lee Moldaver

Not spy on him.

Cooper Howard

Y-you want me to...?

Lee Moldaver

You wife is going to Las Vegas next week to sell Cold Fusion to Robert House. Then he'll have everything he needs to push that button. Play nice with your wife, and get on that trip to Vegas.

Lee Moldaver

Where are you going?

Cooper Howard

Home. While I still have one.

Lee Moldaver

[shrugs] When the world goes down in flames, at least you'll know your hands are clean.

Cooper Howard

What do you know about Robert House?

Charlie Whiteknife

All I've heard is that he's building some kind of weapons system in Vegas. Our intel thinks it's connected to whatever you heard Barb talking about.

Cooper Howard

Your "intel?"

Charlie Whiteknife

It's blueprints and a bunch of phone records. What else am I supposed to call it?

Cooper Howard

Intel, I guess. Well, do you know what your boss wants me to do with him?

Charlie Whiteknife

I didn't know.

Cooper Howard

Look, I wanna help. I'll do whatever I can. But there's got to be another way.

Charlie Whiteknife

Look where we are, Coop. Half the men in here have killed people. Maybe not the right ones. Robert House is just one person.