The Ghoul quotes from Fallout

[To bounty hunters right after being unearthed from grave] Well, well, well. Why, is this an Amish production of The Count of Monte Cristo... or the weirdest circle jerk I’ve ever been invited to?

[After Lucy shot him with a tranquilizer gun] Well, now, that is a very small drop in a very, very large bucket of drugs.

Bet that outfit makes y'all feel like a big man, don't it? I know, cuz, well, I used to wear one back in the day. There was only one problem with it. [loads an armor-piercing round into his pistol] There was a flaw in the welding just below the chest plate. I wonder if they fixed that in this new model? [Fires. Knight immediately falls to the ground dead.] Guess not.

Didn't that used to be a store? I think I bought a soda pop there, about 25 years back. Darla. Woman behind the counter, that was her name. Darla. She was a reasonable woman. Til you matching-jacket motherfuckers had to move in.

You wanna know what I was like before the War? I was just like you. Stupid.

[while cutting a piece of infected flesh from his own leg] A boat's not a boat, know what I mean? Course you do. Take out one plank, boat's the same as it ever was. Just got a hole in it, that's all. Take out a lot of planks, then all of a sudden, you gotta ask yourself, "What the fuck am I looking at? This ain't no boat! It's just a pile of wood! Just a fucking pile of wood!" I don't know why I'm telling you all this for. I know you already know this. It's just been a while since I've had someone worth talking to, that's all.

If I may, the New California Republic may want to drop the word "new," because y'all looking dusty as hell.

[trying to fight off going feral] Cooper. My name is Cooper Howard. I have a daughter. Her name is Janey. Janey Howard. She's alive. My daughter's alive.

You wanna give that thing to a good person so they can save the world. I understand that. But in order to save that good person, you're gonna have to give it to a really bad person.

[after wounding Hank] If it was up to me, it wouldn't be your ass bleeding out all over the floor. [slides Lucy a pistol] But it ain't up to me. What say you, Vaultie?

You know, there was a time when they did studies on all kinds of things. Hell, you couldn't open a newspaper without readin' some kind of survey or another. Well, one of them things they studied was whether torturin' somebody actually gets anything useful. You don't need no studies to know that. You don't learn anything from torturing somebody.

Lucy

Then-why are you doing this?

Well, I'm not torturing you, sweetheart. I'm usin' you as bait. [Kicks Lucy back into the lake]

Lucy

[To Ghoul] You can’t treat people like this.

Yeah? Why’s that?

Lucy

Because of the golden rule. “Do unto others as you would have done unto you.”

Yeah, well, the Wasteland’s got its own golden rule.

Lucy

Oh? What’s that?

Thou shalt get sidetracked by bullshit every goddamn time.

[Repeatedly] My name is Roger.

Hey, Rog.

[Laughs] Hey. Hey. Fancy seeing you out here. You out for that bounty, too, huh?

Yep. [Roger snarls and wails] Oh, shit. How you feeling?

Oh... you know... it’s hard out here. Dang smoothies can be so unkind. [Pants] I see you got a smoothie of your own. [Snarls]

You’re turning.

[Grunts] Yeah. Yeah, maybe. Maybe. [Chuckles] Hey, you- you don’t happen to have any vials, do you? [Sniffles] Just one little puff and I’ll be back on my feet. You know I’m good for it.

I’m sorry, Roger. I’m all out.

That’s okay. That’s okay. Though, um, you and your smooth-faced friend, you, um... might want to clear out... before things get ugly. [Snarls] I did okay. Twenty-eight years since I first started showing. [Yells] Oh, hell. [Grunts] Not as long as you, though. You’ve outlasted us all. How long since you first started wastelanding?

A long time.

That’s a lot of vials.

Well, I’ve always been good at making money, Roger. [Exhales] Say...you remember how good food used to taste?

Yeah...BlamCo Mac & Cheese!

Ice cream and apple pie!

Apple pie! [Laughs] Hot damn. Apple pie. You know, my mom used to — [The Ghoul shoots Roger in the head]

Lucy

Wait... why’d you do that?! He was sick! [The Ghoul flips Roger's body over, reaches for orthodontics tools and pulls out a tooth from Roger] Stop! Stop, stop! Please! I... No, I know it’s hard up here, but you don’t... you don’t have... you don’t have to resort to... to...

What’d you say your name was?

Lucy

Lucy MacLean.

MacLean? Huh. Well, Lucy MacLean, it ain’t all canned peaches and marmalade left up here, sweetheart. Sometimes a fella’s got to eat a fella.

Lucy

You know, my vault has endured hardship, too. In the Great Plague of ’77, everyone had to quarantine, they couldn’t work the farms together. People starved. My mother included. My dad dropped to 128 pounds, and he still refused to do anything like this. [The Ghoul laughs] What? What’s so funny?

Well, there’s what people say they did and what they really did. I’ll bet your daddy was first in line at the cookout. I bet he had a bib with a drawing of his neighbor’s ass on there.

Lucy

How do you live like this?! Why keep going?!

Well, one good question deserves another. Why the fuck am I doing all the work? Now come on, Vaultie. Ass jerky don't make itself.

[Lucy dives into rain bucket drinking up] Now you’re getting it. How does that Golden Rule jibe with what’s going through your head right now?

What are you?

Oh, I’m you, sweetie. You just give it a little time. [Lucy runs away with The Ghoul] Where you think you going? You ain’t going nowhere. There you are, you little killer.

Lucy

[The Ghoul cuts off her right hand index finger] Aah!

Now, that right there is the closest thing we’ve had to an honest exchange so far.

[Speaking into intercom] Transaction.

Yes?

Two-month supply of vials. Exchange one female. Mint condition. [Turns off intercom, glances at Lucy, then turns on intercom] Near mint condition.

Condition grading requires physical evaluation. Please send her in.

Lucy

What’s in there?

You’re about to find out.

Lucy

You’re selling me?

You got problems out here, too, sweetheart. Best you try your luck behind that door. Go on.

Welcome.

Lucy

What the fudge?

Fudge? There’s no fudge here. Only a General Atomics International Mark 4. That’s what I am. You seem to be a woman.

Lucy

Please, sir, my name is Lucy MacLean. My dad’s been taken and I- I- I’ve been kidnapped. [Stammers] He’s right outside.

I say, you’ve lost a finger. Ah, that won’t do at all. Let’s get you taken care of. Follow me. Okay. Apologies for the mess. Time flies by lately. Especially since my temporal sensors went out in the Great War. That must have been a week ago, at least. Would you mind taking a seat on that gurney in front of you? Now, what have we here? [Opens drawer to select severed fingers] Too fat, too withered. Ah, this one’ll do it. Eh, you’re lucky I don’t have to use a thumb. Our finger inventory’s in a sorry state. Now, if you give me your hand... Okay, you’re going to feel a slight pinch. [Sews finger onto her hand]

Lucy

Thank you.

I say.

Lucy

I really do appreciate this. But listen, a big fish ate my head, and I need my head to get back to my dad...

There now. That’s much better, isn’t it?

Lucy

Thank you, that… Not a problem. That feels really, really nice.

Now, would you prefer a dressing of high-quality synthetic fibers, classic cotton, or a comforting synthetic-cotton blend?

Lucy

You have... real cotton?

Of course. Don’t you?

Lucy

[Sighs softly] Thank you. You know, that... that creature that brought me here, he...

You seem unhappy.

Lucy

He did not treat me very courteously.

Really?

Lucy

When I pointed out that he wasn’t following the Golden Rule, he put a leash around my neck and he made me drink from puddle water that I’m pretty sure was just some kind of animal pee.

Well, that is interesting.

Lucy

And I thought I was here to be a sex slave.

What?! No! What a disgusting idea! [Chuckles] I’m simply going to harvest your organs.

Lucy

Huh? [Snip-Snip shoots Lucy with a tranquilizer dart, knocking her out]