DRDaniel Radcliffe
You married?
MUMake-Up Artist
Yeah.
DRDaniel Radcliffe
Don't stop me. A ring don't mean a thing.
S2 E3Episode 3
The papers don't look good.
Oh what's it say?
[Holds up newspaper]
"Bully kicks midget in face".
Accurate...
[Puts down paper and holds up another]
"Pick on someone your own size, fatty".
At least it can't get worse.
[Puts down paper and holds up another]
Yeah, look at this one; "Suicide bombers get Lotto funding'".
Well what's that got to do with it?
Nothing, it's just shocking though innit, what goes on.
S2 E4Episode 4
Calm down, [holds up muffin] muffin?
No.
Have a lovely bit of muffin.
I don't want any.
Do you mind if I have a little bit of muffin?
No.
Thank you, [into intercom] Bar?
SShaun
[through intercom] Yo?
I'm having the muffin.
SShaun
[through intercom] I'll come through.
Why is this an event?
It's exciting. [bites into muffin]
[Shaun enters]
SShaun
Alright, Andy?
Alright, Shaun.
[they shake hands]
Lovely bit of muffin.
SShaun
[to muffin] Hello, you.
[Shaun bites into the muffin while it's still in Darren's hand]
Why's he eating like that?
Yeah, why are you eating it like that?
SShaun
Me hands, been cleaning out the toilets, got no gloves.
You... you shook my hand when you came in.
SShaun
Well that's politeness innit?
He's just being polite.
[after being caught taking drugs in the toilets]
RCRonnie Corbett
[to Darren] It's your fault.
Why's it my fault?
RCRonnie Corbett
They saw your head over the cubicle door.
They saw your head under the cubicle door, so...
[security guard enters]
SGSecurity Guard
Well, well, well, the Three Stooges.
[Andy laughs]
...Is something funny?
Your joke, it was...
SGSecurity Guard
Shut up. Corbett it's always bloody Corbett. See, I expected it from him, but you,[to Andy] you're the new kid on the block. How'd you fall in with this crowd?
[Andy mumbles]
...Is this it? Or is there any more?
[Corbett pulls a bag from his pocket]
RCRonnie Corbett
Just a bit of whizz, you know? To blow away the cob-webs.
SGSecurity Guard
Hand it over. Where'd you get it?
RCRonnie Corbett
Don't remember.
SGSecurity Guard
Don't piss me about. Where'd you get it?
RCRonnie Corbett
Don't remember.
SGSecurity Guard
Was it Moira Stuart?
RCRonnie Corbett
I can't say.
SGSecurity Guard
We don't want you, just give us a name and you can walk free.
RCRonnie Corbett
You don't get it, mate, do you? I don't remember.
SGSecurity Guard
Alright. Here's something you will remember, you're banned from BAFTA, you can never win a BAFTA now.
What? Me as well?
SGSecurity Guard
Yeah, all of you.
Oh...
SGSecurity Guard
You can never attend any of our varied events, you can't come to the film BAFTAs, you can't come to the TV BAFTAs, you can't even come to the children's BAFTAs.
RCRonnie Corbett
What about the Welsh BAFTAs?
SGSecurity Guard
Would you attend the Welsh BAFTAs if you were asked?
RCRonnie Corbett
Probably.
SGSecurity Guard
Expect a call.
[pointing at Andy] He'll come to the Welsh BAFTAs, if you want.
Yeah.
SGSecurity Guard
Yeah, we're after more, you know, respected comedians.
Makes sense.
SGSecurity Guard
Get out of my sight. That's all of you, yeah?
"Makes sense".
I reckon I could've had him in a fight.
Yeah? You f-f.. Idiot.
S2 E5Episode 5
IMIan McKellen
How do I act so well? ... What I do is I pretend to be the person I'm portraying in the film or play.
Yeah.
IMIan McKellen
You're confused. It's perfectly simple.
No.
IMIan McKellen
Case in point, Lord of the Rings, Peter Jackson comes from New Zealand, says to me, "Sir Ian, I want you to be Gandalf the wizard." And I say to him, "You are aware that I am not really a wizard..." And he said, "Yes, I’m aware of that. What I want you to do is to use your acting skills to portray the wizard for the duration of the film." So I said, "Okay." And then I said to myself, "Hmm, how would I do that?" And this is what I did: I imagined what it would be like to be a wizard, and then I pretended and acted in that way on the day... And how did I know what to say? [conspiratorially] The words were written down for me in a script. How did I know where to stand? People told me. If we were to draw a graph of my process, of my method, it would be something like this: Sir Ian, Sir Ian, Sir Ian. Action. WIZARD! "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" Cut! Sir Ian, Sir Ian, Sir Ian.
[Andy walks into Darren's office; Darren is sitting at his desk]
Moron.
[Darren looks around]
You talking to me?
Yes, I'm talking to you! Didn't you read the play?
What play?
The play I'm in, the play that you got me a part in. It's a gay play. I've got to play a gay, with another gay. Acting all gay. All through the play... it's so gay.
S2 E6Episode 6
[after Mother with sick son gets Andy to promise to visit him in hospital]
RLRobert Lindsay
Bit weird isn't it?
Bit presumptuous.
LLindsay
No, I mean it's a bit weird she didn't ask me.
Have you ever driven a taxi for real?
RDRobert De Niro
...No.
[as they pass the TV displays in the department store]
Look, it's Greg in a film!
Oh, come on, we can't watch telly in the day.
No, wait, I want to see! [the clip plays on, showing Greg dueling with Clive Owen] I love Clive Owen.
[scoffs] Clive. Good name for a film star. Clive...
[as the clip ends and Jonathan Ross begins interviewing the actors] Greg seems good in it!
[shrugging] Bit part.
RRoss
I'm joined by Clive Owen and Greg Lindley-Jones, the two leads in the film...
He's one of the leads!
In a terrible film.
RRoss
...I thought the film was brilliant...
He thought it was brilliant!
Oh, I can hear!
I don't want to do camp, frothy nonsense. I want to do something classy!
Celebrity Big Brother have been on the phone.
You're not listening to me!
It's good money.
Not in a million years! What about films? What happened to films?
Okay, now this is interesting, we did have a call -- have you heard about this Byron film that everyone's raving about?
Yeah.
Right, well, they're making a sequel. Should be classy, should be good, it's about what it means to be a man, it's about honor, it's about integrity. They wanted you to go in and do an audition.
Right.
Obviously I said no, but I thought that was very positive --
What do you mean, you said no?
Well, they were asking for someone who's sort of thirty-six, handsome, dashing, and I presume they'd have to be taller than you, so I thought that --
Always do the audition!
But look at you, that's insane! I might as well send Barry! [Shaun/Barry laughs openly]
Call them back and say you've got the perfect person for the part.
Who?
Me!
No, it's really -- I don't want to waste their time.
Why am I trying to persuade my agent to get me an audition? It should be the other way round!
But if I send you, they'll think I don't know what I'm doing!
Ohhh, no one could ever think you don't know what you're doing, that you're a total waste of space and shouldn't even be in the industry.
Well, thanks, mate, but you'd be surprised. [Shaun nods]
GMGeorge Michael
[approaching the "queer bench" where Andy is sitting with Bunny; throwing away a joint and a kebab wrapper] Hello, Bunny.
BBunny
Oh, hi, George.
GMGeorge Michael
[sitting down] Any action? [looks at his watch]: Only got twenty minutes, actually, I'm on my lunch break.
Lunch break?
GMGeorge Michael
Yeah, I'm doing community service.
Oh, are you still doing that?
GMGeorge Michael
Oh, not that one, no, I'm doing another one now. I'm picking up litter now.
Oh, right. What'd you do wrong this time?
GMGeorge Michael
Fly tipping, believe it or not. Yeah, I was helping Annie Lennox out with an old fridge-freezer, and she said, "Shall I call the council?" and I said, "No, don't bother with that, there's a skip at the end of my street." So at two-thirty in the morning, we're tipping it in there, and the fucking police show up.
How'd they get involved, then?
GMGeorge Michael
Well, it was Stewart Copeland's skip, and he called Sting, and Sting called the fucking council, 'cause he's a fucking do-gooder. And now me and Annie are picking up litter. [getting up] Well, I'd better get going, 'cause I'm gonna have to get back to work soon...
BBunny
Come on, then, you. I'll give you a quickie.
GMGeorge Michael
Oi, I'm not that desperate.
BBunny
Cheeky bastard!
GMGeorge Michael
Actually, will you do me a favor and watch out for paparazzi? I'm going to go and try over there.
BBunny
Love to.
GMGeorge Michael
Yeah? Cheers.
BBunny
Cheers. [to Andy, as Michael leaves] I've had him before, you know. In his car.
Wasn't that a bit cramped?
BBunny
Mm. And he was swerving all over the bloody road.
[after being denied entrance, Andy bursts into the Ivy, where his new agent is having lunch with Greg]
Trey!
MManager
Excuse me!
TTrey
[beckons Andy over] What are you doing?
What are you doing? You haven't been returning my calls!
TTrey
Yeah, well, funnily enough, there's not been much my end since you told the BBC to piss off.
Oh, there's other channels, aren't there? You're meant to generate work for me, you're my agent!
TTrey
Well, I can't magic things out of thin air. They either want you or they don't. Life's cruel. And to be honest with you, I've been up to my eyeballs with my other clients.
GGreg
Guilty as charged.
Yeah... what about me?
TTrey
All right, listen to me, Andy. I can't help you because I don't know what it is that you want. Every time you come into my office it's something different. One day it's all about not selling out, being an artist, next day you just want your face in the paper. What do you want? You want to be a world-famous movie star or do you want to be the tortured genius creating great art?
GGreg
Look -- do you want fame and fortune, or do you want integrity and respect?
Both.
TTrey
Right. Well, there are only a few people in the world who have both those things. And you will never be one of them. What do you want?
[long pause]
Rich and famous. And on the telly.
TTrey
Right. Okay then. Will you do the stuff you keep turning down?
Yes.
TTrey
Comedy panel shows?
Yup.
GGreg
You know you'll have to make your carefully written jokes look ad-libbed.
Yes, I know how they work.
GGreg
[to Trey] Emmerdale.
TTrey
Oh, good, yeah. Well this is great! I'd much rather have a client who'll do anything to get on television than someone who goes, "Oh, I don't wanna do that" or "Oh, that's beneath me" -- oh, hold on. There is one other thing. Might have to pull some strings.
Pull 'em.
[cut to Andy entering the Big Brother house]
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