Everybody Hates Chris · Season 1
I thought it was bad, but then I found out I wasn't the only guy that didn't know anything about women.
Girls like it when you give them compliments. [to a woman] Hey baby, I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bedrock.
Shut up, idiot.
I wasn't even talkin' to her.
Watchin' Slaver Slav, I learned the most important thing about bein' a bad boy: When it comes to girls, the meaner, the better, and whatever you do, don't be nice.
Slaver Slav is the preeminent bad boy of rap, the top recording act at Setback Records. He's responsible for the hit album "I'm Smackin' and Stabbin' Somebody." At the tender age of 16, Slaver Slav was released from prison after serving 17 years for aggravated battery. This is Slaver Slav's first mugshot... [we see a mugshot of Slaver Slav as a fetus in his mother's womb] but it wasn't his last. He released his first single "Put Me in Jail Again and I'll Smack the Stank Off You" about a month later. The rest is history.
I've got good news.
You finally kicked the gout?
No.
Chris isn't your real son?
No.
Lionel Richie is back with The Commodores?
No.
Did you trade Tonya to the devil for cable?
No. I am Employee of the Month.
I don't think you're supposed to have your feet on the table.
Ain't nobody ask you.
Young man, I'm gonna have to ask you to take your feet off the table.
What if I don't feel like it?
Then I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
[stands up] What if I don't feel like doing that, either?
You're with the Employee of the Month, aren't you?
[Chris argues with the Maître D', offscreen]
What is goin' on over there?
Is that Chris?
[outraged] What?
[Chris yells at Maître D' in slow-mo, with "Everybody Plays the Fool" playing in the background]
[Normal speed]
[yells] CHRIS!
[angrily] WHAT?!
[heartbeat thumps as Rochelle gets furious at Chris, who is shocked with an "Oh, crap!" look on his face. Scene cuts to hospital.]
Hey, baby.
[weakly] Ma?
How's everything going in here?
Doctor, is he going to be okay?
[about the X-ray of Rochelle's shoe stuck in Chris' butt] Well, I think we'll be able to get it out, but you won't be able to wear that shoe again. Hang in there, big guy.
How you feeling, sweetie?
Not too good.
Well, why were you acting like that?
Just trying to impress Tasha.
[confused] By acting like an idiot?
No. She said she liked bad boys, like Flavor Flav. Trying to act like him.
Without the money.
Baby, you can only be who you are. If she doesn't want you, then you don't want her.
That day, I learned the most important lesson in life: Be yourself, or get a pump in your ass.
Mommy's gonna get you some ice chips, okay?
Better get a shoehorn, too.
[to Tasha] Hi, sweetie.
[to Rochelle] Hi. [to Chris] Hey, Chris.
Tasha?
Yeah. Are you okay?
Yeah, I'll be fine. I just wanted to apologize for acting like such an idiot. Forgive me?
Yeah, it's okay. That's what friends are for.
Thanks, Dionne Warwick.
[seeing Chris' X-Ray.] Is this your X-ray?
Yeah.
Boy, you so crazy.
Crazy like a boy with a shoe up his butt.
[Chris cries in pain]
My father would take a coupon from Osama bin Laden.
When I was 15 going on 16, the one thing I wanted most was a kiss from a girl, and I didn't care who it was, as long as she wasn't in my family!
Hey man, you still like Tasha?
Does Angelina Jolie like black babies?
So, have you ever kissed anyone?
[Scoffs] Have I? You gotta be kidding me.
[Flatly] Cousins don't count.
Oh. Then no.
[To Chris] Are you sure you really wanna play Spin-The-Bottle? I mean, there's always the chance you'll end up kissing someone that's... I don't know, let's just say...
Ugly!
[To Chris] What are you looking at?
About five to ten when I drown you in that cereal bowl.
[As Tasha spins the bottle] Please, please, please. [Bottle doesn't land on Chris] Damn, damn, damn!
[As she walks into the bathroom as Chris starts kissing his reflection in the mirror] Ugh! What is wrong with you?
Can't a boy kiss himself in the mirror in peace?
The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Now, let's get to commercial before I start cursin'.
What do you know about Gretzky?
Well, I know he's a season all-time assist leader, his mom loves soup, and he has a sandwich named after him called "The Great One."
What's in it?
Hmm... Canadian bacon, maple syrup... Oh, and a pickle. Oh, and it comes in a bun shaped like a hockey stick.
Sounds awful.
I never had one. It was invented by this chef named Jean Lafleur.
Man, you know way too much stuff about this guy, Drew.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Everybody Hates Chris pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
