Mother's Day was two days away, and I was up the creek without a present.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Choosin' to shoplift was the worst decision I had ever made. Even a Turkish prison would be nice compared to what my mother would do if she found out I stole.
[Chris is then shown in a Turkish prison, locked in ankle stocks with another prisoner, who screams in agony as an interrogator whips his feet]
[off-screen] CHRIS!! Boy, where you at!?
My mother's coming! Kill me now! Kill me now! KILL ME NOW!!
You better not get on stage and embarrass me in front of a bunch of white people, or else I'm gonna smack the pomp outta your circumstances.
It looks like you're going to Tattaglia after all.
But this isn't fair!
I know, but always remember this: When you get to the other side of the river, the streets of heaven will be lined with gold for you, me, and all God's children.
I was still in shock, so I didn't have the presence of mind to smack her upside the head and run.
You know, we can't let this happen. Starsky and Hutch didn't break up.
They were both white.
Butch and Sundance didn't break up.
White again.
Crockett and Tubbs didn't break up.
Tubbs thought he was white.
RRyan
You know what would be a good idea? A show about cops arrestin' people.
But what would you call it?
Graduatin' from Corleone was one of the best days of my life because I was surrounded by my family, and this was the one day I wasn't gonna get punched, kicked, beat down or talked about.
[to Mr. Perkins] Where are you gettin' this information?
I'll tell you where he's gettin' it.
Unfortunately, I think Chris is a crack baby. The mother's a little delusional. Her brain is addled by years of drug abuse and cheap wine spo-dee-o-dee. She's actually convinced herself that she has a husband who works two jobs and that they own a house in the ghetto. You can't believe a word she says.
These weren't your everyday white kids; they were bigger, faster, and stronger. Also, they were sexier. They had sexier backs... and sexier fronts.
Finally, I thought my troubles were over. I wasn't gonna be the only black kid on the bus, and I wasn't gonna be the only black kid at lunch. And for a change, I wasn't gonna be the only black kid in my class.
Want some cash?
You kiddin' me?
Take it, man. I can get more tomorrow.
Greg was like an ATM machine with acne.
I do not need this, OK?! My man has two jobs!
Two jobs equals one finger.
[standing on a man's car] MY BABY WANTS A JOB!
MMan
Get off of my car, fool!
[overjoyed] Oh, my God! Chris!
It'd be 20 years before another woman had that reaction.
[to a blond woman] Did you dye your hair blond or did you dye your eyebrows black?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Everybody Hates Chris pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.