Rue Bennett quotes from Euphoria

Rue

[V.O.] I know a lot of you probably hate me right now, and I get it. If I could be a different person, I promise you, I would. Not because I want it, but because they do. And therein lies the catch.

Rue

[V.O.] I used to take care of my dad after school because my mom had to take a second job to cover the medical bills. A state-issued nurse would come by every day for two hours, and she'd, legit, just play Candy Crush on her phone. But, anyway, the point is, he had, like, a bunch of pills. He was too out of it to know I was high.

Rue

[V.O.] Real love is when you can't exist without someone, when you'd rather die than be apart, and the whole world goes dark, and nothing else matters but the person standing in front of you.

Rue

[V.O.] The summer before high school she started writing fan fiction. By the year's end, she had become one of the most prolific smut writers on Tumblr. She was known for her AU crossovers and her consistent NC-17 ratings. But what made her famous was her story, "The First Night," a 7,000-word fic' that was largely credited with starting the "Larry Stylinson" conspiracy theory. That Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson of One Direction were secretly fucking.

Rue

[V.O.] By 13, she started to transition. And by 16, Jules had gotten a little slutty. And every guy was the same: Cis, white, married, engaged, in long-term relationships. Some were sweet, some were weird, and a few were aggressive. And whenever anything got too uncomfortable... Jules would just imagine that she wasn't really herself, and this wasn't really her life. She was just a character in a book or a movie or a show. That none of it was real, and if it was, how did it matter? It's not like her body ever really belonged to her in the first place. But fuck it. She'd save it for the memoirs. 'Cause that was the night she met her new best friend. And although she had never really been in a relationship or even in, like, love, she imagined spending the rest of her life with her. How they'd live together in some shitty New York apartment, and maybe date other people, but always sleep in the same bed. She even said it to her once, which was probably a mistake for, like, a lot of reasons. Plus, that was before she fell for Tyler. Like, hard. Like, really hard.

Rue

[V.O.] But honestly, the best thing I've ever had is fentanyl. There's not a thing on planet Earth that compares to Fentanyl. Except Jules. Jules is a close second. Jules. Jules. Jules. Jules. And you know what would be better? Jules and fentanyl. But I can't do both, because Jules won't have me. So for now, I'll choose Jules.

Rue

[V.O.] The thought of having to stand up, exert 172 muscles each step for 35 feet, just so I can sit on cold porcelain and piss out toxins over and over again for the rest of my life makes the whole concept of living feel like one long, sadistic joke. But the absolute worst part of depression is that even though you know you're depressed, you're unable to stop yourself from getting worse.

Rue

[V.O.] Okay, this is gonna sound sick, because I'm actually in a lot of pain right now–due to the sheer weight and strain on my bladder–but man, does this make me miss opiates. Because your bladder is trained from a very early age not to pee whenever it wants to. It needs permission from your brain. And when you're really high, your brain gets a little... lazy. Too lazy to say something.

Rue

[V.O.] An adult bladder can hold two cups of urine. But if you're telling your bladder to hold off because, say, you're in the worst depression of your fucking life, your bladder will eventually fill. And what begins to happen is... all of the toxins that your kidneys have pushed into your bladder begin to travel back into your kidneys. I know what you're thinking: "Rue, this is insane. Don't get a kidney infection. Walk to the bathroom." Trust me, I'm thinking the same fucking thing.

Rue

[V.O.] They put me on Cipro, which is the antibiotic they give to people that are exposed to anthrax, started me on Lexapro, which is one of the few antidepressants that doesn't make me crazier. And kept me there for three days. It was actually really nice. I love hospitals. If I could spend the rest of my life in a hospital, I would. Because when you're in a hospital, you have zero responsibilities. They make sure you eat, sleep, stay hydrated, and if anything bad happens, there's always a doctor nearby. It's also the best place to be in the event of a mass shooting, unless the gunman kills all the surgeons. The point is, I had zero anxiety.

Rue

[V.O.] It's one thing to dislike your parents. It's not like you have a choice. But if you dislike your kid, well, that's sort of your fault.

Rue

[V.O.] The truth was, Nate didn’t give a shit about what would happen to his dad. He did, however, care about what happened to his dad’s business because, eventually, that would become Nate’s business. And while he didn’t know much about real estate… he did know there wasn’t much of a market for homes built by a pedophile… or the son of a pedophile. Even though, technically, he wasn’t a pedophile, but it’s not like you could argue that out loud. Meanwhile, Jules was at home, and she hadn’t talked to Elliot since… You know what? Actually, I don’t wanna talk about Jules and Elliot. Fuck them. Let’s go back to Maddy.

Rue

[V.O.] I was once happy, content, sloshing around in my own private, primordial pool. Then one day, for reasons beyond my control, I was repeatedly crushed over and over by the cruel cervix of my mother, Leslie. I put up a good fight, but I lost, for the first time, but not the last. I was born three days after 9/11. My mother and father spent two days in the hospital, holding me under the soft glow of the television, watching those towers fall over and over again, until the feelings of grief gave way to numbness. And then, without warning, a middle-class childhood in an American suburb.

[to Rue's parents] I'd say she's suffering from obsessive compulsive disorder...

Rue

[V.O.] It's not like I was physically abused or had a shortage of clean water or was molested by a family member.

...general anxiety disorder and possibly bipolar disorder. But she's a little young to tell.

Rue

So, explain this shit to me.

Leslie

Honey, it's just the way your brain was hardwired. Plenty of great, intelligent, funny, interesting, and creative people have struggled with the same things you struggle with.

Rue

Like who?

Leslie

Uh... [sighs] Vincent Van Gogh. Sylvia Plath. And your favorite: Britney Spears.

Rue

[V.O.] Until every second of every day, you find yourself trying to outrun your anxiety. And at some point, you make a choice about who you are and what you want.

Rue

[V.O.] I just showed up one day, without a map or a compass. Or to be honest, anyone capable of giving an iota of good fucking advice. And I know it all may seem sad, but guess what? I didn't build this system, nor did I fuck it up. And then, it happens. That moment when your breath starts to slow. And every time you breathe, you breathe out all the oxygen you have. And everything stops: Your heart, your lungs, then finally, your brain. And everything you feel, and wish, and wanna forget, it all just sinks. And then suddenly you give it air again, give it life again. I remember the first time it happened to me, I got so scared I wanted to call 911. Go to the hospital and be kept alive by machines and apple juice... but I didn't wanna look like an idiot, and I didn't wanna fuck up everyone's night. And then over time, it's all I wanted. Those two seconds of nothingness. I spent a good portion of the summer before junior year in rehab.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Rue

[V.O.] It was the end of summer, the week before school started. I had no intention of staying clean. And Jules had just moved to town.

Fezco

[to Rue about Jules] There's some new girl in town that I think you gonna be friends with.

Rue

Who?

Fezco

Shit, I don’t know. She came in yesterday lookin' all Sailor Moon and shit. I'm thinkin' to myself, like, "Looks like somebody Rue would get along with."

Rue

[V.O.] Which was sort of like a dead-on observation for Fezco, who's not normally revolving in the same direction as planet Earth.

Fezco

So, how long you been back?

Rue

Five days.

Fezco

And, like, how are you feelin'?

Rue

I mean, ever since I gave my life over to my lord and savior Jesus Christ, things have been, like, really good.

Fezco

Word? That's what's up.

Rue

Yeah, I'm fucking with you, Fez. It was a joke.

Fezco

[chuckling] Shit. Hey, I don't judge.

Rue

But low-key, is Ashtray in the back?

Fezco

You serious?

Rue

What, you think 'cause I went to rehab, I stayed clean?

Fezco

I mean, ain't that the point?

Rue

Yeah, well, the world's coming to an end, and I haven't even graduated high school yet.

Rue

[V.O.] I was out back talking to Fezco when Jules arrived.

Fezco

What the fuck, Rue?

Rue

What? What, what, what, what?

Fezco

Come on now, bruh. You owe me 120 bucks.

Rue

My bad, man. I forgot.

Fezco

Shit, you know I ain't trippin'. [pause; smokes the joint] Well, to be honest with you, your whole drug shit got me feelin' kinda uneasy.

Rue

Come on, don't go soft on me, Fez.

Fezco

No, I'm not. It's just that... I like you. And I missed you, bruh. Like, that shit at the beginning of summer had me scared as fuck.

Rue

Yeah, you and everybody else.

Fezco

I'm serious, Rue. I've seen a lot of people die. None like you. Now, I don't know what type of fucked-up shit you got goin' inside your head. And I don't know how to help, but I could tell you one thing: This drug shit, it's not the answer.

Rue

You know, I remember when I was eleven years old... It was a couple months after my dad got diagnosed, and we got the results back from the prognosis. And it was really good. It was like, 80/20. And we decided to celebrate, so... we, like, ordered a bunch of Chinese food. [chuckles] I remember that night, I was laying between my parents in bed, and... all of a sudden, I couldn't breathe. It was like there was no more air left in the world. And I was gasping, and I was panicking. And they called the ambulance, and they thought it was like... an allergic reaction or some shit. And then, when I got to the hospital, they gave me liquid Valium. Yeah. To calm me down. And when it hit me, I thought... "This is it. This is the feeling I have been searching for my entire life, for as long as I could remember." Because suddenly... [beat] the world went quiet. And I felt safe in my own head. Two years later, he was gone. Panic attacks stayed. And I found a way to live, so... Will it eventually kill me? Maybe. Fuck, maybe not. I don't know. You still gonna be my dealer, Fez?

Fezco

Shit. You a fuckin' trip, bruh. [Rue chuckles] I'm too high to be havin' this conversation right now.

Rue

Yeah, man. Me, too. Me fucking too.

Rue

[V.O.] When Nate Jacobs was eleven years old, he found his dad's porn collection. His dad, Cal, was obsessive. His mom always said that's who he got it from. Then, he quickly realized that the colored cases and placement were no accident. It was an elaborate code, that no one fucked with his shit. Every video was basically the same. They'd drink, make small talk... and then his dad would fuck the shit out of some...

Cal

Fucking whore. Fucking slut.

Rue

[V.O.] He made a long mental checklist of the things he liked and disliked about women. He liked tennis skirts and jean cut-offs, but not the kind so short you could see the pockets. He liked ballet flats and heels. He hated sneakers and dress shoes... but was fine with sandals as long as they were worn with a fresh pedicure. He liked thigh gaps, hated cankles. He liked tan lines, long necks, slender shoulders. He liked good posture and fruit-scented body mist. He liked full lips, and small noses. He liked chokers, but the lacy ones with flower cutouts or delicate patterns. He hated girls who sat like boys, talked like boys, acted like boys. But there was nothing on planet Earth he hated more than body hair. That's one of the first things he noticed about Maddy. She was basically hairless. He'd walk her home from school every day. Made him feel good to know that he was there to protect her. He knew the world was full of men who wanted to hurt Maddy. Men who hang out the windows of their cars and scream obscenities at her. College guys who wouldn't think twice about drugging her. Lonely guys who'd spot her at a mall. Men who'd rape her, torture her, sell her into sexual slavery. He didn't even like to think about it. He did, however, like to think about the things he'd do to protect her.

Nate

If anyone ever tried to hurt you, I'd kill them.

Maddy

You're, like, the sweetest guy ever.

Rue

[V.O.] He also liked that Maddy was a virgin, that no guy had ever put his penis in her.

Nate

You're a virgin?

Maddy

Yeah.

Nate

Like, fully?

Maddy

Yeah.

Nate

What about like... Have you ever been fingered?

Maddy

Only my own.