[V.O.] I was once happy, content, sloshing around in my own private, primordial pool. Then one day, for reasons beyond my control, I was repeatedly crushed over and over by the cruel cervix of my mother, Leslie. I put up a good fight, but I lost, for the first time, but not the last. I was born three days after 9/11. My mother and father spent two days in the hospital, holding me under the soft glow of the television, watching those towers fall over and over again, until the feelings of grief gave way to numbness. And then, without warning, a middle-class childhood in an American suburb.
...
PPsychotherapist
[to Rue's parents] I'd say she's suffering from obsessive compulsive disorder...
[V.O.] It's not like I was physically abused or had a shortage of clean water or was molested by a family member.
PPsychotherapist
...general anxiety disorder and possibly bipolar disorder. But she's a little young to tell.
...
So, explain this shit to me.
LeslieHoney, it's just the way your brain was hardwired. Plenty of great, intelligent, funny, interesting, and creative people have struggled with the same things you struggle with.
Leslie
Uh... [sighs] Vincent Van Gogh. Sylvia Plath. And your favorite: Britney Spears.
...
[V.O.] Until every second of every day, you find yourself trying to outrun your anxiety. And at some point, you make a choice about who you are and what you want.
...
[V.O.] I just showed up one day, without a map or a compass. Or to be honest, anyone capable of giving an iota of good fucking advice. And I know it all may seem sad, but guess what? I didn't build this system, nor did I fuck it up. And then, it happens. That moment when your breath starts to slow. And every time you breathe, you breathe out all the oxygen you have. And everything stops: Your heart, your lungs, then finally, your brain. And everything you feel, and wish, and wanna forget, it all just sinks. And then suddenly you give it air again, give it life again. I remember the first time it happened to me, I got so scared I wanted to call 911. Go to the hospital and be kept alive by machines and apple juice... but I didn't wanna look like an idiot, and I didn't wanna fuck up everyone's night. And then over time, it's all I wanted. Those two seconds of nothingness. I spent a good portion of the summer before junior year in rehab.
...
RGRehab Girls
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Hey, I'm Rue. I'm an addict.
And I've been clean for 60 days. [V.O.] For the record, I'm not not telling the truth. I've actually been doing really well. Because the morning after that whole drug-dealer-face-tattoo fentanyl excursion, I... got in a little bit of trouble... for disappearing for, like, 16 hours.
[Rue finds her mother sitting at the dining room table while trying to sneak back into her house]
Leslie
Where have you been?
I'm sorry. My phone died.
Leslie
Bullshit. You're doing drugs.
Leslie
Then where have you been? And why weren't you answering your phone? Why are you sneaking into the house?
Leslie
Who?
It... It doesn't matter, Mom.
Leslie
It matters, Rue. It matters. You're doing drugs. [sees Gia walking out of her bedroom] Gia, go back to sleep.
GGia
Rue, are you... Are you okay?
I'm fine. You can go back to sleep.
Leslie
She's okay, baby, okay? Go to bed. Good night. [to Rue after Gia leaves] I will not allow you to walk up into this house at 5:30 in the morning and lie to my face. So tell me the truth right now. Where were you?
I don't wanna have to tell you everything that's going on in my life. If you wanna drug test me, just drug test me. [V.O.] She wasn't the only person upset with me.
[Cut to Rue hanging out with Jules]
I'm not kidding, Rue. I'm not trying to become best friends with someone who's gonna fucking kill themself.
I know. I didn't mean to do this.
I've been through, like... enough traumatic shit in my life that I don't... I can't, like–
I don't wanna be around you if you don't stop using drugs.
I know. I'll stop. I promise. I just need you to do me a favor. You're not gonna like it.
[Cut to Leslie performing a drug test in the bathroom with Rue. Unbeknownst to her, she is testing Jules' urine, which causes the test to come out negative.]
Leslie
You're still grounded until I don't even fucking know.
What else is there? I told you I wasn't lying.
Leslie
[enraged] I RAISED YOU! I DID! OKAY?! AND YOU DON'T EVER FUCKING SCARE ME LIKE THAT! [calms down] You're not a good person, Rue. [Rue grins and chuckles] You smiling? Really? You're proud of that?
You know what’s a shame, Mom? My dad’s dead. Kinda keeps you from admitting what a shit fuckin’ mother you are. [scoffs] “Oh, poor Leslie. Her daughter’s an addict, but, you know, her dad did die.”
[Rue walks into Gia's bedroom]
You hear that, Gia?! You hear that?! I don’t wanna put too much pressure on you, but you’re probably gonna have to be a fucking neurosurgeon, or maybe an astronaut because if not, then Mom is zero for fucking two. And that means that it might actually just be her fucking fault.
Yeah, that means, maybe, she actually fucked up!
[Rue continues searching for the suitcase with the pills]
You don’t fucking recognize me?! Well, neither do fucking I! I DON'T FUCKING RECOGNIZE ME EITHER! Where did you put it?! [groans] You wish I was different?! So do I! You fucking hate me?! SO DO I!
...
Tell me where they are, Mom! Fuck! [screams] Where did you fucking put them?! I know they’re fucking in here, Mom! I know they’re in here! What did you do with them?! What did you do?! Where the fuck are they? What did you do with them?
We flushed them down the toilet.
[Rue stops in her tracks and hurries into the dining room, where Jules and Elliot are seated]
Leslie
You look embarrassed, Rue. You embarrassed ’cause Jules just heard everything you said? Don’t cry. Own that shit. Own what you just said.
[whispers] Fuck you. [chuckles] Oh, okay. I see what the fuck is going on here. Well, first thing’s first, Elliot here is a fucking addict... so if he tells you anything fucking different, he’s a liar and a fucking snake. Fuck you!
This doesn’t fucking concern you, Jules.
‘Cause I don’t want you to kill yourself.
Yeah, so you go tell my fuckin’ mom?!
I didn’t know what else to do.
And why the fuck would you say anything? [scoffs] You are fucking dead to me.
I fucking mean every fucking word. You're dead to me, Jules.
You and me? We're fucking done. There is nothing fucking there any more. Nothing... fucking... there. You know, I got a lot of regrets in my life. But gotta tell you, Jules. Meeting you... has gotta be at the top of my fucking list. [pause; Jules tears up] Oh, now you wanna fucking cry? Now you wanna fucking cry? Yeah, you’re a fucking vampire. You just go around fucking sucking the fucking spirit out of everyone! You like that shit... makes you feel good.
You know that’s not true.
It is fucking true. It’s all about fucking Jules, right? And you don’t know what the fuck you’re doing. You just act all fucking innocent, like you’re this fucking sweet little angel. This innocent, sweet, little fucking angel who doesn’t know what the fuck they’re doing. You know what the fuck you’re doing!
No the fuck you don’t. You love being loved! You’re a fucking greedy whore who just likes sucking the life out of people. And it fucking hurts, Jules!
No, you don’t. Stop saying that! You don’t love me! You fucking left me… when I fucking needed you. You fucking left me... when I was at my fucking lo... [breathes heavily] You fucking left me at my fucking lowest! And a real fucking friend, someone who fucking loves you, wouldn’t do some shit like that, Jules!
I love you and I wanna help you.
If you wanna help me, uh, you can honestly–You can just stay out of my fucking life. Forever. [chuckles] That would be great because, honestly, looking at you makes me physically fucking ill!
[V.O.] My mom is one of those rare people, but maybe that’s ’cause she’s my mom. She also grew up in the church. And say what you want about Christians, at least they believe in forgiveness. I don’t remember everything I said to my mom.
[Rue panics as she gets into a cold bath prepared by Leslie]
Leslie
It's okay, Rue. It's okay.
[V.O.] I wish I could say I didn’t mean any of it. Is that actually true? I mean, I thought it. I felt it… I said it. I’m sure most people would say the world would be a better place without me. I don’t disagree. In fact, I’ve been trying to leave it for as long as I can remember. Ali is also one of those rare people. The strange thing is, I bet most people would say the same thing about him. “He’s just a fucking crackhead wife-beater.” I bet his daughter said that. Even I kinda said that. That I regret. Really fucking regret. But if I'm being honest about who I am… I’m a liar, a thief. I’m violent, abusive, manipulative...
[Rue continues breathing deeply in the bathtub]
It’s cold. It’s cold, Mom. Mom, it’s cold.
Leslie
Rue, you have to break your fever, baby, okay? Okay? Come on.
[V.O.] ...and even if I got clean today, no one would forget the trauma of me not being clean. But I really regret what I said to Ali. Reducing someone’s life to a moment–an ugly moment–and punishing them for it... That’s what cops do. It’s actually what everyone does. It’s what you would do to me if you didn’t know me.
Leslie
You broke me. Completely broke me. I give up. Hey... you wanna kill yourself doing drugs? Go ahead. I'm not gonna stand in your way.
Leslie
Yeah.
Leslie
The world's your oyster.
Mom, are you fucking with me right now?
Leslie
No. If you wanna fry every last brain cell in your head, go ahead. [pause; Rue laughs] What?
Leslie
That's exciting to you, huh?
Leslie
Being a crackhead.
I just feel like there's a catch here.
Leslie
I can't convince you that your life is important. You're gonna have to make that decision on your own. You'll be 18 soon... and outta my house. And you're gonna make whatever decisions you're gonna make. I'm taking you off my plate.
Leslie
I'm gonna focus on Gia.
Yeah, but she's fine, though.
Leslie
She's been getting D's in math.
Leslie
She's been in detention three times in the past two weeks. And every morning, when I go into her room to make sure she's awake, she already up... on the phone. And I know she's not getting any sleep. But if you say she's fine... I'll just take your word for it.
I didn't know any of that.
Leslie
Why would you? You only ever think about yourself.
Leslie
If I have to choose between losing one daughter or two, I'mma fight to save her.
[thinks for a moment] No, that's fair.
Euphoria · 97 quotes
