[V.O.] I was once happy, content, sloshing around in my own private, primordial pool. Then one day, for reasons beyond my control, I was repeatedly crushed over and over by the cruel cervix of my mother, Leslie. I put up a good fight, but I lost, for the first time, but not the last. I was born three days after 9/11. My mother and father spent two days in the hospital, holding me under the soft glow of the television, watching those towers fall over and over again, until the feelings of grief gave way to numbness. And then, without warning, a middle-class childhood in an American suburb.
...
PPsychotherapist
[to Rue's parents] I'd say she's suffering from obsessive compulsive disorder...
[V.O.] It's not like I was physically abused or had a shortage of clean water or was molested by a family member.
PPsychotherapist
...general anxiety disorder and possibly bipolar disorder. But she's a little young to tell.
...
So, explain this shit to me.
Honey, it's just the way your brain was hardwired. Plenty of great, intelligent, funny, interesting, and creative people have struggled with the same things you struggle with.
Uh... [sighs] Vincent Van Gogh. Sylvia Plath. And your favorite: Britney Spears.
...
[V.O.] Until every second of every day, you find yourself trying to outrun your anxiety. And at some point, you make a choice about who you are and what you want.
...
[V.O.] I just showed up one day, without a map or a compass. Or to be honest, anyone capable of giving an iota of good fucking advice. And I know it all may seem sad, but guess what? I didn't build this system, nor did I fuck it up. And then, it happens. That moment when your breath starts to slow. And every time you breathe, you breathe out all the oxygen you have. And everything stops: Your heart, your lungs, then finally, your brain. And everything you feel, and wish, and wanna forget, it all just sinks. And then suddenly you give it air again, give it life again. I remember the first time it happened to me, I got so scared I wanted to call 911. Go to the hospital and be kept alive by machines and apple juice... but I didn't wanna look like an idiot, and I didn't wanna fuck up everyone's night. And then over time, it's all I wanted. Those two seconds of nothingness. I spent a good portion of the summer before junior year in rehab.
...
RGRehab Girls
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
[V.O.] It was the end of summer, the week before school started. I had no intention of staying clean. And Jules had just moved to town.
[to Rue about Jules] There's some new girl in town that I think you gonna be friends with.
Shit, I don’t know. She came in yesterday lookin' all Sailor Moon and shit. I'm thinkin' to myself, like, "Looks like somebody Rue would get along with."
[V.O.] Which was sort of like a dead-on observation for Fezco, who's not normally revolving in the same direction as planet Earth.
So, how long you been back?
And, like, how are you feelin'?
I mean, ever since I gave my life over to my lord and savior Jesus Christ, things have been, like, really good.
Yeah, I'm fucking with you, Fez. It was a joke.
[chuckling] Shit. Hey, I don't judge.
But low-key, is Ashtray in the back?
What, you think 'cause I went to rehab, I stayed clean?
I mean, ain't that the point?
Yeah, well, the world's coming to an end, and I haven't even graduated high school yet.
Twenty-two. [Cal offers her a drink] Thanks.
No. I'm just, visiting my grandparents.
Do you walk around like this?
Well, this is how you look generally?
I'm envious of your generation, you know? You guys don't care as much about the rules. You know, I think that's a good thing. And I don't wanna be that old guy that gives you advice, but I look at you and I think there are... two versions of how your life can go. You can either go someplace, where you're wanted for who you are... or you can stay in a town like this. End up like me. Living your life out in motel rooms. Selfishly... I hope you stay.
[V.O.] I was out back talking to Fezco when Jules arrived.
What? What, what, what, what?
Come on now, bruh. You owe me 120 bucks.
[Rue laughs and hands Fez her joint]
Shit, you know I ain't trippin'. [pause; smokes the joint] Well, to be honest with you, your whole drug shit got me feelin' kinda uneasy.
Come on, don't go soft on me, Fez.
No, I'm not. It's just that... I like you. And I missed you, bruh. Like, that shit at the beginning of summer had me scared as fuck.
Yeah, you and everybody else.
I'm serious, Rue. I've seen a lot of people die. None like you. Now, I don't know what type of fucked-up shit you got goin' inside your head. And I don't know how to help, but I could tell you one thing: This drug shit, it's not the answer.
You know, I remember when I was eleven years old... It was a couple months after my dad got diagnosed, and we got the results back from the prognosis. And it was really good. It was like, 80/20. And we decided to celebrate, so... we, like, ordered a bunch of Chinese food. [chuckles] I remember that night, I was laying between my parents in bed, and... all of a sudden, I couldn't breathe. It was like there was no more air left in the world. And I was gasping, and I was panicking. And they called the ambulance, and they thought it was like... an allergic reaction or some shit. And then, when I got to the hospital, they gave me liquid Valium. Yeah. To calm me down. And when it hit me, I thought... "This is it. This is the feeling I have been searching for my entire life, for as long as I could remember." Because suddenly... [beat] the world went quiet. And I felt safe in my own head. Two years later, he was gone. Panic attacks stayed. And I found a way to live, so... Will it eventually kill me? Maybe. Fuck, maybe not. I don't know. You still gonna be my dealer, Fez?
Shit. You a fuckin' trip, bruh. [Rue chuckles] I'm too high to be havin' this conversation right now.
Yeah, man. Me, too. Me fucking too.
[Nate enters the kitchen after watching his ex-girlfriend, Maddy, have sex with another guy in the pool. He quickly downs a tequila shot and angrily lashes out at the partygoers.]
GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE KITCHEN! FUCK! [calmly] Get out of here. Get the fuck out of here. [pause; notices Jules staring at him] The fuck are you looking at? Who are you?
I'm Jules. I'm a friend of...
You're a friend of... A friend of whose? 'Cause you're not my fucking friend. Who the fuck are you friends with, Jules? Hmm? [to the partygoers] Do you guys know who the fuck this is? Does anybody know who this is? Yo, does anybody know who the fuck Jules is?! Anyone at all! You, do you know who the fuck Jules is?! [sharply inhales when no one responds; to Jules] So, who are you?
I'm just minding my own business. I'm not trying to start anything.
Well, no, you're not. [gets close to Jules] Nobody that looks like you is minding their own fucking business. [pause] I know what you are. Yeah. Yeah, I see you. So what do you want, huh? You want some fucking attention? 'Cause I'll give you some fucking attention. [pause; Jules looks away from him] Yo, is anybody here friends with Jules? Anyone? Does anybody know who the fuck this bitch is? Yo, somebody better speak up, or this bitch is gonna get fucked up!
[Jules picks up a knife, causing Nate to slowly back away from her]
Shit. Oh, no. No, no, no...
YOU WANNA FUCKING HURT ME?!
No, I was fucking kidding!
BACK THE FUCK UP! WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM?!
Put the fucking knife down, okay? It was a joke. It was a–
YOU WANNA FUCKING HURT ME?!
You have no fucking idea!
[Jules cuts her left arm with the knife]
Jesus fucking Christ, you're a psycho!
I'm fucking invincible! [smears blood on Nate's shoulder]
You're a fucking freak! What the fuck?!
[Nate leaves the kitchen in a hurry. Jules realizes everyone is staring at her and lowers her arm.]
...By the way, I'm Jules. I just moved here.
[V.O.] When Nate Jacobs was eleven years old, he found his dad's porn collection. His dad, Cal, was obsessive. His mom always said that's who he got it from. Then, he quickly realized that the colored cases and placement were no accident. It was an elaborate code, that no one fucked with his shit. Every video was basically the same. They'd drink, make small talk... and then his dad would fuck the shit out of some...
Fucking whore. Fucking slut.
...
[V.O.] He made a long mental checklist of the things he liked and disliked about women. He liked tennis skirts and jean cut-offs, but not the kind so short you could see the pockets. He liked ballet flats and heels. He hated sneakers and dress shoes... but was fine with sandals as long as they were worn with a fresh pedicure. He liked thigh gaps, hated cankles. He liked tan lines, long necks, slender shoulders. He liked good posture and fruit-scented body mist. He liked full lips, and small noses. He liked chokers, but the lacy ones with flower cutouts or delicate patterns. He hated girls who sat like boys, talked like boys, acted like boys. But there was nothing on planet Earth he hated more than body hair. That's one of the first things he noticed about Maddy. She was basically hairless. He'd walk her home from school every day. Made him feel good to know that he was there to protect her. He knew the world was full of men who wanted to hurt Maddy. Men who hang out the windows of their cars and scream obscenities at her. College guys who wouldn't think twice about drugging her. Lonely guys who'd spot her at a mall. Men who'd rape her, torture her, sell her into sexual slavery. He didn't even like to think about it. He did, however, like to think about the things he'd do to protect her.
If anyone ever tried to hurt you, I'd kill them.
You're, like, the sweetest guy ever.
[V.O.] He also liked that Maddy was a virgin, that no guy had ever put his penis in her.
What about like... Have you ever been fingered?
[V.O.] It was the first day of school, and my heart was racing. I made a new best friend and for the first time since getting out of rehab, I was feeling good about the world. [to Jules] I've got an idea.
[holds up two pills] Wanna get high?
Didn't you just get out of rehab?
I feel like this isn't a good idea.
[Later, Rue and Jules are lying down together after taking the pills]
Do you feel anything? [pause] Rue, what's wrong?
Just so happy. [V.O.] I know you're not allowed to say it... but drugs are kinda cool. I mean, they're cool before they wreck your skin... and your life... and your family. That's when they get uncool. It's actually a very narrow window of cool. And once you pass through that window of cool... [to Jules] It's just embarrassing. I feel like everyone knows.
Rue, I don't wanna turn this into a competition, but, like, I win. For, like, a multitude of reasons.
I just... I don't wanna deal with all the fucking questions.
You're being fucking rude.
Rue, it's me. Are you okay?
You are so fucking stupid, Lexi.
'Cause I already flushed everything down the fucking toilet.
Well, I just came to check on you.
I don't want–I don't want you to fucking check on me, whether I'm fine or I'm not fine. What difference are you gonna make? Are–Are you gonna give me life advice? You gonna fucking help me?
Well, you're one of my best friends.
Give me a fucking break. 'Cause we went to fucking pre-school together? That does not make us best fucking friends.
You say all this, but what happens in three days when you knock on my door asking me to piss in some Tylenol bottle? What, you're gonna say the opposite? How we've known each other since pre-school and we're best friends? It's like you have a split personality disorder. Sorry if I miss the old you.
[V.O.] I used to take care of my dad after school because my mom had to take a second job to cover the medical bills. A state-issued nurse would come by every day for two hours, and she'd, legit, just play Candy Crush on her phone. But, anyway, the point is, he had, like, a bunch of pills. He was too out of it to know I was high.
[Fez hears his walkie talkie buzz while counting cash]
Nah, bro. Tell her to come back later.
Hold on, hold on. You can't be in here right now.
I need some OCs and some socks.
I can't help you right now. You gotta go.
[Rue ignores Fez and walks into his bedroom]
Yo, for real, Rue. I ain't fuckin' playin' with you. [pause] Come on. You can't be in here.
Look, Fez. I'm fucking drenched, okay? And, uh... I'm out of drugs, so... don't be a dick.
Oh, my God. That's not my fuckin' problem! You gotta get up outta my house right now before these motherfuckers come through. For real.
All I need is a couple OCs, and some xannies. That's all I need, and I can be gone.
Yo, I'm tryin' to tell you, I don't got shit right now. Like... Come back in a few hours, I got you, whatever you need. But right now, you gotta get the fuck up outta my house.
I know you have something, Fez.
I'm tellin' you I don't got shit for you, bruh! Come on! [Rue walks out of his bedroom] I need you out the house right now! My guy's about to come through, and I don't want you here when he gets here, you understand?
[sighs; lays on Fez's couch] Give me drugs.
This is dead serious. Yo, Rue.
[Fez's phone starts vibrating. Rue looks up from the couch as Fez glares at her]
[beat] I could fuckin' kill you right now. [to Ashtray on his walkie talkie] Yo, Ash, they're here.
[Fez grabs a couple cash bundles and pulls out a gun hidden between the couch cushions. He checks the magazine before loading and cocking the gun.]
Look, I'm serious, Rue. Just stay right there, keep your mouth shut, and be cool. These dudes ain't fuckin' around.
[V.O.] Now, I'm not gonna lie... that's when I started to get a little scared. I mean, I'm all good with drugs until guns start coming out.
Hey, I'm Rue. I'm an addict.
And I've been clean for 60 days. [V.O.] For the record, I'm not not telling the truth. I've actually been doing really well. Because the morning after that whole drug-dealer-face-tattoo fentanyl excursion, I... got in a little bit of trouble... for disappearing for, like, 16 hours.
[Rue finds her mother sitting at the dining room table while trying to sneak back into her house]
I'm sorry. My phone died.
Bullshit. You're doing drugs.
Then where have you been? And why weren't you answering your phone? Why are you sneaking into the house?
It... It doesn't matter, Mom.
It matters, Rue. It matters. You're doing drugs. [sees Gia walking out of her bedroom] Gia, go back to sleep.
GGia
Rue, are you... Are you okay?
I'm fine. You can go back to sleep.
She's okay, baby, okay? Go to bed. Good night. [to Rue after Gia leaves] I will not allow you to walk up into this house at 5:30 in the morning and lie to my face. So tell me the truth right now. Where were you?
I don't wanna have to tell you everything that's going on in my life. If you wanna drug test me, just drug test me. [V.O.] She wasn't the only person upset with me.
[Cut to Rue hanging out with Jules]
I'm not kidding, Rue. I'm not trying to become best friends with someone who's gonna fucking kill themself.
I know. I didn't mean to do this.
I've been through, like... enough traumatic shit in my life that I don't... I can't, like–
I don't wanna be around you if you don't stop using drugs.
I know. I'll stop. I promise. I just need you to do me a favor. You're not gonna like it.
[Cut to Leslie performing a drug test in the bathroom with Rue. Unbeknownst to her, she is testing Jules' urine, which causes the test to come out negative.]
You're still grounded until I don't even fucking know.
What else is there? I told you I wasn't lying.
Do you think people are, like, one hundred percent straight? Or one hundred percent gay?
No, 'cause obviously there's, like, bi people, asexual, pan. Sexuality is like a spectrum, you know?
I don't know. Do you think straight guys ever, like, watch gay porn?
Not if they're a hundred percent straight.
You just said it's a spectrum.
Yeah, on either side of the spectrum is gay and straight.
No. He's, like, super straight.
It would explain why they're fighting.
It's not about any guy that I know.
All I know is that most guys are, like, weird, gross, and fucking pathetic.
