E.R. quotes

Kerry

[after a drug-addicted woman unknowingly gives birth] I heard about your unexpected delivery.

Carol

Oh, whose version?

Kerry

She's screaming for a lawyer.

Carol

She's high on something. Crack, probably.

Kerry

When she comes down, she might see things differently, but you should fill out an incident report. Document your account.

Carol

Kerry, she's a crack addict. That baby popped out. I did not drop it.

Kerry

Yes, but after your suspension last year, her accusations might carry more weight. Can anyone back you up?

Carol

Mark Greene was there.

Kerry

Good. Make sure you're on the same page.

Carter

You know, I'm not your student anymore.

Benton

I know that.

Carter

Then you can treat me like any other colleague.

Benton

You're not a colleague. You're an intern!

Carter

For three years, I did everything you asked of me and more. I deserved your respect because I earned it.

Benton

And you threw it away!

Carter

Why? Because I don't want to be like you?

Benton

No, because you wasted my time.

Carter

This isn't about your time. This is about your egotism.

Benton

Yeah, yeah, right, Carter. I'm egotistical. You know what? I got a lot of people that worked that damn hard to make sure I am where I am and for them, I got be self-centered. I don't take time for anything. But, you... man, man. I did for you, Carter. I did, man. You decide you don't want to be a surgeon, you don't come to me. You go to Anspaugh.

Carter

Well, I was afraid you'd talk me out of it.

Benton

I wish I had the chance to try.

Carter

Hey, okay. You're right. I'm sorry.

Benton

Can I go home now?

Carter

Yeah.

Benton

You know what, Carter? You don't wanna be treated like my student? Stop seeking my approval.

Mark

Carol, I got that autopsy report on the crack baby. He died in utero two days ago.

Carol

Well, I guess we're both off the hook.

Mark

Carol, it wasn't a matter of me believing your or not believing you. I would have been on your side.

Carol

Well, maybe if you'd been on the patient's side earlier none of this would have happened.

Mark

What?

Carol

I checked her chart. That woman had been in here four times in the past seven months. You saw her twice and never once did a pregnancy test.

Mark

Was there reason to?

Carol

Evidently, yes.

Mark

So we're supposed to give pregnancy tests to every female crackhead who comes through the door?

Carol

That's not what I'm saying.

Mark

Then what?

Carol

God forbid this woman ever finds out what her real malpractice suit is. I would back you up. Say there was no reason for a pregnancy test. The fact is, we should have done something.

Mark

What? What should we have done? We can't help people who can't help themselves.

Carol

No, Mark, those are exactly the people we should be helping.

Kerry

[as Jeanie is leaving work] Good. I'm glad you're still here.

Jeanie

I'm surprised that you are.

Kerry

Jeanie, I had every right to be angry. I went to the mat for you. We had a deal.

Jeanie

I couldn't just stand there and watch him die.

Kerry

You don't know that he would have.

Jeanie

We were losing a pulse. It was worth the risk, Kerry.

Kerry

Jeanie, you made a decision to continue working here and I supported it, but sometimes our decisions affect more than just ourselves.

Jeanie

And in this case, a man is still alive.

Kerry

I appreciate that, but we all agreed you'd work under specific guidelines. You have to stick to them.

Jeanie

I know, I know. But if I had to do it again, I can't say I wouldn't do the same thing. I waited as long as I could to put in that chest tube. I didn't have a choice.

Kerry

He had multiple rib fractures. You could have cut your finger and bled inside his chest.

Jeanie

But I didn't.

Kerry

We agreed you wouldn't put your hands into any poorly visualized cavities.

Jeanie

What was I supposed to do?

Kerry

Walk away.

Jeanie

He would have died.

Kerry

That's the risk you assume for your patients when you continue to work here with HIV.

Carter

[on inserting a catheter] Now you are ready to insert, applying gentle, constant pressure.

Isn't this a nurse's job?

Carter

You need to know how, Ivan. So grab that penis, and show it who's boss.

Cynthia

[to Mark] Who peed in your cornflakes?

Elizabeth

Peter Benton, Rocket Romano.

Romano

Dr. Benton. Hey, Lizzie's talked about you. Tell me something. Do you think Chris Rock is funny?

Benton

Excuse me?

Romano

The comedian, Chris Rock. He did that HBO special. Must have used the N-word 50 times; N-word this, N-word that. They're calling him a genius. If I went around saying the N-word, you'd probably want to smack the hell out of me. Am I right?

Benton

[long pause] I think Chris Rock is hilarious. [walks away]

Romano

[calling after him] Good to meet you!

Elizabeth

Have a good night!

Romano

[ironically] You're right. I like him.

Doug

You've been in a bad mood for months and I don't know how to talk to you anymore.

Mark

Then don't. [walks away]

Doug

All right.

Carol

What's the statute of limitations on post-traumatic stress?

Doug

Cut him some slack.

Carol

I think we've all cut him plenty. He needs some help.

Doug

He doesn't need a shrink. He needs friends who support him.

Carol

He's not going to have any friends, supportive or otherwise, if he keeps this up.

I looked him dead in the eye and I said, "That might fly with your Hollywood chippies, Mr. President, but I am a lady."

Carol

What did he do?

He took his hand off my rear and apologized.

Carol

And that was it?

Then I slept with him.

Carol

How many patients do you think we see in the hospital every year?

Mark

Would that be real patients, or turkeys?

Carol

Forget I asked.

Mark

Your count will be about 95 percent higher if you count all the wackos.

Mark

It's not my job to be their best friend.

Carol

No. Just their caregiver.

Carol

I'm going to miss you.

Doug

I love you, Carol. [drives away]

Carol

I love you, too.

Doug

He never drove less than 70 miles per hour his entire life. He would think it was funny to drive with his knees, his eyes closed, like it was some sort of game. Idiot. He can't even kill himself right. He has to take other people with him. Leave me to clean up the mess.

Mark

I don't think your dad planned on dying down here, Doug.

Doug

He never planned on doing anything his entire life. He didn't plan to lose our TV in a poker game. He never planned to be gone for more than a couple days. He never planned to hurt anybody in his whole life.

Mark

Your dad lost your television in a poker game?

Doug

I should have killed him myself. Saved everybody the trouble.

Doug

[on the phone, leaving message] Hey, Carol, it's Doug. I was hoping to catch you before you went to work. I'm here in Barstow and we're cleaning up. I was just thinking about you, wishing you were here. I just miss you. I just wish you were here, is all. [Mark walks into the motel room] So, I'll call you tomorrow. Okay, bye. Hey!

Mark

Who was that?

Doug

Somebody I've been seeing the last couple of months.

Mark

Couple of months? That sounds serious.

Doug

Do you want any of these ties before I give them to Goodwill?

Mark

I only wear ties to work. Is it anybody I know?

Doug

I've got a suit here. I've got an Armani. I believe it's double-breasted.

Mark

You don't want to tell me who it is?

Doug

He had a set of clubs somewhere, I think.

Mark

Why is it that you don't want to tell me who it is?

Doug

Because I don't.

Mark

It's not my ex-wife, is it?

Doug

No, it's not Jennifer.

Mark

Cynthia?! You're not, are you?

Doug

No, and neither should you.

Mark

Jeanie? Chuny? Anna?

Doug

Are you planning on naming everybody who works at the hospital?

Mark

She doesn't work at the hospital?

Doug

It's Carol.

Mark

What?

Doug

Carol Hathaway. You're mouth's open.

Mark

I'm speechless.

Doug

Well, I'm relieved.

Mark

You didn't miss much not having your dad around when you were growing up. Believe me.

Doug

That's kind of a crappy thing to say, isn't it?

Mark

It wasn't my idea to come down here.

Doug

Don't stay.

Mark

Don't worry, I won't.

Doug

I'm confused. Your father's still alive, right? He's still with your mother?

Mark

Oh, so that's your criteria for a good father? Longevity?

Doug

Did he smack you around a lot? Used to smack your mom around?

Mark

Oh, poor Doug.

Doug

Wait. Poor Doug? Your father, did he come into your room in the middle of the night and throw up on your bed and pass out? Did he do that? Did he leave you in a hallway in Atlantic City while he screwed some hat check girl, Mark? Did he do that? Did he do that, Mark?! Your father was there for you every night, you and your mother, and that's love. And whether it's the way you want it or not! It's love, Mark. You grew up in Ozzie and Harriet-land. Get your head out of your ass!