Drop the Dead Donkey · Season 1
We've started an office limerick competition. The person who comes up with the most offensively amusing ditty about our beloved proprietor, Sir Royston, wins a bottle of finest Moet Chandon.
Great. Sounds like fun.
Well, I've got one.
Good.
(reads)
Sir Royston's a horrible bastard.
I hate him, the big ugly bastard.
I'd like to shoot him,
Then smash his head in,
'Cos he's a bastard, the stupid fat bastard.
We seem to be out of milk.
Correction: you coffee-drinkers are out of milk. We tea-drinkers have our own milk kitty now.
How will we know which is your milk?
Easy. It's the one with "Hands off, you coffee-drinking bastards" written on it.
We better do something on Major blaming TV for all this violence.
He's absolutely right. I saw him being interviewed on the Beeb, and I was so incensed by the little turd that I headbutted the catǃ
I never realised this novel had such bad language in it.
Whose is it?
Mine! I knew I should've read it before it went to the publishers.
Did anyone see World in Action? They sneaked inside a maternity ward, to show how poor security was. I mean, I did that two years agoǃ Do you remember that, George?
How could we forget(?)
(defensively) I put the baby backǃ
Damien asks if his mother watched his reports from wartorn Azerbaijan
I saw the one where your convoy was attacked. It was extraordinary.
You thought so?
Yes. You split four infinitives.
Yes, well I was under machine gun fire at the time.
We need a rapid interface in the chin-wag department. I understand Sally is...with child.
She told you?
No, I read the graffiti in the lift.
They're not unemployed any more; they're "job seekers". Presumably we don't have homeless; we have "accommodation seekers". We don't have NHS queues; we have "bed seekers". We don't have Peter Lilley; we have a "smack-in-the-mouth seeker"!
The hoist's up and ready.
Sorry?
We have an ongoing potential uplift scenario.
Ah, got youǃ
If you can't stand the kitchen...get out of it.
Filling in these lottery tickets is harder than I thought. I was going to use the number of times I had sex last month, but the ticket only goes up to 49. (laughs)
Try limiting it to the number of times there was someone else there.
The National Lottery
What a wonderful symbol of what our society has become(!) There is a fourteen million to one chance of hitting the jackpot, and people are flocking round newsagents like Tory MPs round an arms dealer. And at the centre of it all: Noel bloody Edmonds, poncing about like some hideous cross between God and Peter Stringfellow, while people are reduced to tears of joy at being chosen to pull the handle that operates the machine that selects the balls that will make somebody else rich!
So you didn't win anything, then.
No.
Everyone seems to know about Henry's impotence
How did this get round? I told Helen in confidence!
Yeah, well, I just told Joy in confidence.
Yeah, well, I just told the office in confidence.
George meets Helen's new partner Amanda, who works as a dispatch rider
Must be hard work spending all day on a great big motor-dyke.
After telling Helen that all homosexual relationships are abhorrent to Nature, Sally is caught in breach of contract
Well, Sally, abhorrent as it is to my nature, I feel I must submit to an overwhelming biological imperative...to fine your heterosexual tits off!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Drop the Dead Donkey pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
