Damien quotes from Drop the Dead Donkey

Damien

Well, you are in a good mood, Henry.

Why not, George? God's in his Heaven, I'm taking the delightful Julia Jane out to dinner, and I've just fed Sally's dog a box of laxative chocolates.

Dave

I've always liked the Buddhist idea, when you come back but as an animal that's appropriate to the way you've lived your life.

Damien

I wonder what I'd come back as.

A vulture.

How about Princess Michael?

Dave

Myna bird.

Damien

What about Roy Hattersley?

Dave

Toad.

Cecil Parkinson?

Dave

Horny toad.

Yes, but what would he come back as?

Damien

You know you kill 300 brain cells with every sip. (Dave takes a swig) That's 600.

Sally

Yes. Well, that's why I don't drink.

George

(tipsy) Very wise. One half of shandy could wipe out your whole brainǃ

Damien

Which one was Caligula?

Joy

He murdered his mother, married his sister, and then ate the baby.

Damien

Why can't we have stories like that now, eh? "Charles tops Queen and then eats Princess Anne's love-child".

Dave

Andrew Neil's already run that one, hasn't he?

Damien

Did anyone see World in Action? They sneaked inside a maternity ward, to show how poor security was. I mean, I did that two years agoǃ Do you remember that, George?

George

How could we forget(?)

Damien

(defensively) I put the baby backǃ

I saw the one where your convoy was attacked. It was extraordinary.

Damien

You thought so?

Yes. You split four infinitives.

Damien

Yes, well I was under machine gun fire at the time.

Dave

What a wonderful symbol of what our society has become(!) There is a fourteen million to one chance of hitting the jackpot, and people are flocking round newsagents like Tory MPs round an arms dealer. And at the centre of it all: Noel bloody Edmonds, poncing about like some hideous cross between God and Peter Stringfellow, while people are reduced to tears of joy at being chosen to pull the handle that operates the machine that selects the balls that will make somebody else rich!

Damien

So you didn't win anything, then.

Dave

No.

Damien

When a herd is being culled, they do not shoot the youngest, fittest male.

Dave

They might do, if that youngest and fittest male had just been discovered at a White House reception dressed in drag, in the hope that Clinton might make a pass at him.

Damien

It might have worked. He offered me a cigar.