Dave quotes from Drop the Dead Donkey

Dave

Another big statement from President Bush. From inside a bunker.

George

A bunker?

Dave

Yeah. Just off the thirteenth green. When the going gets tough, the tough go golfing.

George

This story is so difficult to translate so that a layman can actually understand it. I mean, they've been found guilty of theft, false accounting...

Dave

That's theft.

George

Conspiracy to inflate shares...

Dave

That's theft.

George

Then they say they didn't realise they were acting illegally.

Dave

That's bollocks.

Sally

If we call it "Sally meets Margaret". Stress the informality.

Dave

What about "The Sal and Madge Show"?

Sally

What sort of chair do you think I should have?

One we can plug in.

Dave

I've always liked the Buddhist idea, when you come back but as an animal that's appropriate to the way you've lived your life.

Damien

I wonder what I'd come back as.

A vulture.

How about Princess Michael?

Dave

Myna bird.

Damien

What about Roy Hattersley?

Dave

Toad.

Cecil Parkinson?

Dave

Horny toad.

Yes, but what would he come back as?

Damien

Which one was Caligula?

Joy

He murdered his mother, married his sister, and then ate the baby.

Damien

Why can't we have stories like that now, eh? "Charles tops Queen and then eats Princess Anne's love-child".

Dave

Andrew Neil's already run that one, hasn't he?

Helen

We seem to be out of milk.

Joy

Correction: you coffee-drinkers are out of milk. We tea-drinkers have our own milk kitty now.

Dave

How will we know which is your milk?

Joy

Easy. It's the one with "Hands off, you coffee-drinking bastards" written on it.

Dave

What a wonderful symbol of what our society has become(!) There is a fourteen million to one chance of hitting the jackpot, and people are flocking round newsagents like Tory MPs round an arms dealer. And at the centre of it all: Noel bloody Edmonds, poncing about like some hideous cross between God and Peter Stringfellow, while people are reduced to tears of joy at being chosen to pull the handle that operates the machine that selects the balls that will make somebody else rich!

Damien

So you didn't win anything, then.

Dave

No.

Dave

How did this get round? I told Helen in confidence!

Helen

Yeah, well, I just told Joy in confidence.

Joy

Yeah, well, I just told the office in confidence.

Damien

When a herd is being culled, they do not shoot the youngest, fittest male.

Dave

They might do, if that youngest and fittest male had just been discovered at a White House reception dressed in drag, in the hope that Clinton might make a pass at him.

Damien

It might have worked. He offered me a cigar.

Dave

And at what point did you mention your severe phobia of flying? And violent motion sickness?

George

Well, I didn't mention them. Not strictly speaking.

Dave

And were you okay?

George

Not strictly speaking. I filled up four of those containers, Sue's handbag and the hood of the pilot's anorak. And then we took off.

God, I'm depressed.

Dave

How depressed? Quite depressed, suicidally depressed or Virgin Rail passenger?

Virgin Rail passenger who supports Man City and is married to Ann Widdecombe.

Dave

Bloody hell!