Drop the Dead Donkey quotes

Dave

Another big statement from President Bush. From inside a bunker.

George

A bunker?

Dave

Yeah. Just off the thirteenth green. When the going gets tough, the tough go golfing.

George

This story is so difficult to translate so that a layman can actually understand it. I mean, they've been found guilty of theft, false accounting...

Dave

That's theft.

George

Conspiracy to inflate shares...

Dave

That's theft.

George

Then they say they didn't realise they were acting illegally.

Dave

That's bollocks.

I have interviewed every prime minister for the last thirty years. Yes. Alec Douglas-Home: patronising bastard. Wilson: shifty bastard. Heath: stubborn bastard. Callaghan: cunning bastard. Thatcher: cunning, stubborn, shifty, patronising bastard.

Sally

If we call it "Sally meets Margaret". Stress the informality.

Dave

What about "The Sal and Madge Show"?

Sally

What sort of chair do you think I should have?

One we can plug in.

Damien

Well, you are in a good mood, Henry.

Why not, George? God's in his Heaven, I'm taking the delightful Julia Jane out to dinner, and I've just fed Sally's dog a box of laxative chocolates.

George

I actually think it's rather important that women should have equality in the office place.

Joy

Oh, good. Then you can get your own coffee.

Dave

I've always liked the Buddhist idea, when you come back but as an animal that's appropriate to the way you've lived your life.

Damien

I wonder what I'd come back as.

A vulture.

How about Princess Michael?

Dave

Myna bird.

Damien

What about Roy Hattersley?

Dave

Toad.

Cecil Parkinson?

Dave

Horny toad.

Yes, but what would he come back as?

George, "Jesus died for our sins" is the biggest news there's ever been, now isn't it?

George

Well, I mean it did happen over two thousand years ago.

Have you tried the Daily Express?

Damien

You know you kill 300 brain cells with every sip. (Dave takes a swig) That's 600.

Sally

Yes. Well, that's why I don't drink.

George

(tipsy) Very wise. One half of shandy could wipe out your whole brainǃ

You see, I have a very important function in those meetings.

Helen

Good. And that is?

Well, I'm a sort of hands-off, eyes-on, overviewing, non-participatory, sort of hands-off...I'll get back to you on this. Terrific, Helen. You keep up the good work! (mutters) Cunning bitch.

Damien

Which one was Caligula?

Joy

He murdered his mother, married his sister, and then ate the baby.

Damien

Why can't we have stories like that now, eh? "Charles tops Queen and then eats Princess Anne's love-child".

Dave

Andrew Neil's already run that one, hasn't he?

All I want is a large drink, a warm bed and a loose woman.

Jean Schafer, Jim'll Fix It.

I didn't know Jim could fix that.

Is my hair alright?

Joy

What do you mean, your hair?

It's alright, Gus. I know you haven't done this sort of thing very often. If ever. That's why I like you.

You see, when it comes to sexual interfacing with the female gender group, I've always been caution-orientated due to ongoing problems of an adaptive nature, regarding the gooeyness factor on the physical front.

Yes, this is absolutely ridiculous. This sexual harassment must stop now. I mean it, Henry. How dare anyone in this office use their power and influence to make sexual advances to these poor, terrified mesmerized, sexually inexperienced men. And women. And I hope that's clear. Anyway, just a thought.