[First lines]
(offscreen) This is the Drawn Together house, where eight different cartoon characters from all over the animated universe will live together in front of a million cameras. Introducing: Princess Clara, a musical and bigoted fairy tale princess. Wooldoor Sockbat, a fucking annoying, wacky whatchamacallit. Foxxy Love, a mystery-solving musician with a sweet ass. Toot, a black-and-white heartthrob from '20s. Plus, she's fat. Ling-Ling, a sociopathic Asian trading-card battle monster. Xandir, a totally gay video game adventurer. Spanky Ham, a crass internet download who farts on retards. Captain Hero, another person in the house. This is Drawn Together, the first ever animated reality television show, ever.
I'm Toot. I'm a sex-symbol.
I'm Xandir. I'm on a never-ending quest to save my girlfriend!
Girlfriend? You have a girlfriend?! When were you gonna tell me about this girlfriend?!
But we just met, like, two seconds ago?
Oh yeah? Well, can your stupid girlfriend do this?
[Toot dances the Charleston, shaking the house due to her weight]
Save yourselves! [Flies out of the house]
[Lyrics to Some Black Chick's Tongue]
What is this thing in my mouth?
It's slippery and its slimy
Traveling down my slender virgin pink esophagus
Some black chick's tongue,
It's such a new sensation.
I got a mayonnaise momma on my licking hole, oh yeah, Foxxy's gettin' some.
It's really quite thrilling.
That's right now, you know.
I think I taste a filling.
Never dreamed I'd be so willing to let myself go.
Tell me about it, I'm totally frenchin' a racist ho!
This black chick's tongue. What a wonderful feeling.
Damn, where'd this bitch get her earrings?
I've never had so much fun.
BBoth
As with this black chick's tongue.
How cool is this? We've only been here a day and I already find myself in a three way
What happens in fairy tales after the princess has her first kiss? Hmm?
She runs away with a sexy one-eyed pirate who loves as fiercely as he lives.
Not that fairy tale, food-for-brains! The other one!
Let's see. They live happily ever after in a castle with a couple of...kids! Oh my God, I am pregnant!
[in Japanese gibberish] Oh my God, the sink's full of dirty dishes again.
So you see, Clara. You can't get pregnant from a kiss.
But...[She stands up and runs off into upstairs] But...Oh no! [crying]
Well, what's wrong now? You should be happy you ain't pregnant.
No man will ever want to put his pee-pee in my giggy!
[Clara is doing an interpretive dance, humming]
Really, when you was but a child. Your evil stepfather put a curse on your vagina?
What? Weren't you paying attention? My evil stepmother. Mother placed a curse on me.
I never understood why she did it...until now. No man will ever want to enjoy the special hug with me. She did it so I'd never find my true love. [crying] Oh, but please, please don't tell anybody about my secret, and I'm afraid I must ask you guys to keep my secret with a pinky swear.
[they look at Toot]
[gravelly voice] I pinky swear.
[knocks on door] Hey, Clara, Toot told us you have a monster for a vagina and we want to have a house meeting about it.
How is that even possible? [stares at Toot]
Oopsey-Tootsey. I couldn't help myself.
[Lyrics to La-la-la-la Labia]
La la la la labia baby you got something for me.
SHSpanky and Captain Hero
In your wizard's sleeve.
La la la la labia baby you got something for me.
SHSpanky and Captain Hero
Some sweet PT.
Hoochie coochie, gitchy gitchy, yeah, yeah, yeah, Gotta snatcha, gonna catcha, yatcha, yeah yeah yeah, Binja minja, bearded clam. Furry burger, smiley sam. La la la la labia baby you got something for me.
Fluffy muffy stuffy in the yeah, yeah, yeah. I gotta fever for the beaver weaver, yeah yeah yeah, Honey pot peachie pie.
La la la la labia baby you got something for me.
SHSpanky and Captain Hero
In your wizard's sleeve.
La la la la labia baby you got something for me.
SHSpanky and Captain Hero
Some sweet PT.
Bushy bushy, fishy squishy, yeah, yeah, yeah. Smelly jelly underbelly yeah yeah yeah. La la la la labia, baby you got something for me
SHSpanky and Captain Hero
In your wizard's sleeve.
La la la la labia baby you got something for me.
SHSpanky and Captain Hero
Some sweet PT.
Cookie nookie, slitty kitty, yeah, yeah, yeah, I diggy giggy, murky wiggy, yeah, yeah, yeah. La la la la labia baby you got something for me
SHSpanky and Captain Hero
In your wizard's sleeve.
La la la la labia, baby you got something for me
SHSpanky and Captain Hero
Some sweet PT.
La la la la labia, baby you got something for me
SHSpanky and Captain Hero
in your wizard's sleeve.
La la la la labia, baby you got something for me
SHSpanky and Captain Hero
Some sweet PT.
There's got to be a way a break this curse.
The only person who knows how is my evil stepmother. And I can't ask her. We're in a fight. Fine. I'll call her on my mirror. Call evil step-mom.
ESEvil Stepmother
Ah, well, well, well, look who's finally calling to apologize.
I'm not apologizing! You should apologize!
ESEvil Stepmother
For what, trying to make you happy?
You thought marrying my father would make me happy?!
ESEvil Stepmother
You never gave me a chance!
Why should I? You're not my mother!
ESEvil Stepmother
I never said I was!
THEN STOP PRETENDING TO BE!
ESEvil Stepmother
Clara, your mother's dead! [gasps in shock] The good lord and your father's drunken carriage driving took her away from us, and there is nothing anyone can do about it.
I miss her. I miss her so much, it hurts. I'm sorry.
ESEvil Stepmother
Me too, dear. Me too. OK, now that we got that cleared up, I should probably tell you how to break the pesky little curse.
Oh, yes! Oh, yes! Do tell me how to break the curse...Mom.
ESEvil Stepmother
Oh, Clara, thank you.
[confessional] There's only one person who knows where the genie's lamp is, and he has sworn to never reveal its sacred location, but luckily, I know his only weakness. [Smells muffins] Ahhh.. [Smacks Wooldoor with a muffin pan] Tell us where the lamp is, you lousy lying piece of shit!
Lamp? [Gets smacked with time some more] I don't know what you're talking about?!
Listen, bitch! Tell us where the lamp is and maybe I'll talk to the D.A. about extenuating circumstances!
Guys, guys! Seriously, I don't even know what the lamp is!?
Fuck this shit! I'm gonna off this glue-sniffing cocksucker right fucking now!
I've seen him do it, man!
[Xandir has locked himself in the bathroom having found out that he is gay, whilst Foxxy, Clara and Spanky try to coax him out].
[knocking on door] Xandir, please come on out. It's totally cool that you're gay, stop beatin' yourself up.
Seriously, Xandir, it's not your place to punish yourself, it's God's!
[in the bathroom] Leave me alone! I'm taking another gay test!
What? The only test in there is a pregnancy test!
Oh, great, now I've got two problems.
[Lyrics to Bully Song]
Bullies are people who hate themselves.
Abused at age six or molested at twelve, so they pick on others. Isn't it odd?
Because their real quarrel is with God. Who's afraid of a bully?
[giggles] Not me. For there are much
better things to be frightened of
like people of color and gay homo love.
So stand up to the bully stand tall and true, just like Jesus stood up to those misguided Jews.
Now, who's afraid of a bully?
When you stand up to the bully.
Oh yes, he'll flee like the pathetic, insecure, cowardly loser he be.
[cries] My dear little friends! They're dead! DEAD! BECAUSE OF YOU!
You said you were my friend!
[hugging Clara] I know! I know! Are you as turned on as I am?
What? What the hell did you say?!
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. When I get upset, I just say the craziest things! Can I borrow five bucks?
Just go, Wooldoor! Just go! To my bedroom, my purse is in the top drawer. There should be like, five, maybe ten dollars in there!
[Wooldoor leaves, cries]
And Spanky tried to take him, but I sang your song and stood up to him!
[gasped] Oh! [kisses a chipmunk]
I'm so sorry, Clara, for everything I did. Oh, please, please, forgive me?
Oh, Wooldoor, I...I forgive you.
You do? Ohh! [He and Clara hugged] Hug.
[Confessional] Wooldoor took responsibility for what he did. And besides, to forgive is a mitzvah. [Confessional off] Oh, chipmunk. I didn't know I was leading you all into a trap. Can you ever forgive me?
CChipmunk
I forgive you, my princess. And don't worry, I won't tell the others.
So, uh...you won't tell anyone that I'm indirectly responsible for the genocide of your people?
CChipmunk
Uh...no. Of course not.
[sighs] I wish I could believe you. [casually kills the chipmunk]
