Drake & Josh · Season 1
Do you guys have free refills on the ginger ale?
[insanely mad] Oh, you want some ginger ale, do you? Yeah, Chad can't get enough of his precious ginger ale. Oh, no! Well, I'll tell you what, Chad, why not call up the ginger ale headquarters and have them back up a tanker truck to your mouth, so Chad can drink ginger ale til' there's no more ginger ale for the REST OF THE EARTH'S POPULATION!!!!
[Drake and Josh are in Megan's room]
Now, put Megan's camera back where you found this. Being in her room creeps me out.
Yeah, me, too. [looks at Megan's hamster] Awww. Look at Megan's hamster. He's washing his little face.
Look, let's just get out of here.
Just wait. This is too cute. I gotta get a picture of him.
Well, hurry.
Okay! Smile, Hervay.
[Hervay falls down from the camera shot Josh took]
Awww. He's playing dead.
I think he really is dead!
Oh! That hamster cannot be dead. If that hamster is dead, we're dead because Megan’s gonna kill us!
W-W-What can I do about it?
I don't know you watch o.r.! Fix him.
Okay, okay. Um, alright, I need a CBC, uh, a chem seven chest phone.
Just give him CPR!
[whining] Oh Alright! [takes out Hervay from his cage] Stay with me buddy, stay with me!
Okay.
[blows on Hervay's mouth] 1 1,000 , 2 1,000 , 3 1,000 , BREATHE! [blows on Hervay's mouth again and tries to pick him up but fails] That's it. 10:22, I'm calling it!
NO! [runs up to Hervay and blows his mouth]
[Grabs Drake backwards] HE'S GONE!
Josh, Megan is going to kill us!
Maybe she won't. Maybe she'll understand.
Think about it. Megan does horrible horrible things to us every day for no reason. Now, SHE HAS A REASON!
WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!
[Drake quickly puts the camera in her drawer and Josh puts Hervay back in his cage and spins his running wheel as they leave Megan's room fast]
She got us, by not getting us.
Genius.
[Megan uses a remote to create a hole on the floor to make Drake and Josh fall to the garage from their bedroom]
Okay, that was good revenge, too. And by the way, you didn't kill Hervay. The camera flash just stunned him. He's fine, see? [shows Drake and Josh her pet hamster Hervay who is still alive]
MEGAN!
Man, we can't get into the Reptile Room [nightclub]. You have to be over 21.
You are, Mr... [pulls out fake ID] Yakitori!
[takes fake ID and looks at it] What's this?
Fake ID, here, check mine out. [takes out his own fake ID and gives it to Josh]
[reads the name on Drake's fake ID] Jefferson Steelflex?
[laughs] Yeah, made it up.
[sarcastically] Oh, REALLY! So you're suggesting that we use fake IDs to get into a nightclub posing as... [reads the names on the IDs again] Jefferson Steelflex and Alvin Yakitori?
Yep. And, hey, we gotta be there before 10:30 because I'm pretty sure...
It's illegal to use fake IDs!
Yeah, well, it's illegal to rob banks, but people do it!
Yes, people who are BANK ROBBERS!
What's this?
That's a grapefruit.
[eats the grapefruit] It's a little sour. Good thing I always carry around a little sugar with me. [puts sugar on the grapefruit]
[after Blaze has gone]
Are you CRAZY?! What if Mom, Dad or Megan are downstairs?
Look, both of the cars are gone, alright? So nobody's home.
Good. Oh, quick. Quick, let's call the cops before he comes back.
Yeah, right, right, right, right.
Okay.
Uh...
Uh, alright. [pushes the phone with his head and he and Drake struggle to call the police] Alright, work together. Teamwork.
Okay.
Teamwork.
Alright.
To the left.
Ow!
To the--
Grab it.
Alright. [the phone slides away from him and Drake] Teamworking.
Grab it. Alright, press the 9, man.
Oh, this isn't gonna work.
Alright. Fine, fine, here. [puts it behind him] I'll hold it behind my back, you dial it with your nose.
I'm not sticking my nose down there.
Would you rather take your chances with a vicious criminal?
I think so.
Oh, just dial the number.
Alright. [presses the 9 button with his nose] 9. [then the 1 button] 1.
[sneezes on the phone and Drake lets go of it]
Aw, man. You sneezed on my palm.
It is allergy season.
What was that?
It sounded like a car door.
It's some goofy-looking dude in a really bad shirt.
Dad.
[after tapping a jar of pickles with a knife and glass goes everywhere] Thanks for the tip, dad!
Josh! Josh! [trips on the glass]
Um, what are you doing this Saturday night?
Going to a concert at the Mega Dome.
Why?
'Cause we bought tickets.
[to Drake] Not you! [to Megan] Why do you wanna know what we're doing Saturday night?
I don't care what you're doing.
But you just asked us.
Or, maybe you, just asked yourselves! Yeah. Think about that... [Megan leaves their room smiling smugily]
Okay I wanna know what her deal is!
Yeah, yeah, yeah she's up to something!
Yeah, first she hangs up the phone, pretends to not be talking to anybody.
Yeah, and she measures our necks and asks of our social plans.
Wait, she said we asked ourselves about that.
Really, you're not a smart boy.
[Drake and Josh walk into the Premiere disguised as Jews]
Okay, all I'm saying is, the next time we need disguises, I'm getting them!
I told you, the costume shop was closed, the temple was open! And these are good disguises.
I don't even know what accent to talk with.
Doesn't matter, just sound foreign.
Can I help you gentlemen find something?
[Irish accent] Top of the mornin' to ya, how are ya? Potata!
Potato?
[Irish accent] Come along, Pontiac.
Yes, let's go observe the mulberry bush!
Pip pip da doodly-doo!
Pip pip da doodly-doo! I'm gonna start sayin' that.
Drake! Drake! Wait until you hear this! [crashes into door and then recovers, walking in] You are not gonna believe this! Whoa, man! You are not gonna believe this!
Mrs. Hayfer died?!
No! Corey has a girlfriend!
Yeah, I know. He's with Megan. That's why we gave him our pants.
Another girlfriend.
What?!
You heard my words! That Corey's a little two-timing, girl-kissing, Japanese candy-giving jerk!
What is so special about Japanese candy?
Oh, it's a big deal. Now what are we gonna do about this?
We're gonna tell Megan. That's what we're gonna do.
No!
Yes!
We can't go to Megan with this.
We could if you'd let go of my shirt!
Look, if we tell Megan, she's gonna think we're making it up. She's gonna think we're lying just to keep her from dating Corey.
Oh, man. You're probably right. So what are we gonna do?
That's them, those 2 men from Ireland!
Stop the film!
WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?!?!
These 2 freaks just tried to steal my popcorn and then sat on my girlfriend!
Ah, she's too young to be havin' a boyfriend!
She's just a wee-er!
Wee!
Wait a minute... [rips off their fake beards] What are you boobs doing here?!
Who are they?
My idiot brothers.
[happily kisses Drake and Josh's cheeks] I love you guys.
[injured] Dude, you're crying.
[injured] He kicked me in the throat.
[Opening comments: Drake and Josh ask the viewers random questions]
(happily) Hello, what's your name?
(happily) Hi! Who are you?
What is your favorite thing to eat?
What games do you like to play?
(happily) Me, too!
Hey, do you like me?
Do you wanna be my friend? (Smiles creepily)
Aw, thank you!
(offended) What is that supposed to mean?
You think I'm handsome? What a special thing to say!
(outraged) What? Who are you calling a dork? Hey hey hey hey! Go get your mother! Yeah I'm talking to you!
A present? For me?
Alright just put your kid right in front of the TV set because I have a few things to say!
[holding a plate of cookies] A plate of cookies? Ohh, yummy!
I-I think it's pretty rude to tell a person that he's a --[offscreen boy spits in his eye]... did you just... you spit in my eye!
Mmm... these are my favorite!
Ohh, it burns! Aghh! Aghh!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Drake & Josh pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
