TV show quotes
[to Josh] Looks like your twitching days are over.
And it looks like you just won the talent contest for the second year in a row.
Actually, it's three years! It's a three-peat just like I predicted!
WHO ARE YOU?!
I love you. Bye! [runs away]
[to Drake] It's gotta be fun being you.
Yeah...
I'd be nervous if I knew a million people were watching me on Live TV. That's pressure.
Pressure.
Serious pressure. I mean, think about it. You make one mistake and millions of people see it. That's almost making like millions of mistakes in front... of the whole world.
I never thought about that.
... Yeah, well, I'm sure you'll be fine. Unless, of course, your twitch comes back.
What twitch?
Remember the 4th grade, Josh, the twitch.
Who told you I twitched?
Dad.
Dad!
We gotta rehearse now
Hey! Will you tell him that I’m doing the twitch right?
That’s not how he did it. He did it like this
(Groans and crouches down under the counter)
[Josh finishes his test and shuts his car door]
Don't slam the door! This isn't 1 of your teenage parties.
Sorry.
Now, Mr. Nicholas, I assume you expect a driver's license.
Look, if I could just retake the test, perhaps with someone less angry, I-
Don't interrupt me! You passed.
But if you- I passed?
Yes, Don't you hear good, you're an excellent driver. [gives him a paper] Now, go get your driver's license before I change my mind.
Wow! Aw, this is awesome. Thank you. [hugs her]
Agh! Get off me before I call the cops. [walks away]
I'm street legal! [runs inside to get his license]
[Drake finishes his test]
That was the most fun driving test I've ever given.
So, uh, where do I pick up my driver's license?
You don't.
Oh, Carly, seriously, uh, where do I pick it up?
Uh, Drake, I'm sorry, but I can't pass you.
Why not?
Well, let's see. [looks at her clipboard] You ran 4 stop signs, 2 red lights, drove on the sidewalk, rear-ended a firetruck... oh, and you almost ran over an old lady in a wheelchair!
Well, she was hoggin' the lane.
Drake, you're a great kid, but bad driver. Anyway, call me. I'd love to hear your band play. [walks away]
Hey, you owe me $3.75 for that combo meal!
What's the matter with you!?
Hey, Drake. Will you drive me to oboe practice?
You know I didn't get my license.
I know. I just love making you say it. [leaves the kitchen, then returns and speaks from the door to tease him again] Drake, later, will you drive me to the...[Drake throws a piece of food at her to shut her up, she screams and dodges]
[Drake woke Josh up in the middle of the night using his guitar]
Oh, good, you're up. Here, let's go get some tacos, you drive.
What? [looks at the clock] It's 3 A.M. [rolls under his blanket]
Yeah, I like to call it the taco hour.
Go make some. We have taco stuff in the kitchen.
Yeah, but Chez Taco's only a few miles away. Come on, just give me a ride.
No, I will not drive into the night on some Mexican adventure.
Okay, I thought that a corn shell full of beef and cheese would be a small reward for, I don't know, helping you keep your driver's license.
Okay, that's it. Stop dropping guilt bombs on me. You did me a favor, and I appreciate it. But now you're trying to take advantage of me, and I won't have it, you hear me?
Oh, I hear you, and maybe dad's gonna hear me when I tell him that you ran a stop sign and got a pretty little traffic ticket. What do you say to that?
I say, [pauses] it's taco time! [he and Drake both leave the room]
[Drake got pulled over because of a tail light being out]
Son you have a tail light out.
Yeah, stick it to him copper!
May I see your driver's license please?
Uh, yeah, about that.
Tell them, Drake. Tell him how you don't have a driver's license.
You don't have your license?
No, he doesn't. That's why I had to drive you around all night.
Wait. So, you were driving this car?
Yeah. Why?
You have a tail-light out. Afraid I'm gonna have to give you a ticket, son.
No, sir, you're going to have to give me 2 tickets.
What for?
Well...one for the faulty tail light. And one...FOR THIS! [angrily attacks Drake. Denise, creeped out, exits the car and leaves as the episode ends]
Hello, s'mores. HELLO, PAIN!!!
[gives Josh his Campfire Kids chief hat] This is for you.
What're you doing?
Resigning. You're the new Campfire Kids chief.
But I don't wanna be the-
[shouting] NEW CHIEF!
[nervously] Yes, daddy!
[Josh and the Campfire Kids arrive at the Premiere]
Alright, Campfire Kids, huddle up.
So what movie are we seeing?
We're not seeing a movie. We're here to learn about wilderness navigation.
[all the Campfire Kids groan]
You're the worst!
[sarcastically] Thank you, Pete. Now, what would you do if someone dropped you off in the middle of nowhere?
I'd call Mom on my phone.
Say you didn't have your phone.
I always have my phone.
The battery's dead.
I always carry a-
It's broken! It fell in the lake, a bear ate it, the point is you're lost! And all you have is a compass and a topographical map of the region.
So, I have a compass and a topographical map, but I don't have my cell phone?
[beat] That tears it, we're seeing a movie!
[the Campfire Kids cheer]
[in Drake and Josh's room, Josh makes his bed until Drake arrives]
Josh, I have a problem.
Does it itch?
No. My problem is Wendy, your little forest fire kid.
Ohh. Your #1 fan.
Yeah, who's obsessed with me. Today, she verbally assaulted my date. And look, Megan found her notebook.
[hands Wendy's notebook to Josh]
Oh-ho. She wrote "Drake and Wendy" over and over. [flips through every page] Hey. If you flip through the pages really fast, there's a little cartoon of you two walking and holding hands.
[shows it to Drake]
Oh, yeah, I wonder-- [flings the notebook in the air] D'OH, THIS IS NO TIME FOR ANIMATION! She's obsessed with me!
You're exaggerating.
Oh, yeah? Here, check out her answering machine.
[walks over to the phone, then starts dialing Wendy's home number and presses a button]
[on answering machine] Hi, this is Wendy. Drake's not here right now. But if he were, that would be so awesome! I love you, Drake! Please leave a message.
[the phone beeps]
See what I mean?
So? She has a crush on you. It's cute. When I was her age, I had a crush on Oprah.
Oprah?
She's inspirational! Dude, don't worry about Wendy. This week, she loves you. Next week, she'll love...
[jokingly] Oprah?
Don't mock me.
Fine. I just hope you're right.
I am right. And you should really give Oprah a chance, she is quite--
[they hear knocking on their window]
What's that?
I don't know.
[they walk over to find out, Drake opens the blinds and is shocked to see Wendy with a jar of pickles]
Aah! Wendy? What are you doing here?
I brought you some pickles. Oh, and will you marry me? [Drake closes the blinds on her, then turns to Josh and is irritated] They're vertically sliced for sandwiches!
[Drake arrives home from school and confronts Wendy after putting flyers with his picture all over his school]
Hey, Drake!
Don't talk, just listen.
Baby, what's wrong?
You know how much trouble your little flyers caused me? Everyone in my entire school made fun of me today because of you.
They just don't understand our relationship.
We don't have a relationship. You got it? I'm not gonna sing a song for you, and I'm not your boyfriend. I'm not even your friend. So, just leave me alone. [walks away]
So when's the wedding?
[the Campfire Kids laugh and Wendy runs away]
You know that wasn't nice.
Who said I was nice?
[inside the tent] Um, could someone... let me out of here?! [shakes the tent] I hate camping, too! I'm claustrophobic! I would like some s'mores! Get me out of here!
[after Drake performs a song for Wendy, he and the Campfire Kids leave the house, leaving Josh still locked in the tent as the episode ends]
[inside the tent] Hey! I wanna go to Chuck E. Cheddar's! Oh, come on, let me out! I wanna whack a mole! Drake, Megan, could I just get some water? [shakes the tent] There's no bathroom in here! That's a problem!
Some people are born lucky. I am not 1 of those people.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Drake & Josh pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
