TV show quotes
Hello? Hello? Who's out there? Hello? [hears alien noises] Who said that? [Drake and Josh, disguised as aliens, comes through the fence gate towards her] Leave me alone! You'd better not eat my face! Stay away! [falls backwards; screams] What are you doing? [the "aliens" pause] What are you gonna do?
[exchange looks] Dance. [dance in victory] Gotcha! [chest bump]
What? [Drake and Josh take off their masks] Drake, Josh!?
Sometimes, he just drives me insane!
[Megan comes in Drake and Josh's room while Drake and Josh are still arguing together]
Hey! Hey! HEY!
What?!
[venomously] It is 11:45 PM. I am a little girl. Little girls are suppose to be asleep by 11:45 PM. Now, this is the third night in a row that you clowns kept me up with your fighting. [Drake and Josh continue arguing] HEY! [Drake and Josh stop arguing] Here. [gives Drake and Josh a ticket]
What are these?
Tickets to the Dr. Phyllis Show. You guys both go on tomorrow after school. The topic is Bickering Brothers. Now, I'm gonna go back to sleep. And I don't wanna hear another sound out of this room! [She leaves Drake and Josh's room]
I don't wanna go on the Dr. Phyllis Show.
Why? 'Cause you're afraid she'll diagnose you as a BIG JERK!?
[As they argue again, Megan comes back again and puts a smoke bomb on their table. She activates it, exiting and smirking before it emits smoke that causes the brothers to collapse unconscious onto the floor]
What I'm asking you is if there might be someone else in your household that causes you guys stress?
[furiously] Megan...!
[after all of Drake and Josh's flashbacks from the previous episodes were shown]
Unbelievable!
I know.
Bickering is one thing, but you two should be ashamed of yourselves for allowing it to escalate to physical confutations.
No! I will not share the blame here. I am the victim in this relationship.
Oh, how are you the victim?
You’re always trying to take advantage of me.
Ha!
Drake, come on, honestly. Do you ever take advantage of Josh just a little bit?
Well, but not just me. He takes advantage of everyone.
Oh, name one time.
Okay, uhh. That girl, Liza.
Hot Liza?
Yeah, you totally dated her just to get your old girlfriend back.
That's an exasperation!
Exaggeration, read a book, would ya!?
No!
Josh, tell me a little bit more about Drake and this girl hot Liza.
Glad too. See, Drake had just broken up with this girl Tori. But he wanted her back. So, he thought he’d make her jealous by making out with this hot girl Liza.
Drake, is this story true?
Yeah, but I totally learned my lesson. Let me tell ya, Liza Tupper, worst kisser ever!
I have heard that.
Liza Tupper?
Yeah, and she's not the smartest won-ton on the poo-poo platter either, if you know what I'm saying!
I have heard that.
You're saying she's dumb?
And a bad kisser!
[anger rising] Liza Tupper happens to be my daughter!
[gets up] Oh, this is awkward.
[Dr. Phyllis gets up and gets mad at Drake as she attacks him, then attacks Josh when he tries to stop her]
Alright, a toast, to the best brother I've ever had.
Back at ya, brother.
[sips his Mocha-Cola, then cringes] This is diet. Here, switch with me.
No. You already took a sip.
So?
So I don't wanna drink your backwash.
Don't be such a priss.
I'm NOT a priss!
Then switch with me.
No!
Come on, you know I hate diet.
Are you really gonna get mad about this?
You're always doing this, man. Come on.
I'm always doing it? This is what I'm talking about. I'm enjoying a delicious regular beverage.
You're still mad about the golf balls.
You can have a little diet. This is what you say. "Oh, Josh. You gave me diet soda. And you could go get a new soda."
[They have another argument. Megan comes into the living room and activates a device. The device beeps and blows out white smoke that knocks Drake and Josh out, stopping their argument as the episode ends.]
[Megan opens up Josh's birthday cake]
Ta-da.
You made me a birthday cake?
Uh-huh. Mom gave me the recipe. I think it turned out pretty good. (Lights the candle) There!
Wow! This is really good! It’s full of poison, isn't it?
No!
No, what then, huh, huh, huh?! Hot sauce, some kind of extreme laxative?!
Oh, c'mon. I wouldn't let you eat a cake that made you sick on your birthday.
I'm sorry.
It's okay. Make a wish!
All right!
[Josh blows out the birthday candles from his cake and it explodes and he turns around to Megan with cake pieces on his face]
I didn't say it wouldn't explode.
I don't blame you so much for doing it, as I blame myself for not anticipating it.
Hey, WATCH IT, WATCH IT!!! [Josh screams]
[Oprah screams as they accidentally hit her and she jumps onto the front of their car and slides off, much to Josh's horror]
OPRAH!!! Oh, my God! Oprah! Somebody call for help!
I RAN OVER OPRAH!!!
[Josh angrily comes home from the hospital after Drake pranked the whole hospital thinking Josh has a virus, which in return, causes him to get a chemical bath. His skin is now intensely orange, as if from a bad tan.]
Hey, man.
HEY, MAN?!
Hey... man?
You left me at the hospital to be chemically bathed!
Oh, yeah, how'd it go?
[sarcastically] Oh, actually, it was quite soothing especially the part where they...OH, IT WAS HORRIBLE!!
Kay, what up with the 'tude?
Do you know what it's like to get an involuntary chemical bath? It stings... EVERYWHERE!
Alright, look. Tell you what, I'm going to make up to you, okay?
No. Okay, no you're not, because that's when the badness happens. The only time you do anything nice to me is after you caused me some kind of physical damage or emotional distress. You are never going to make up anything to me ever again.
Wait, do these sound okay to you? [Drake plays his Bongos for Josh to try to cheer him up, but Josh rips the taped up Bongos then leaves] Would you bring me the hot glue gun?
NOT REALLY! [slams the door]
I'm gonna be here all night working out.
[in the kitchen] Ha!
[angrily] IT'S NOT FUNNY!
[Drake and Josh both get trapped in the bathroom after Tiberius attacks them]
Did you see those teeth?
Do you see the stain?! What's this dog's problem?
Its problem is it wants to eat us, and we're in here. [Tiberius barks] Mrs. Hayfer asks you to watch her house, but doesn't mention her dog's homicidal.
It's not on the list!
[Drake and Josh found out that Walter did not answer the phone because he was working out at home singing]
Well?
No answer.
You probably dialed the wrong number. Let me see it--
No, I think I know our own number.
Dude, just let me try- [he and Josh both fight with Josh's phone and it lands in the toilet] Nice! [sees Josh's phone in the toilet]
It's your fault. Go get it.
I'm not putting my hand in there! That's where Mrs. Hayfer pees!
Probably doesn't even work anymore.
Yeah, well, let's see. [flushes Josh's phone away] It still works.
I knew the toilet still worked, Drake. I MEANT MY PHONE!
Oh, well, that's gone.
[offscreen] Hello? Anybody home?
Who's that?
It sounds like Megan.
[offscreen] Drake? Josh?
That is Megan, Oh, no, she's outside with Tiberius!
Oh, he'll eat her alive!
Come on! [tries to open the door but Drake puts his foot on the door] Dude!
[blocks the door] Well, just 'cause she gets eaten, doesn't mean we have to.
That's our little sister out there, we've gotta help her!
Alright.
Come on. [he and Drake come out of the bathroom and see Megan in the living room to reveal that Tiberius is behaving as he loudly whispers] Megan! Run!
I don't wanna run.
[loud whisper] But he's vicious.
Yeah, he's real vicious. Ooh, down, boy. You're so scary.
[Drake and Josh walk over to her]
I don't get it. Well, he's all calm.
Evil dog, evil girl. Makes perfect sense.
Where have you two been? You were supposed to pick me up 2 hours ago.
How'd you know we were here?
Dad said you were stopping here and then picking me up, which you didn't.
We couldn't.
Yeah, we were trapped here by this demon dog.
What're you talking about?
When you're not around, he goes all berserk and tries to kill us.
Really?
Yeah/Uh-huh.
[satisfied] See ya. [she leaves Mrs. Hayfer's house and makes Tiberius bark loud at Drake and Josh and trap the boys in the bathroom again much to her delight]
[offscreen] Hello, anyone home?
Now who's here?
[offscreen] Hello, animal control.
Animal control!
[they open the door]
Hey.
Hi.
You boys have a canine issue?
Uh yeah, h-how'd you know?
Yeah, we got a call from one of the neighbors. Said she had heard loud barking and girls screaming all night long. Are you the screaming girls?
Maybe/Sorta.
Okay, where's the dog?
We're not sure.
But-but, you-you should probably put on some protective padding or something.
Yeah, this dog is big and way out of control!
Look, boys. I've been doing this 11 years. Don't worry about me. I can handle any dog situation that could possibly...
[Tiberius enters the room, barking at his new target. The officer screams as he tries to run, bumping into Drake and Josh as he passes the latter his snare pole. He retreats to the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. They also rush to the bathroom with Tiberius giving chase, running into the door which bumps aside the officer. Josh unfortunately blocks their way in with the pole, but moves it just in time to get inside and close the door]
What, you've never seen a man widdling on a toilet?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Drake & Josh pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
