Don&#039;t Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 quotes

Okay, well, um, according to Megan's Law, I'm required to tell all families with a minor that I live within a 500-foot radius and I'm a registered sex offender.

[June and the other tenants gasp in shock]

AAnthony

[standing up hurriedly] 'Sup? I'm Tony P., but my friends call me Nut-Nut.

ASAnthony's mother

Anthony, no!

View quote →

Guess what. I finally like an appropriate guy. Mark! I'm totally attracted to Mark.

Wait, Mark? My Mark? But you didn't know his name yesterday.

I know, but I just had a sex dream about him. Sex dreams never lie.

Well, I mean, I— I guess— I guess that could work. I mean, he meets all the criteria. He's cute, he's kind, he has a job.

I know! [...] He's great, right? You did it.

No, we did it.

We did it!

CJChloe and June

Yay!

Well, I'm gonna go take him down to pound town! Ahhhh! [leaves]

No! Baby steps. No!

View quote →

[referring to June's new friends from Pilates class] Why do you wanna be their friend? They're catty, obnoxious, and irritating, like all girls.

"All girls"? What do you— What do you even mean?

I mean, those girls are exactly the reason why I don't hang out with girls. They're competitive, they backstab, and they post group pictures of themselves on Facebook so they can show the world what they look like in a bikini.

That was a tankini, and I was tagged in that photo.

Look, I just prefer to hang out with dudes. They say what they mean, they like to have fun, and in a pinch, they have a penis.

View quote →

SStephanie

You're not as interesting as you think you are.

Well, you're not as skinny as you think you are.

SStephanie

Shouldn't you be dancing in a glass booth somewhere?

No, your mom took my shift.

SStephanie

My mom passed away two years ago!

Well, you look like Donald Sutherland.

View quote →

[Chloe comes home with a man and the two start making out next to June and Mark]

Chloe, we're trying to watch something.

And I am trying to do someone! Now stop watching these stupid dating shows and get in the game, June. Go out and meet somebody.

I have very tough criteria!

He can't be from your work or your gym, or live in your building.

MMark

[lowered voice] We don't work together anymore.

And he can't be someone that Chloe slept with, which is really hard to find.

Hello? How do you think I feel? I only sleep with guys I haven't slept with before. You know my scorched-earth policy.

DGDrunk guy

Um, we've actually had sex before.

Oh. Get out.

View quote →

[to June] Ooooh, you just got mind-forked.

View quote →

Luther

[answering phone] Hello, Memo Paris.

What? Who's that?

Luther

Kim Basinger's character in The Natural. Remember? The succubus who almost destroyed Robert Redford's baseball career.

Luther, can you stop being gay for one second and put James on?

View quote →

I'm drinking all the orange juice. There's enough here for both of us, but I'm gonna drink it all. I'm ignoring you. I am icing you out. I am not giving you any of my energy or my thoughts or my focus. Yep. That's what I'm doing. When friendship blows cold... it blows icy.

Ugh. Good God, woman! Stop burying me with your word avalanche.

View quote →

CCrissy

I am pregnant!

That's wonderful!

Luther

[at the same time as June] James is not the father!

CCrissy

I know. Robert's the father.

[Luther sighs with relief]

View quote →

You won, Chloe. You kept pushing me and pushing me to be more fun and spontaneous like you, and I cracked. I cracked two fried eggs on the GMA window.

What?

Two fried eggs—when you push your boobs up against the glass. It's a pressed ham when you do your butt. Ham, butt. Eggs, boobs.

You think I've been trying to get you to be like me? I didn't black lightning you or order you a pig, blow up your dinner, and kidnap your clients to get you to do fried eggs!

Then why did you do it?

Since you got that new job, you're never around.

That's what this is? You missed me?

No, I don't miss you. I... miss you reacting to me. I mean, if I can't come home from a crazy night and shock you with my stories, what am I even doing it for? If a crazy, drunk tree barfs in the forest— If Sean Young barfs in the forest, and there's no one there to see it, did it even happen?

View quote →

BBenjamin

No more games, Chloe. I came by your apartment because I wanted to surprise you, not James. Actually... [chuckles] I blew off a big meeting I had in LA because I wanted to come here and see you... because I missed you.

[turns to June and whispers] What's happening?

[whispering] I-I think he's just being honest with you. Maybe you can... you can do the same?

Oh. [turns back to Benjamin, pause] I'm having an affair with Teddy.

BJBenjamin and June

What?

June, I'm really sorry you had to find out this way. If you need to have an ugly cry, there's a couch in the bathroom.

BBenjamin

Uh, Chloe, I was just totally honest with you, so I don't get—

What don't you get? I'm having an affair with Teddy, and June's about to ugly cry. Come on, June, give them a little preview. It's like... [imitates ugly cry] I can't do it because I'm too cute.

View quote →

[As Chloe, June, and Terry are rushing to the warehouse sale]

I'm just saying, maybe last night had an effect on you.

Shut up! Shut up! This is way too much talking about a guy I haven't even had sex with! We haven't even kissed, except for a part of a Halloween trick!

You haven't even real kissed, and you like him this much? Further proof of love!

If we weren't late, so help me God, I would turn around and push you down this flight of stairs! I owe you one push down one flight of stairs!

View quote →

[after June announces she is going on a date that night] How many times have you had sex with him?

Zero, we've only been on one date.

[Chloe kneels and tries to spread June's legs apart]

What are you doing?

Seeing if your V has been stolen.

Oh, get out of there! You know I don't do things that way.

You don't do things any way, that's the problem. You date like a Quaker.

We'll see! Maybe we'll sit on the same side of the booth, or split a sweet crepe.

Quaker words!

View quote →

I swear to God, when mothers birth morons, are they doing it just to upset me?

View quote →

[as she and James come back home] Good thing your face was so oily tonight, I could check my makeup in your forehead.

I wish you had, you look like a runner-up at a child's beauty pageant in Ohio.

You look like you just got back from the Douchie Awards and you won five Douchies.

Only award you could ever win is for letting rappers touch you.

I don't get how you guys talk to each other like that, it's so mean. Especially before bedtime.

It's not mean. It's just us.

And what I don't get is what the hell you're wearing.

Oh, they're my Midwest breakfast pajamas. I've had them since high school.

[turns to James] When I was in high school, you were a grown man pretending to be in high school on TV.