Chloe quotes from Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23

Chloe

I guess I got a lot going on underneath the surface. I'm like a river in winter.

Chloe

[realizing what June said earlier about responsibilities, after reading a script of James'] Sometimes, things don't click until Hollywood really spells them out for you.

Chloe

[seeing June lying on the floor by the couch] Oh, don't bother. I already ate all the pills from underneath the couch.

Chloe

You have to walk away from the past in slow motion as it explodes behind you like in a John Woo movie.

Chloe

[lying to a bartender at a bar in order to get a free drink] Katie Holmes and I are only cousins, but we're as flirty as sisters.

Chloe

I guess we're all just one small hole in the condom away from having our lives totally destroyed.

Chloe

[to June] Ooooh, you just got mind-forked.

Chloe

I swear to God, when mothers birth morons, are they doing it just to upset me?

Chloe

[referring to her former roommate, Trish] At first, I planned on strangling her with her Juicy sweatpants. But if she's still wearing those, I've already won.

June

Is that a picture of Dawson?

Chloe

Ah, yeah. James Van Der Beek. The Beek from the Creek. Le Beek c'est chic. [Both laugh] Yeah, we dated for a while and then decided we are better off as friends. We weren't really compatible genitally. Imagine trying to fit a cucumber into a coin purse. [laughs]

June

Ooh.

Chloe

Anyway, so yeah, now he's like my gay BFF, but straight. Have you ever had a straight gay BFF?

This your roommate?

June

Oh, oh! Yes. That was so rude of me. How could I forget? Everyone, this is Chloe. She's the bitch in apartment 23.

Chloe

[holds up a bag of illegal energy pills] Anyone wanna get weird and play Mario Kart?

June

Steven is the only guy that I've... been with.

Chloe

You mean not counting one-night stands?

June

N-no.

Chloe

Blackout sex?

June

What?

Chloe

Redheads? Girls?

June

No!

Chloe

Look, I'm not a fan of the lady cave either, but in a pinch...

June

It'd have to be a really big pinch.

June

Your plant died.

Chloe

What plant? I hate plants. I don't have no plant.

June

Sure you do. You got one about a month ago.

Chloe

[to a hot salesman] I'm all about the environment. I fancy myself a tree hugger.

Chloe

Oh, right, Ethan. He was my emergency contact for a month. Well, I don't know how it died. I watered it all the time.

June

[pulling a dead fish from the plant pot] With water from your goldfish's bowl?

Chloe

What goldfish? I hate goldfish. I don't have no goldfish.

Chloe

[to another hot salesman] I'm all about the goldfish. Wanna have sex?

Chloe

Weird fair. A lot of weird booths at that weird fair.

Chloe

[answering phone] Hello?

Chloe, it's Steven.

June's ex-fiance.

You and I had sex on her birthday cake.

It was chocolate.

Chloe

Oh, hey. What's up?

Luther

Bitch, please. Bitch.

Chloe

Ugh. Why not?

Luther

Because in the past four years, you've borrowed... over $20,000 from James. Dinners, shopping sprees. And I'm not even counting James' stunt double you "lost."

Chloe

Come on, Luther. I need the money.

Luther

And I needed notes on my play. [Chloe rolls eyes] I gave it to you to read over a year ago. Remember? So, again, my answer is... [imitates Southern accent] The grapes on the vine aren't having it.

Luther

If you'd read my play, you'd get that.